From the time I was 19 years old I used to wonder if I were to die tomorrow, what would people say about me at my funeral. How would I be eulogized and more importantly who would want to eulogize me? Who would be the people that would have something to say about me? I’ve been to enough funerals to know that people don’t disrespect the dead by saying negative things about the person in the coffin. Unless of course, you have an ex wife/husband who hates your guts. People say things like, “He was a great guy,” or people reminisce about the good times that they had with the person, or they talk about a contribution that the person made to their life. I usually get a kick out of the folks who comment about what a great job the undertaker did embalming the body. I’ve heard things like, “Boy does he look great, doesn’t he look like himself.”

One thing is for sure and that is life is short and death is certain. Life is so short that I am sure that people wish that they had said some of the things about the dead person to the person when he was alive. Unfortunately that’s not the case. All too often we wait so long to express how we really feel about a person, and then it becomes too long because the person dies. This is one instance where saving the best for last just doesn’t work.

As a father of two daughters I have been told by them that they believe that I am going to be around for a long time. That really is just their way of saying take care of yourself dad, because we want and need you to be around. I don’t think that they will get caught up in how I died but more importantly they will think about how I lived and especially how I treated them. I have asked myself on more than one occasion, what would I want my daughters Sarah and Grace to say about me at my funeral. One thing always seems to come to mind. I would want them to remember me for being kind and loving in all that I did. I want to be remembered for not just saying that I loved them but for expressing my love in how I treated them.

There are other people too who have been in my life, Judy my long time companion, my two sisters, and two brother-in-laws. As I thought about what I would want them to say the same thing came to mind. “Jim was a kind and loving brother. “Oh, I’m sure they will say other things, but to me that’s just window dressing.

As a retired teacher and even as a principal I am sure that some will find out that I kicked the bucket and make a decision to come and pay their respects. I am sure that they will say one or two nice things about me. But I don’t think they’re going to say that Jim was kind and loving in all that he did. If I could turn back the clock and I had another shot at being a kinder person to the people that I worked with, I would. I am sure that I made some enemies when I worked as a school administrator. If I had been kind and compassionate during those years, I wouldn’t have any enemies.

But I’m not dead, and believe you me I hope my kids are correct in their prophesy, that I am going to be around for a long time. I still have time to make sure that my kids have only the best things to say about me when I do kick the bucket, and that’s a real comforting thought. I still can be kind and loving. I still can say I’m sorry if I wasn’t kind or loving enough. Why is being kind and loving the thing I want to be remembered for? Well, I have had enough arguments in my life, and being kind and loving is not something that anyone can argue with.

No I’m not remarried. Based upon my past history I may never get married again. That is not a knock on my Judy who is the most wonderful, beautiful, understanding and compassionate woman I have ever been with. Both of us have children who we love like there is no tomorrow. She has two boys and a girl, I have two girls. Judy’s daughter Randi is married and is pregnant and working on a family of her own. Her other two boys are 22 and 19. Danny still lives at home, and Ben is a freshman at Dartmouth. Yeah, Ivy league. I have two daughters, Sarah and Grace who both live with their mother. Sarah is almost 17 and Grace is 11. Christmas has become a wonderful time for me. It wasn’t always that way, but it is now. I love spending Christmas day with my kids, exchanging gifts and enjoying a wonderful Christmas meal that Judy always prepares. By the way Judy is Jewish so before she met me Christmas day meant a trip to the movies and a Chinese restaurant. Because she loves me and my children so much she makes Christmas at my house festive, joyful and a lot of fun for everybody.

The problems comes in when I have to wrangle with my ex wife during the holiday season. I usually have the kids on Christmas, but because she really wants them she can have a tendency to make life less festive. She does have the kids on Christmas Eve, when they have dinner at their aunts’ house. My kids love coming to my house on Christmas because they are the center of attention and receive their presents. It is an absolute blast for me to give them their gifts and see their eyes light up. The tension though of dealing with my ex wife can dampen their spirit and sometime mine, if I let it.

Now, some dads may be remarried, have kids from a previous marriage, have kids from their present marriage and have something called a blended family. Managing that crowd of people during the holidays may be something that you have to start preparing for right after the New Year. But, maybe not if you just make a few adjustments in your thinking as you deal with this complicated mess.

The thing I want most during the holiday season is peace. I don’t want arguments during the year and I sure don’t want them now. I can’t control my ex wife’s thought process, my God that would require a slide rule, but I can develop my own perspective on the situation. During the Thanksgiving holiday I had my Thanksgiving dinner on the Friday after Thanksgiving. My kids were with their mother on Thanksgiving day and it made it easier to manage everyone’s schedule by having dinner the day after Thanksgiving. If Christmas is going to become the same type of problem for you, try to understand that you may have to break from tradition and celebrate Christmas the day before or the day after. Believe me you will have a better time and there will be far less tension, and running around.

The world is not a perfect place. The Christmas season can make us more aware of that then any other time. Small things can become big things if we let them. Let negative comments go and focus on the kids and what you can do for them. Try to avoid financial arguments that seem to always come up during the holidays. Do your best to discuss things in a calm manner and let go of the small stuff. Money always seems to be a problem for my ex wife, not because of my lack of giving, but because of her distaste for working. Gift giving has always been my self imposed responsibility. Having different expectations of her during the holidays will only make me angry and destroy the joy that I have in giving to my kids.

Lastly, no matter how small your holiday celebration might be don’t make it a downer for your kids. Kids by their nature love the holidays, whether it be Christmas or Chanukah. Try to keep your spirits up because you love them, and want them to enjoy the season. When your kids are with you the biggest gift that you can give them is a loving dad who has tried to do whatever was necessary to make their holiday a peaceful one.

If you are a religious person you know that the gift of grace from God is something that is called unmerited favor. It’s something that God gives us to help us through difficult parts of our life and sometimes even the difficult parts of a day, an hour or a minute. About eleven years ago I received the gift of Grace from God, and it wasn’t a spiritual experience. Rather it was my daughter Grace who was born on October 9, 1996. I have two daughters, Sarah and Grace. Sarah was my first born; Grace came along more than five years later. I ended up separated and divorced from their mother when Grace was almost four years old. Both of my daughters have rallied behind me and continue to let me know how much they love me. I owe a debt of gratitude to the two of them. Just like a father is supposed to devote time to each of his children on an individual basis, I would like to devote this writing to Grace and spend the time letting her and everyone know what she means to me.

After my divorce it took me about 5 years before I finally bought a house. I chose to buy a house close to my children so I could get to them with ease whenever I wanted to or needed to. They both slept at my house on some weekends and sometimes on a day during the week. Sarah’s scheduled seemed to keep her from doing this as often as I would have likee, but Grace always kept coming to my house week after week. We developed a routine. I would pick her up from school every Tuesday and Thursday, and she would come over to my house. We would have dinner, do homework together, go to bed, and start over the next morning. On top of that, she stays with me probably every other weekend. Sometimes she would ask me on a Sunday if she could come over on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of that week, and of course I would say yes. As time went on and Grace and I were spending all of this beautiful time together, Grace and I were becoming best friends. The word grace has taken on new meaning for me. As I mentioned earlier, the word grace refers to what God has given us to get through the hardest times in our lives. The gift from God of my daughter Grace has truly allowed me to survive the very difficult years after my divorce. She is God’s gift to me, and I am so grateful that He has given her to me.

I think the most excitement that I ever have had with Grace has been watching her evolve into an unbelievable soccer player. Grace started playing soccer at about four years old and has participated in soccer for about 7 years. If you count her participation in the spring and fall that’s 14 seasons. When she first started out she did nothing but run up and down the field. She didn’t care one bit if she ever even touched the ball. She just loved playing the game. That changed very quickly as she learned how to handle the ball, pass and shoot in no time at all. She worked hard and became an unbelievable team player. I can remember her complaining to me only a year ago that she had never scored a goal. She always knew that she would at some point. This past fall season she broke through. She was named captain of the team, and I don’t think a game went by when she didn’t score a goal. The season ended with something called a soccerama on a Sunday afternoon. Grace played soccer from 2:00 in the afternoon until 8:00 at night that day. She was exhausted. I never saw anyone play that hard. She was named the MVP of the team.

I love Grace. To me she is an MVP also. She is my Most Valuable Person. She is an example to me. She has so many wonderful qualities that they are just too numerous to mention. She hugs and kisses me all the time; she covers me when I fall asleep. She watches out for me. I remember when a dog that was in her friend’s yard came after me this summer. I was trying to run away, and I fell down in the driveway. I will never forget that worried look that she had in her face thinking that I really got hurt. We laugh and we learn together. I never had a friend like this ever, even when I was a little boy. Grace is a friend that is more interested in giving than getting. She knows how to be a friend. I have been blessed by God’s gift of Grace.

As a dad nothing gives me more pleasure than attending school events. When my daughter Sarah was on the track team I used to love to go to her track meets. I watched my 11 year old daughter Grace develop into a wonderful soccer player, this past season she was recognized as the most valuable player on her team. School events are especially fun, especially the ones that are held during the Christmas and Hanukkah season.

Last night I attended Grace’s holiday concert and I have to tell you I had a great time. The fifth and sixth grades put on one of the best shows I think I ever attended. There was singing, dancing, ballet, solo acts, and comedy. It was absolutely fabulous. There were two shows, and I stayed and watched the second show also, that’s how good the performance was.

I must admit that attending some of these shows in the past usually put me to sleep, and at times I would be nudged by someone to stop snoring. Last night I didn’t want the show to end. I realize that at times it is tough to attend these events. Schedules always seem to get in the way for a dad. Do yourself and your kids a favor, the next time the school has an event, clear your schedule and attend it. Grace was thrilled that I was there. They will always tell you that they are happy that you were there; they know that you are proud of them, and your attendance shows that you are. They never seem to say anything when you are not in attendance, at least not at the time. We usually find out how they wish you saw them in the school play when they are married with their own kids. That’s not something any of us as dads want to hear. Remember something, no person on their death bed ever wishes that they had spent more time at work. Do the right thing.

As I have looked back over my life, I have come to the realization that I learned more from dad than any other person in my life. His influence impacted me and helped develop me as a student, but mostly as a person. There is no doubt that a person’s personality is formed because of all of the things that people have said to us and have done to us and for us. My dad always had plenty of things to say to me, and did many things with me as a young child that helped me develop my interests, and many of the unique talents that I have today. He was a dad who was much older than the father’s of most of my friends. I was born when he was forty six years old. By the time I was 12 he had already had one stroke and didn’t have the physical strength to do many of the activities with me that fathers can do with their sons. He might not have had the strength to play baseball, football, or basketball with me, but anytime I wanted to participate in these activities he took me to the events and watched and supported me. He enjoyed watching me, and I loved knowing that he was there for me. I really loved when he would critique my performance and offer me advice. He became a student of the activities I was involved with and my best teacher.

As a father (and divorced dad) of two daughters myself I have learned that I have to take on the role as a primary educator for my children. Because my children live with their mother, it has been a challenge to involve myself in my children’s education because of the fact that I don’t see my kids on a daily basis. I do however call everyday and I am very aware of their academic progress and their day to day activities. I am a participant, a student, a supporter, and a teacher in their academic program. It has helped that I have been an educator for 30 years and have taught more students, teachers, and parents than I care to mention. But I have come to believe that my success in life will not be based on how well I educated someone else’s children, but how well I educated my own children. Stephen Covey explained in is book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People that a person has to achieve private victory in his life before he can have any form of public victory. In very simple terms I have to see to it that I successfully educate my own children, before I can have a part in the education of someone else’s children. As dads you can initiate or participate in activities that help your children succeed academically. Helping your children learn can increase their success in school. It is extremely important for your children to be independent learners. You want them to develop a hunger for knowledge, and become lifetime learners. The frequency with which you interact in positive ways with your children during the course of your education will reflect your interest in your child’s education and communicate to them the importance of doing well in school.

When your children are young, read to them every single day, even if it is for only 10 or 15 minutes. This will create a love of reading in your children which will help them become good readers. Continue to encourage your children to read as they get older. The key to this though, is that you have to put the time in when they are young reading to them and with them. Your children should also see you reading something everyday, and that can include the newspaper or even the Bible. You cannot just tell your children to read, and never pick up something to read yourself. Children learn by example first. Take your children to the library, and encourage them to take out books. When they have reports, take them to the library to find books they can use for research material rather than letting them find everything they need on the internet.

Establish daily routines with your kids that establish specific times for homework. When your children come home from school, you or your wife should make sure that they sit down at the kitchen or dining room table where you or she can see them so that they can be closely monitored while they are doing their homework. They cannot come home and go right up to their rooms supposedly to do their homework until you have the trust and knowledge that they will actually do this. They also cannot sit down at the TV, or have playdates before their homework is completed. Do not be so concerned about whether or not your children are having fun every second. They need to develop good study habits first, and I’m talking about establishing these when they are in first grade. Once they develop the good habits, you will not have to do much. If they are older at this point, and you haven’t worked on any of this before, then lay down the law now and establish this new routine. If they are older, it’s going to take much more effort on your part to do this. But if you just continue allowing them to do their thing, then I promise you that their success as students will be extremely limited.

Be sure to establish some time to spend with your children where you’re talking and having some fun. As a divorced dad I have to be sure to schedule specific time for my kids to visit my home on school nights. I have not been as successful with this with my oldest daughter Sarah as I would have liked. I think the problem was that I did not insist that she come. If she said she had something else to do, then I went along with that. Now, she’s pretty much in a habit of not coming over. She is almost 17 years old and has a very independent spirit. She is doing very well in high school and chooses to visit my home on a very limited basis. See, I think that’s the problem. I allowed her to choose, starting about when she was about 12 or 13, and parents shouldn’t be allowing their 12 or 13 year olds to choose those types of things. In certain areas, you (or I) should be the boss, and that’s just the way it is. Hopefully, my involvement is going to grow exponentially as she begins to prepare to go to college. But that will come only if I put the pressure on her to spend that time with me. I know she’ll be better off (and so will I) if we spend that time together. We dads just have to be strong and assert ourselves with our kids, which sometimes is really hard to do, if our kids are more assertive than we are. I know one thing for sure, and that is that if I don’t guide her through through her growing pains, then someone else will. This someone else is probably her friends, and I don’t think they have as much wisdom as I do.

My younger daughter Grace is in the 5^th grade and visits me 2-3 days a week. We do homework together. We have dinner and talk about her day, as well as my day. I enjoy sharing stories with her about what I did during the day. She also enjoys hearing stories about my childhood and what my father was like when I was a little boy. We have a great time laughing together, that’s for sure. But I make sure that I sit with Grace at the dining room table basically the whole time she is doing her homework. Neither her mother nor I really helped Grace establish the good study habits she needed when she was in first or second grade (which I spoke about earlier in this article), so now I’m faced with the reality that I have to make sure she establishes good study habits now. My window of opportunity is quickly closing, because once students are 12 or 13 years old, they almost become too old to sit at the table with their parents. But luckily, Grace is still young enough, and I can mold her in this area. As I attempt to take on a greater role as I help Grace with her with any difficulties she has with homework, I have to be sure to be consistent, and do this every single time that Grace is with me. I want Grace to see me as someone who may not always know every answer, but as a person who knows how to discover an answer through diligence and hard work. I know that I am not perfect. I do know this though, every moment that I spend with her while she is acquiring knowledge, and every positive word that I say to her will help her in terms of her feeling good about learning. It will also help me build a stronger relationship with her. Being divorced may not have been the very best thing for my kids, but it has forced me to look at my role as a father and use the time that I spend with them as an opportunity for them to view me as her first and most important teacher.

I used to play baseball in high school and college. I even played in an over thirty league back in the mid eighties. When my child Sarah was born in 1991, baseball wasn’t something I thought she would ever be interested in. But when she was about six, I took her over to the park to hit some baseballs. She picked up the balls after I hit them, and she got up to bat. She hit a few balls, and she even ran the bases. Sarah had and still has athletic ability- good hand eye coordination, flexibility, strength and agility. Well, when Sarah was 7, she came to me one day and said, “Hey dad can I play soccer?” I said, “Sure.” So I went out and bought her a soccer ball, shin guards, and cleats. I signed her up for the recreational league in town. I must admit I was pretty enthused. We practiced kicking the ball in the backyard, and we were both getting pretty excited about her first game.

Well, the Saturday of the first game came, so Sarah and I headed up to the soccer field. After some warm-up activities and a pep talk from the coach, the game started. To my surprise Sarah was in the starting line-up. She ran up and down the field for the first ten minutes or so, and she finally had an opportunity to kick the ball. She took her first kick, missed the ball, and landed flat on her back. She got up, and came crying over to the sideline and begged, “Don’t make me play anymore, Dad, I can’t do it.” She refused to go back into the game. The game ended, and on the way to the car she continued to cry, “Don’t make me play Dad, please, I don’t want to.” I mustered up all my courage and I said to her sternly, “You’re playing. You are playing. Now get in the car.” She got in the car and we drove home. On the way home all I heard was a bunch of sniffling and whining in the back seat. I didn’t have a very long ride home, but I can tell you this. She wore me out. I was emotion ally exhausted by the time I got home. We pulled up into the driveway, and I sat miserably in the car as I watched Sarah get out and walk into the house, sniffling and shaking as she walked through the front door. I sat stewing in the car and said to myself, “Who wants to play soccer anyway, dumb game.” I then attempted to further rationalize my thoughts by saying to myself, “Soccer’s for boys anyway.” I walked into the house, stood at the bottom of the stairs and yelled up the stairs, “SARAH.” She sniffled her way through a “Yeah dad.” I said, “Come down here.” She came down the stairs, and I said to her, “Look honey, you don’t have to play soccer, if you don’t want to play. It’s ok with me.” She said, “Oh thank you daddy.” She gave me a big hug and kiss and ran back upstairs.

Honestly, I felt like her hero. I was her knight in shining armor. I had just come through for her, and given her exactly what she wanted. I was sure I had made the prudent decision; I didn’t even have to ask her mother’s opinion. I figured what’s the big deal, no harm done. I was content in the knowledge that I had allowed my six year old daughter to make her own decision.

Well, I have another daughter named Grace (Grace is 6 years younger than Sarah) who came to me when she was six years old and said, “Hey dad, can I play soccer?”

I said, “Sure honey.” The same routine started again, the shin guards, the cleats, the soccer ball, the practice, and finally the game. But this time, the outcome was much different. Grace ran enthusiastically up and down the field from one end to the other. She never got near enough to even touch the ball, but she had a great time. Grace came off the field with a look of absolute joy in her eyes and said to me, “Boy that was fun Dad.” She played the first season, and had a ball. She played the next season and really improved a lot. She wanted to score really badly, but didn’t have the opportunity. She still loved the game. To her, every game was an event, an outing that ended with a snack and a Gatorade, lunch, and a fun time spent with me.

While this was going on Sarah was into cheerleading, gymnastics, track, palates, and even a little weight lifting. She loved designer clothes, having her nails done, tanning, make-up, and just looking good. She watched her weight and understood that in order to look good, she had to spend a good deal of time exercising. She commented to me one time that some of her friends on her track team had less body fat than she did and that they could run faster than she could. It was just a passing comment but I remember her saying it, and I most definitely noticed that she was bothered by this.

One day Sarah and I drove over to the soccer field to pick Grace up from a soccer practice. We got to the field, and Grace got into the car sweating; her face was as red as a tomato. Sarah handed a Gatorade and a snack over to her in the back seat, and Grace just sat there, contentedly guzzling her drink. Sarah looked back at Grace, then looked forward, looked back again at Grace again, and then stared straight at me. She said, “Hey dad, why didn’t you make me play soccer?”

I said (defensively), “I wanted you to play. Don’t you remember? You kicked the ball once, missed it, and fell on your head. Then you begged me not to make you play again.”

She answered me with, “SO? Why didn’t you make me?”

Now I was the one who was starting to sweat. I said, “You didn’t want to play. You wouldn’t let up until I agreed not to make you play.

Sarah then made a statement to me that I will never forgot as long as I live. She said, “But dad, you’re supposed to be in charge.”

Where had I gone wrong seven years earlier? At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do was to give in to what Sarah wanted. But it turned out that I hadn’t done what she needed me to do. I had allowed a six year old to decide whether or not she wanted to play soccer. What had she really needed at the time? She needed me to tell her that she was going to play soccer because I as the parent knew what was best for her, and I wasn’t going to give her a way out. She wanted me to be in charge, not allow her to be in charge. I unknowingly had let her down.

When I teach my graduate courses, I ask my adult students the following question all the time. How many things did your parents let you get away with as a kid that you wish you had never gotten away with? I usually get lots of stunned looks from my students.

Too often we allow our children to make choices and decisions that they have no business making. I see it all the time in supermarkets, stores, and malls, parents giving in when their children demand they buy something, or parents trying to coax their kids to stop crying or to stop running away from them. The children ignore their parents’ pleadings. Usually, the parents say something to their children like, “What do you want to do?” Well honestly, who cares what they want, they’re three years old!

I’m not totally sure where this whole attitude has come from, but I have my own theory that Dr. Benjamin Spock had a lot to do with it. Spock’s first book, Baby and Child Care” was first published in 1946 just in time for the baby boomer generation. In his book he spoke about feeding on demand, respecting your children, the need for flexibility, and the lack of the necessity to worry about spoiling. The paperback sold more than 50 million copies and was translated into 30 languages. Critics of Spock claimed that he was “the father of permissiveness.” In later years, Spock claimed that he never changed his basic philosophy on child care, that it was imperative to respect children because they’re human beings and they deserve respect. But he seemed to retreat somewhat from his teachings when he made statements such as “I’ve always said ask for respect from your children, ask for cooperation, ask for politeness. Give your children firm leadership.” Years later, he became more moralistic and he said that parents should give their children strong values and encourage them to help others. This is only supposition, but I hypothesize that Spock may have decided that he didn’t like what he saw in society and realized that he may have played a part in the screwing up of generations. In later editions of the book originally titled The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care, he stressed that children needed standards and that parents also had a right to respect. He stated in his book that parents were starting to become afraid of imposing on the child in any way.

I ‘m not claiming to be an expert on child rearing, but I do know that if children are re fed on demand they will be demanding. If they are allowed to say anything they want they will be disrespectful. If they are not held accountable they will be irresponsible. And if there are no consequences for inappropriate behavior they will be non-compliant. Parents today always ask, What can we do with our kids today? My question is, What are we going to do with these parents?

Once I relinquished my natural right as a parent to make decisions for my children, I was never truly able to reestablish my parental authority. From the moment that my daughter convinced me to allow her to make the choice not to play soccer, she learned she had the power to make basically every decision that came along in her life whether large or small. And the saddest part of all of this for me is that she blames me because I wasn’t strong enough NOT to let her assume a role she was never designed to play in her own young life.

Dr. Spock has since passed away, and I think many of us looking for a new voice to offer us some solid advice to help us sort out the mess we are in today.

My parents owned a bar and from the time I can remember which was about four years old I spent my time sitting on a bar stool. Most kids were playing with their friends or some toys that they had I was always talking to strangers and playing with beer boxes. It did have its advantages, like as I got older I had a built in job and I really learned how to talk to adults. You always had to agree with them because you did not want to lose them as a customer. Always polite always considerate and never giving anyone a hard time, of course I learned how to curse like a sailor at a very young age and got a taste of beer when I was about ten years old. The place had its characters that were both humorous and sad at the same time. I always thought it was normal for a guy to spend 4 or 5 hours drinking at the end of a work day before they went home. Many times as I got older I would drive some guy home who was to drunk to drive. When I got him home I found out why he spent that amount of time in the bar after work, his wife was less than happy to see him when he got there not because he was drunk she just didn’t like the guy.

One of the things I loved as a kid was the fact that there was always cash around. I would ask my dad for a dime or a quarter and he would reach into the till and hand it over. One warm summer evening around 5 o’clock I asked my dad for a quarter and he said “no.” I asked again and he said “no.” I finally said “c’mon dad please.” He did not give in. I got as mad as an 11 year old could get and walked out passing four customers sitting at the bend in the bar right by the door and on my way out I said “CHEAP.” As soon as I said this I knew I was in trouble and I tried to think of words that sounded like cheap that I could use to try and convince him that he just heard wrong. Then I had to find a way to get back in without him seeing me. There was only one way in and that was through the bar. Well I rode my bike for a while and then decided to try and get passed the blockade. When I got back to the bar the bar was closed. The bar that was open 364 days a year was closed. He locked the door and made me knock to get in. I knocked on the door and he opened it. I asked him to hold the door open so I could bring in my bike. He stood there grabbed me by the arm and said to me “What did you say on the way out of here.” I told him I said “cheap.” The grip on my arm got tighter and he said to me “After all the nickels, dimes, and quarters I have given you call me cheap.” I said “sorry dad.” He then loosened his grip and told me to go upstairs. My dad took a break around 7o’clock for dinner and took a nap until 9 when he went back downstairs to work. Around 8:30 I learned the biggest lesson of my life. He called me into his bedroom and sat me down. My dad said to me “Do you know why I locked the door to the bar after you left.” I said “no.” He said to me “After you left the bar the four guys who heard what you said started talking about you and what an ungrateful and selfish kid you were, and I couldn’t take it. I had to put them out, I just got sick hearing them talk like this about my son.” My dad put those guys out in my defense and because of the ache he felt in his heart. My dad used my own stupidity as a time to teach me that I can’t say anything I want and he wanted me to understand that whether or not I think anybody else hears my comments doesn’t matter, somebody hears and starts to develop a perception of you as a person. I never forgot this lesson. You see all along I thought those guys would ride my dad on what a cheapskate they thought he was because he would not give me a quarter. I was so wrong. As I look at this story all I can think of is the way kids speak to their parents today at a younger age than I way when I called my dad cheap. Kids didn’t just wake up one day and decide that they were going to be rude to their parents. This has happened so slowly it was almost unrecognizable at first but now we ask “What are we going to do with these kids.” I could have named this essay “Cheap” because of how ironic it is that I called my father cheap in front of his customers when he truly was not cheap, and I ended up feeling cheap, and deservingly so, when my father was done with me. Even though it is cheap to sit a kid down and talk to him today the way my dad did, does anyone take the time to do it anymore?

<a href=”http://behavioral-management.com”>for more about Jim
Burns http://behavioral-management.com/</a>