Sometimes the Holidays Can be Depressing for Divorced Dads
How to Feel Better During the Holidays - Feeling depressed is normal - What to do about the Holiday Blues
I don’t think I will ever forget my first Christmas when I was separated from my ex wife and was without my kids. It was many years ago, but all I have to do is think of that day and I get sick and depressed. I saw my kids on Christmas at their house. They had plans with their mother so I gave them their presents and then I had to leave. The pain of leaving on that day was excruciating for me emotionally. I didn’t even know where I was going to go. I stopped by a good friend’s house and spent an hour or two with him and his family and then had dinner in a Chinese restaurant around 4:00 pm. I really couldn’t wait for the day to end.
The holiday season for a newly divorced dad can be a real time of sadness. What once was is no longer. We don’t wake up in the morning to the sound of the kid’s voices on Christmas day. We wake up and the chances are its pretty quiet where we are. It is a quiet that we can’t seem to get used to. There is an empty feeling inside of us and we really don’t know how to fill the void. It has been said that time heals all wounds. That is true for some people, but sometimes tremendous losses take a lifetime to heal if they heal at all. Divorce can be like death. The only difference is death is final. A person who is divorced knows that the person that he/she was once married to still walks the earth. They see this person from time to time, and if they still care for the person the reminder can be too much to bear. Divorce can produce guilt, shame, heartache, depression, regret, and anger. When the holiday season starts all of these feelings seem to come crashing down on us at once. Christmas is particularly difficult because it is so festive, and it seems like everyone is having a good time except us.
The Christmas holiday can cause us as divorced dads to focus on ourselves instead of others. We can become so depressed that we obsess about the past and dwell on what once was. These emotions can be so devastating that they permeate other areas of our life, like our job, our health, our attitude about living, and it can impact the relationship that means the most to us and that’s the relationship that we have with our children.
That first Christmas for me without my children was crushing emotionally. I realized that I couldn’t bear it again. I also realized that I didn’t have the luxury of being depressed. As a dad I realized that my kids still count on me. That first Christmas was seven years ago, I vowed on that day that my kids would be with me on Christmas day. I didn’t own a home until the fifth Christmas after my divorce. I worked to be sure that the holiday for me and my children would be as festive as I could possibly make it. I made sure that I arranged my bills so buying gifts for my kids would not be a problem. I decorated my house, and made it look like Christmas when my kids came over. The biggest thing that helped me during those very depressing times was God. I heard God say to me on more than one occasion, “Jim, this goes with the territory, and I am putting you are in charge of this territory. I am here to help you but ultimately you have to take the responsibility to make sure that you don’t suffer again. I love you Jim and I don’t want you to suffer.” As a divorced dads on Christmas we are going to have our ups and downs. Only we can decide how many of each we are going to have. Just remember we have plenty of help.
