I am really dreading the weekend, because I have to work. Not that I don’t like my job. I really love what I do. I am an independent contractor who teaches graduate course in New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Maryland. I travel a lot especially on weekends. The weekends are my time with my kids. Because I’m divorced I won’t be seeing them this weekend. It’s not so bad, I work about every other weekend, and some of the time I can drive home on Saturday to see them. I need the money and my daughters Sarah and Grace both understand this. I call them when I’m working just to let them know how much I love them. My emotions are an open book. I want them to know how I feel. When you are not with your kids let them know whatever you are doing that you would rather be with them. Let them know how your day is going, and ask them how their day is going as well. Speak to their heart and let them know that they are always on your mind and that you are always thinking of them.

A loving father can accept his children no matter what happens in their relationship. This is not easy. It’s hard. You have to be tolerant and show your love, regardless of dress, or as your kids get older individual differences. This doesn’t mean agreement that could be disastrous, it means that you allow your children to express themselves and not pass judgment. It doesn’t mean that you don’t speak up and express concern, when you feel as if your son/daughter is engaging in behavior that is unsafe or that creates a bad perception in the minds of others.  Divorced dads from time to time give up and don’t express themselves enough, and sometimes they allow things to go on that they might not agree with. Speak up but do so with a neutral tone in your voice that expresses concern not judgment.  

As a divorced dad you may spend limited amounts of time with your kids, and you want to be as positive as possible. Sometimes you can get out of balance and start showering your kids with all types of praise for every little thing, often your kids here so much of this that it becomes like white noise. Your kids know that you are their father and just based on that fact you are going to have nice things to say to them the question is do they believe what you are saying. Instead of praising your kids try affirming them. Think of words that describe your child’s positive traits and acknowledge them verbally or in writing. Some of the qualities that your child may exhibit are: ambition, cheerfulness, consideration, dependability, kindness, neatness, sensitivity, or enthusiasm. Theses are just a few, I am sure that you can come up with more. When you affirm their behavior be specific, and let them know how you feel when they display these positive qualities. It may feel weird at first but once you see the positive effect that these words have on your children it will become very natural to use them often.     

Sometimes you are so crazy about your kids that you make unrealistic statements or make promises that you know you just can’t keep, but at the time it sounds good and it keeps everyone smiling. I told my daughter Grace the other day, “Honey I would do anything for you.” As a divorced dad you want to think you would do anything, but sometimes these statement come back to haunt you. Sometimes your kids will make an unreasonable request like, asking to drive the car when they are fifteen years old, or taking a day off from school for no apparent reason. It seems as if kids remember what you said at the worst possible moment, like when you say no to a request. That’s when they respond with but dad you said you would do anything for me. Now you’re looking for a way out.

The guilt from my divorce has had me do many unreasonable things, make some very unreasonable purchases, and part with some unreasonable amounts of money. But, I did it and I think I learned something from it. No request is unreasonable as long as it passes the test of wisdom and common sense. If what your child is asking for is reasonable and after some thought it seems wise to do than go ahead and do it. I know that I will fail this test once in a while but it is always comforting to know that at least I have time to think about what was requested by one of my daughters. Divorced dads have a habit of sticking their foot in their mouth, now at least I know I can get it out gracefully.

Have you hugged your kids today? I know that this is a phrase that has become popular but really have you? Divorced dads may not always be with their kids but affection can be displayed in conversation. Call you son/daughter up on the phone today and just say I love you. If they are with you hug them like you never have before. When your kids are with you be kind and considerate in all that you say and do.

My two daughters Sarah and Grace live 30 miles south of me so driving just seems to be part of my life. I have worn out a path going south on the Garden State Parkway. I bought a new car in September of 2006. The car was a 2006 Honda Accord. It now has 65,000 miles on it. I bought a Honda for good reason. The car that I had before this one was a 1997 Honda Civic. I put 500,000 miles on it. That’s a lot of driving.

I got Grace on Friday. We had our own Thanksgiving dinner on Friday. She slept over on Friday night. She woke up on Saturday and I drove her back to the town where she lives with her mother so she could play with her friend at about noon. I then turned around and drove home. I went back to get her at about 6:00. Her friend Mikayla came back to my house for a sleep over. Mikayla’s mom was nice enough to come to my house to pick them both up at noon on Sunday so they could continue to play at Mikayla’s house. I am now waiting for a phone call from Grace because I’m going back to pick her up and bring her back here to stay at my house tonight. Tomorrow morning, I will take Grace back down for school. If you do the math that’s about 150 miles of driving in about a day and a half.

I do drive a lot of miles, and many of them involve my kids. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want to see my kids. As a divorced dad I have the benefit of living pretty close to my kids. Thirty miles to me is close. Some dads live in other states and don’t have the luxury of being able to see their kids almost on a daily basis. For me, all this driving goes with the territory. I can’t live any closer than I do to their house, because if I did, I know all too well that my ex-wife, their mother, would wander over to my house without an invitation to complain about some problem that she blames me for. This distance is perfect, for me at least.

I try to look at the trade offs. I have to drive a lot, but I get to see my kids a lot. I try to make my kids understand that the driving is not a big deal to me. I tell them when I drop them off to call me thirty minutes before they want me to pick them up and bring them back to my house. They really do appreciate my availability, and when I am not available they know that I want to be. It’s about 5:00; I just got the phone call from Grace telling me she’s ready for me to pick her up from Mikayla’s house and bring her back here for the night. I am tired, and I’m watching a good movie. I know that Grace could easily go home to her mother’s house, and that that would save me another 60 miles of driving. But I’d rather have Grace with me tonight. The trip will be worth it.

One of the deepest needs of a person is the need to be appreciated. Our kids are no different. Show them today that you appreciate them. This doesn’t mean that you agree with everything they do, rather that you appreciate them as a person. They may act and think differently than you, try and value the differences. As time goes by they will realize that they can be themselves around you and seek you out for advice and guidance. Always remember that a father’s words do make a difference.

As a divorced dad with two daughters I can get resentful when my teenage daughter Sarah spends limited amounts of time with me. She comes over to my house and does what I call a cameo appearance. What usually happens is she arrives at my house and spends a few short hours with me. Just as we are starting to enjoy our time and settle in she says to me, “When are you going to take me home?” It seems as if she needs to rush home because she is afraid of missing one minute with her friends because they might suddenly find new friends to hang around with. This just happened yesterday. I celebrate Thanksgiving on the Friday after the holiday. It makes it far easier to have my kids with me the entire day. On Thanksgiving Sarah and Grace were at their aunt’s house with their mother. I picked them both up at 12:00 on Friday and brought them back to my house. I had twenty people at my house including my sister and her husband who were very excited to see my kids. My sister left at about 8:00, and things were starting to wind down. My daughter Sarah came to me and said to me, “When are you going to take me home?” I replied “Take you home, I thought you were going to stay over night and I would take you home in the morning.” That was the plan until her cell phone started ringing. I must say I felt unimportant and somewhat displaced. I have never been one to express any displeasure with my daughter’s requests, even though some of the things that she has wanted to do at times did not make me happy. I guess I’ve always been afraid of voicing any disapproval at all because I was concerned about driving her away from me. This time I had the feeling that I had to say something, and I did. We ended up in a discussion and I expressed my disappointment that she was leaving, and made a few other comments, that communicated my unhappiness. I did take her home, and things were fine on the ride. We spoke like nothing happened.

Let me let you in on a little secret. A divorced dad will never get anything from his children including respect if he doesn’t request it and sometimes demand it. The guilt, the pain and the thoughts about being a failure are all too real for me as a divorced dad. I suffered through these emotions and feelings for many years after my divorce. They don’t change one very important piece of this puzzle, and that is that I am my daughter’s father. I am her father, and I can place demands on her, make requests, and tell her how I feel regardless of any negative reaction that she may have. Sarah may continue to make cameo appearances at my house but I will continue to tell her that I don’t like it.

Our children will grow up fast. They will always look back on their childhood and wonder if we cared, or if we were apathetic. They will want to know why we let them get away with certain things and draw conclusions in their minds about our strengths or weaknesses as a father. Avoiding a confrontation because we are afraid that we are going to alienate them now may only lead to a relationship later that only involves a cameo appearance.

Your children need your undivided attention when they are with you. They don’t tell you that. They’re probably upset that they’re not getting your full attention, but they won’t say anything to you about it. You have to be sure that your children realize that your time and energy belongs to them when you are together. You can’t become preoccupied with your own problems, and you certainly don’t have the luxury of being depressed or down in the mouth when they are with you. If you’re a divorced dad you may only have a short period of time with your children. Make the most of the time, use it to strengthen your relationship with them. Be a good listener, plan a outing even if it’s just to McDonalds. Don’t talk about negative topics, and try not to talk about their mother.

Spend as much time with your kids as you can. Don’t wait for them to call you, call them and get together with them as often as you can. They will appreciate your consistency and will reward you as they get older.