I was driving with my daughter Sarah in her car the other day and was trying to give her a few words of wisdom about school, work, and being a careful driver. After I got through with my monologue there was dead silence and I thought well, at least I told her my concerns. If it fell on deaf ears so be it. She probably has her mind on other things. After about one minute of silence she said to me, “Dad I really don’t know what I am ever going to do without you.” To me that was her way of telling me that she understood what I was saying to her, and that maybe she actually depended on my ever-present advice.

When children receive an inheritance from their parents, it usually is in the form of money or some other material item. There are some things however that parents leave to their children that no one can ever place a price on. A dad’s words spoken to his children last a lifetime. They are like a lamp that gets turned on in the minds of his children when he is no longer around. There is something about the words and actions of a dad that leaves a legacy in the minds and hearts of his children.

Whether it’s good or bad, we all leave a legacy to our children. What would I like my legacy to be? That my children have learned from me how to discover happiness, and how they can work out the struggles that they will face throughout their lives. I want to know that I have taught my children to know and like who they are and how they fit into this world. I want my children to use their talents wisely and understand their strengths and weaknesses and really develop a life purpose, a purpose that isn’t based upon money, but is based upon how well they serve others and how well they perform the jobs that they are given. Last, I want to know that I have taught my daughters how to be loving and unselfish spouses and parents.

But I want to live long enough to find out if I did anything right with my children. I pray that I will have the chance to watch my daughters begin to raise their own children and teach their children by example some of the values I have tried to impart to them. Once I know that my daughters are independent and are prepared to leave their own children a legacy, that’s when I will die a happy man. It comforts me to know that even once I’m gone, my girls can still turn that lamp on that’s in their head with the word dad on it, and think about the advice that I’d give them if I were alive.

I want a car when I have my driver’s license. This is what my daughter Sarah said to me one month before she was scheduled to take her road test to get her drivers license. Wanting to play the hero I took her around to different used car dealerships and hunted for a good used car. I found 1997 or 98 Oldsmobile Regency with 36,000 miles on it. It looked mint. I bought the car and my daughter had a car to drive when she got her license yesterday. She has already hat a flat tire, when we went to change the tire no tools were found in the trunk, the spare was flat, and there was water in the spare tire wheel well. So much for playing hero, the car has to go back. I know that people have trouble with used cars all the time so this really doesn’t surprise me. The mistake that was made was giving in to the emotions of a teenage daughter who wanted a car to drive the day that she got her license. The fact that I am divorced didn’t help because sometimes the guilt of the divorce can be too much for a father to bear.

I am sure that these problems will be taken care of but the headache of dealing with it makes my face go numb from stress. A dad can go from a hero to a heal in one day. A dad can be viewed in one instance as a person who found a good deal on a car to not being thorough enough, being impulsive, and just plain stupid for not checking things out more fully. The car sits now with a tire dealer who will check out the other three tires to see if they are dry rotted.

I made a big mistake. No not by buying the car, but by believing that my daughter needed a car that quick. I love this girl too death, but sometimes decisions have to be made that will cause tears and an attitude that you are not giving me what all my friend’s parents gave them when they were ready to drive. A car is a big ticket item and needs to be shopped for over time with wisdom being used that is based upon fact not on emotion, especially the emotions of a teenage girl.

When I first started talking about the quality of compliance I used the word obedience. I got such a negative reaction from teachers and parents that I had to change the name of the quality from obedience to compliance. It seemed as if obedience was too strong a word and parents and teachers were offended by it. I still don’t think that there is anything wrong with the word obedience. Thirty years ago we demanded obedience from children.  Today we can’t even use the word, and obedience turns out to be the last thing we get from children. Well, what is the definition of compliance? Compliance is when a person does what he is told, when he is told to do it, with a good attitude. And willfulness is the opposite of the character quality of compliance.

Why is it so hard to get children to be compliant with the instructions of an adult? It is the natural tendency of children to want to explore and do things, their natural curiosity is always at work and they believe at a young age that they can do and say just about anything that they want. A parent’s first job is to teach their children the word NO. If children don’t understand what they can and cannot do, and they don’t understand the word NO they will draw the conclusion at a very young age that they can do anything they want. Believe it or not children will draw this conclusion at about the age of two. This is one of the reasons why everyone talks about the terrible two’s. Children are starting to walk and  have a natural curiosity, and want to explore just about everything, like a hot stove, or electric outlets. They want to pull on the dogs ears, or change the channel on the TV set in the middle of a show, or go into the cabinet under the sink and play with the Drano. If children don’t understand the word NO, and more importantly, if they are not corrected for their non-compliance they will begin to believe that there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. Then suddenly mom or dad get to the point that they are fed up with their children’s behavior and they start to take things away, or start to scream the word NO which leads to the child crying and throwing a temper tantrum.

I am not sure where adults got the idea that they can rationalize with a two year old and truly make that child understand their adult reasoning. The truth of the matter is they can’t. But these same children enter pre school and kindergarten and are behavior problems for the teacher from the get go. These children can’t share, stay in their seat, follow directions, or take turns. When they are disciplined for non compliance they scream and carry on like someone is cutting off their right arm. The teacher then begins to believe that there is something medically wrong with these children, like they must have ADHD, or ODD. In reality the children were just never taught the meaning of one little word, NO.

The holidays can be a rough time for a dad especially if he is divorced, it can be a tough time even if you’re married. The economy right now is so horrendous and money is so tight that financial worries can place an unbearable amount of pressure on a family especially during the holiday season. Some families can just about pay their bills. Parents want to make the Easter and Passover season fun for their kids, but unfortunately fun during this time of year means that extra money has to be spent on all kinds of food, clothes, and presents. When a dad just doesn’t have the money he can begin to think that he isn’t doing his job by providing for his family. If a dad is divorced he can be really broke, and he can turn into the bad guy by not being able to provide the little extras that his children are looking for during the holiday season.

 As a dad myself I want to provide those extras but really what I really want is I just want my kids to be with me. Well, my kids are with me right now. My younger daughter Grace is sleeping and my oldest daughter Sarah will be here later this morning. My oldest daughter just found a job. She is 17 and was dying to work in order to make extra money. She got hired on Friday at a pizza parlor and she couldn’t be happier. Friday was Good Friday; well it really was a Good Friday. Today is going to be a good Sunday too. This week is going to be a good week, and March is going to be a good month.

 You see I can’t cry in my beer, not anymore. There are too many good things that are happening to me right now. Oh, there will be some not so good things that will happen to me in the future I’m sure, but in reality the good will out weigh the bad. I just have to convince myself of it, and thank God for what I do have, and for the blessings that he has bestowed on me and my family. So on this Easter Sunday my kids are with me and life is good.

February 8, 2008

Dear Grace:

Has another month gone by already? It sure has and I wanted to let you know that I am standing in your corner with you always. You are special and I mean special. You have such an interest in the things that I do it makes me feel like what I do is important. You come over an spend time with me and always allow me to take care of anything that I have to do, because you believe that it is important to me. You show me such patience. You seem to be telling me that if it is important to me it’s important to you. I really enjoyed working on that history project with you, and Sarah was a big help too wasn’t she? She really loves you and I am thrilled to death watching the two of you grow up together. Both of us have to realize how much we need each other. You really helped me in the car this morning when I was driving you to school, and you reminded me not to finish the bagel. We both need help with our diets, and you are an encouragement to me. I really don’t know what I would ever do without you. Soon soccer season will start and you will be running up and down the field, I really can’t wait to watch again. I love you, I love you.

Love Again

Dad

I worked all weekend in North Jersey. By the time I was done working I was exhausted and didn’t really feel like myself. I was supposed to pick up my daughter Grace at 5:30 in the afternoon. I had to call her and tell her that I just couldn’t make it. She was so understanding that it stooped any guilty feelings that I was experiencing from just thinking that I didn’t want to make the trip 30 miles further south on the Garden State Parkway. My oldest daughter Sarah is usually involved with her friends and I talk with her about three times per week. Rarely do I get a call from her, I usually call her. About 7:30 at night I had already dozed off in my easy chair. I was woken by the ringing of the phone. It was Sarah. I must say that I was happy to hear from her but usually when I do there is a problem. When I answered the phone she didn’t have a problem but was she concerned about how I felt. We ended up in a conversation for about 1 hour, and spoke about all kinds of stuff. By the time I got off the phone I was wide awake, and wasn’t even thinking about feeling lousy. It was a case for me where one phone call did the trick.

I love my children, whether I hear from them or not. I know that they have activities that they are involved in and whether I was divorced or not they would be caught up in their own lives, and would be having fun with their friends. The topic of my conversation with Sarah didn’t really matter; it was the fact that she made the decision to call me that did. She also told me how much she loved me. I told her that this conversation would energize me for the next three days. I need to hear these things from my children. It makes me feel like I did something right. God knows that after a divorce I can certainly feel like I did many things wrong.

It doesn’t matter what your age is, if your parents are alive do yourself and them a favor, call them up and just let them know that you love them. For some reason parents will always question how well they did raising their kids. Usually guilt is something that they are plagued with because they just wish that they had done a better job. Ease their pain a little, because it could be that one phone call will do the trick.

Principles of Spiritual Maturity

I first published this article on my blog at behavioral-management.com. I think it’s worth looking at again since we are talking about staying balanced. It’s also good to look at this and consider where we are in this area for the New Year.

Going to a Catholic Church and to a Catholic School were all an important part of my up bringing. My parents raised me as a Catholic and we went to church every Sunday. It didn’t matter if my parents had a brawl the night before, or even if they had a brawl on Sunday morning before church. We all got dressed up and walked over to St. Joseph Church like one happy family. I did learn something. I learned to believe in God, and all of the tenants of the Catholic faith. I learned what the Catholic Church called sin. The venial sins were the small ones, and the mortal sins were the big ones. I grew up believing that when God created Adam and Eve they were created as Catholics. I had a deep respect and still do for nuns and priests I watched as the nuns stopped wearing their traditional habits that all nuns wore at the time and tried to see how far above their knee they could wear their dresses. I know that the priests enjoyed watching this contest. I also had a great time talking to all the priests in school, in the community and in my fathers bar. Two of the priests were my father’s drinking buddies. They also attended AA meetings with my father. I received communion, got confirmed, went to confession, and then graduated from the eighth grade. That was the end of my religious experience.

My parents did what they could to provide a religious experience for me. The thing that they didn’t do was provide a spiritual experience. The religious experience that I had was one where I participated in the traditions of the Catholic Church. Most of the time I didn’t know why I did what I did; I just did it. The participation was confined to Sunday morning, and it didn’t really matter what happened during the other six days. I was never taught how to take the teachings of the faith and develop a set of spiritual principles that would become my value system as I grew older. I never really matured spiritually.

People usually turn to God for help when their foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them. Sometimes God needs to do things to us to get our attention. The spiritually mature person doesn’t have to turn to God when things get tough, because they believe God is standing right next to them. They don’t scream Oh God, when they are fearful of life, they only have to whisper and they have the faith that He hears their words. Why do some people have this ability to be at peace even in the face of adversity, and tragedy? I don’t believe that spiritual maturity is something that just happens. A person doesn’t wake up one morning and find themselves with a renewed outlook on life. It is something that has to be cultivated from the bottom up. The roots have to be developed and then a person will begin to see the flowers. In my case I didn’t start this process until I was 30 years old. From the time I was about 17 years old I never could figure out what I believed in. I believed there was a God, but I didn’t have a value system or a commitment to any source that would help to inspire, or uplift me on a regular basis. Whenever a wave of life would hit me I would reach into the chambers of my soul and discover that there wasn’t anything there that I could use to help me deal with life’s problems. I never made the connection between spiritual maturity and overall maturity as a person. A spiritually mature person knows how to take the spiritual dimension and apply the principles of their belief system to their life on a daily basis. I have always enjoyed The Serenity Prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” In order for me to accept things and to develop wisdom I needed to plug into source to draw from and to gain daily inspiration. I found that the daily reading of the scriptures helped me gain insights into the battles of life and offered answers to questions that I otherwise never would have been able to come up with on my own. I would discover verses in scripture that I would meditate on and make them part of my prayer and thought life. The evangelist Martin Luther once said, “I have so much to do today, that I will have to spend two hours praying instead of one.” Scripture reading and prayer became a source for me to draw energy from, attain wisdom from, and to get the daily emotional strength I needed to manage my day.

Many people gain energy and insights from other areas. Inspirational literature, walks in the park, or even melodious music can inspire some. A fundamental belief system that gives a person a path to follow and that can make them almost unflappable and have inner peace is very private and very different for each person. There are certain core principles that spiritually mature people have adopted as a part of life. These principles are in the silent chambers of a person’s heart, and I believe that they are universal to everyone. When the ground starts to quake a person who has a strong core understands the reason for the earth quake and has the confidence that there is a way out.

Self Acceptance

Spiritually mature people have learned how to like themselves and value the differences in themselves. They have an understanding that they were created in a unique way. They don’t wish for what they don’t have, and are grateful for the things that they do have. As a young man I often wondered why I had the parents I had. I often wished that they were different and even sometimes wished that I had a different set of parents. I often wondered why I was stuck with two sisters, and didn’t have a brother. Sometimes I thought about how I wished I was taller, had bigger bones, and was smarter. When I was about 30, I came to grips with the fact that some things in life are unchangeable. When my own children start to complain about me or their mother I usually say to them, “Sorry we’re the only game in town; you can’t trade us in for another set.”

Spiritually mature people accept who they are. They realize that they wouldn’t be on this earth if their parents didn’t bring them into the world, and they accept their individual features that make them who they are.

The Balance of Power

Spiritually mature people understand the balance of power. In other words they know who is in charge and why certain people are in charge. I heard a great talk on leadership once at an administrator’s conference in Washington, DC. The speaker made a statement that really stuck with me. His statement was, “In order to be a good leader you have to be a good follower first.” Spiritually mature people know how to follow orders and work in any system without moaning and groaning, and don’t making statements like, “Why do we have to do this?” or better yet, “Why is he/she doing this?” They also don’t talk about their bosses behind their back. It is human nature to wonder why someone is doing something. Spiritually mature people know how to go to their boss and discuss things face to face.

Why do spiritually mature people have this ability? I believe it’s because they really know who is in absolute charge, and that’s God. They know that God has placed this person in charge of them for a reason, and if they have a problem with their boss they might as well have a problem with God, and they don’t want to take that chance. They have learned how to separate the person from the position. They respect their boss’s position, but in their heart they know that they don’t always have to like who he/she is as a person. They know that God will honor their compliance, loyalty, and respect for the person in charge and they believe that they will be blessed beyond measure for being a good employee.

Spiritually Mature People Can Forgive Others

Spiritually Mature people know how to forgive others. I battle this all the time. I know in my heart that I have to forgive others. I know that it is not good to hold a grudge. I say to myself you have to forgive, for your own good, you have to forgive. My problem comes in when I can’t forget. The longer I dwell on someone or something the angrier I become and ultimately I become bitter. This bitterness affects me and those around me. I will admit that this feeling can consume me at times. I might even look to get even with the person who I feel wronged me. Sometimes when I sleep I am told that I make statement like, “wait until you see what I’m going to do to these people.” Forgiveness is a sign of spiritual maturity. Lack of forgiveness can paralyze a person causing obsessive thoughts that impact a person’s ability to function on a day to day basis.

Spiritually mature people know that the object of their bitterness will be dealt with by God. They know how to forgive and forget. Sometimes they not only forget but they work to restore the relationship between themselves and others. They don’t allow themselves to fall into the trap of unforgiveness for a minute because they know that it is something that could impact them for a lifetime.

If you have ever been under pressure on the job, or financially you know how this can affect your mood and ultimately your relationship with your children. Children love to play guessing games, but they don’t like to play the game if they have to guess the mood that you are in that day. Our emotional state can determine the climate of our home and have either a positive or negative impact on our interaction with our children. Our children are absolutely watching us and are learning how to cope with life based upon the emotional model that we give them. Mood swings, angry outbursts, and depression are all too real for a dad and are very real for a divorced dad who is trying to live a reasonable life style himself, pay child support, deal with his ex wife, and maintain a good relationship with his children. Trying to keep your emotional index balanced is something that needs to be worked on a daily basis.

Historically men have been taught that they shouldn’t show their emotions. That doesn’t mean that they don’t have emotions, these emotions just go somewhere else. A man might withdraw, be short tempered, get physical with his kids, or even drink when he’s under pressure. Their kids see this and start to walk around on egg shells wondering what to say and how to act. The children get confused and begin to feel insecure when their dad is around. They almost live in fear. They want to please their dad but really don’t know how because he is so inconsistent emotionally.

I experienced this first hand with my dad who was a drinker. My dad wasn’t a daily drinker but more of a binge drinker who would disappear from time to time to go off on one of his benders. I never wanted to upset him because I didn’t want to feel responsible for his drinking. I always watched what I did and said because I never wanted to be the cause of him leaving. If he did go off and drink I would wonder what I or another family member did that set him off. Young children often don’t know why their dad is in a bad mood. The horror of it all is that children will blame themselves for the mood that their dad is in.

As fathers we have to commit ourselves to being emotionally balanced. That doesn’t mean that things aren’t going to upset us, it means that we are going to be aware of what is upsetting us. If work is the problem or if finances are the problem then we need to focus on the solution and take the steps that are necessary to solve the problem. We can’t allow our emotions to interfere with the most important relationship we will ever have in our lives, and that’s with our children.

As parents we are always concerned about how our child is doing in school. If our child comes home and has bad grades, or if we get a call from the teacher with a report that our child is not working up to his/her potential we get worried and we get concerned. We might start to sit with him/her and do homework, or help our child study for tests and quizzes. We place a high priority on our child’s education, and we should. The problem comes in when we start to see some progress and we turn down the pressure, and our child falls right back into the old habits again. As a dad I am not very different, really. Once I am not under pressure to do something, I usually don’t do it either. If I don’t have to learn something, the chances are I am not going to take the time to learn it. Usually when I have a problem I do some reading and research to try and find out the best way to manage, but if I didn’t have the problem I probably wouldn’t even bother to study the topic.
I was sitting with my daughter Grace one evening; we were doing her math homework. She’s in the 5th grade. I am a retired teacher and administrator. I had all kinds of problems understanding the work that she was doing. I was almost embarrassed by my inability to help her. Oh, I can add, subtract, multiply, and divide, but what she was doing had me at a loss. I almost felt like I had to go to school with Grace and sit in her class in order to learn this stuff myself. I had to call my friend Judy and have her explain to me how to solve some of the math problems.
There will come a time when I won’t be able to help Grace with her work because the work that she will be doing will be way over my head. My daughter Sarah is all advanced placement and honors classes in high school. I definitely can’t help her with her work. Sarah has developed the study habits that are necessary in order to do the work independent of me. Grace needs to develop the same study habits, and academic work ethic to be able to work independently.
I need to see to it that Grace develops into an independent learner. She definitely is bright enough to be a successful student. I’m concerned right now because I really don’t see Grace that interested in learning or reading. I think I need to make some changes myself. Grace needs to view me as person who wants to stay sharp mentally. I need to be more of a model for Grace. I need to read more and develop reading as a daily habit. I need to place the same priority on my own education. I want both Grace and Sarah to view education as a part of life and not just something that occurs when they are in school. As a dad I really am my children’s first teacher. The best way for them to learn from me is for them to se me as a student. I need to stay sharp and balanced mentally and model for them the type of student I want them to become.