Principles of Spiritual Maturity

I first published this article on my blog at behavioral-management.com. I think it’s worth looking at again since we are talking about staying balanced. It’s also good to look at this and consider where we are in this area for the New Year.

Going to a Catholic Church and to a Catholic School were all an important part of my up bringing. My parents raised me as a Catholic and we went to church every Sunday. It didn’t matter if my parents had a brawl the night before, or even if they had a brawl on Sunday morning before church. We all got dressed up and walked over to St. Joseph Church like one happy family. I did learn something. I learned to believe in God, and all of the tenants of the Catholic faith. I learned what the Catholic Church called sin. The venial sins were the small ones, and the mortal sins were the big ones. I grew up believing that when God created Adam and Eve they were created as Catholics. I had a deep respect and still do for nuns and priests I watched as the nuns stopped wearing their traditional habits that all nuns wore at the time and tried to see how far above their knee they could wear their dresses. I know that the priests enjoyed watching this contest. I also had a great time talking to all the priests in school, in the community and in my fathers bar. Two of the priests were my father’s drinking buddies. They also attended AA meetings with my father. I received communion, got confirmed, went to confession, and then graduated from the eighth grade. That was the end of my religious experience.

My parents did what they could to provide a religious experience for me. The thing that they didn’t do was provide a spiritual experience. The religious experience that I had was one where I participated in the traditions of the Catholic Church. Most of the time I didn’t know why I did what I did; I just did it. The participation was confined to Sunday morning, and it didn’t really matter what happened during the other six days. I was never taught how to take the teachings of the faith and develop a set of spiritual principles that would become my value system as I grew older. I never really matured spiritually.

People usually turn to God for help when their foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them. Sometimes God needs to do things to us to get our attention. The spiritually mature person doesn’t have to turn to God when things get tough, because they believe God is standing right next to them. They don’t scream Oh God, when they are fearful of life, they only have to whisper and they have the faith that He hears their words. Why do some people have this ability to be at peace even in the face of adversity, and tragedy? I don’t believe that spiritual maturity is something that just happens. A person doesn’t wake up one morning and find themselves with a renewed outlook on life. It is something that has to be cultivated from the bottom up. The roots have to be developed and then a person will begin to see the flowers. In my case I didn’t start this process until I was 30 years old. From the time I was about 17 years old I never could figure out what I believed in. I believed there was a God, but I didn’t have a value system or a commitment to any source that would help to inspire, or uplift me on a regular basis. Whenever a wave of life would hit me I would reach into the chambers of my soul and discover that there wasn’t anything there that I could use to help me deal with life’s problems. I never made the connection between spiritual maturity and overall maturity as a person. A spiritually mature person knows how to take the spiritual dimension and apply the principles of their belief system to their life on a daily basis. I have always enjoyed The Serenity Prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” In order for me to accept things and to develop wisdom I needed to plug into source to draw from and to gain daily inspiration. I found that the daily reading of the scriptures helped me gain insights into the battles of life and offered answers to questions that I otherwise never would have been able to come up with on my own. I would discover verses in scripture that I would meditate on and make them part of my prayer and thought life. The evangelist Martin Luther once said, “I have so much to do today, that I will have to spend two hours praying instead of one.” Scripture reading and prayer became a source for me to draw energy from, attain wisdom from, and to get the daily emotional strength I needed to manage my day.

Many people gain energy and insights from other areas. Inspirational literature, walks in the park, or even melodious music can inspire some. A fundamental belief system that gives a person a path to follow and that can make them almost unflappable and have inner peace is very private and very different for each person. There are certain core principles that spiritually mature people have adopted as a part of life. These principles are in the silent chambers of a person’s heart, and I believe that they are universal to everyone. When the ground starts to quake a person who has a strong core understands the reason for the earth quake and has the confidence that there is a way out.

Self Acceptance

Spiritually mature people have learned how to like themselves and value the differences in themselves. They have an understanding that they were created in a unique way. They don’t wish for what they don’t have, and are grateful for the things that they do have. As a young man I often wondered why I had the parents I had. I often wished that they were different and even sometimes wished that I had a different set of parents. I often wondered why I was stuck with two sisters, and didn’t have a brother. Sometimes I thought about how I wished I was taller, had bigger bones, and was smarter. When I was about 30, I came to grips with the fact that some things in life are unchangeable. When my own children start to complain about me or their mother I usually say to them, “Sorry we’re the only game in town; you can’t trade us in for another set.”

Spiritually mature people accept who they are. They realize that they wouldn’t be on this earth if their parents didn’t bring them into the world, and they accept their individual features that make them who they are.

The Balance of Power

Spiritually mature people understand the balance of power. In other words they know who is in charge and why certain people are in charge. I heard a great talk on leadership once at an administrator’s conference in Washington, DC. The speaker made a statement that really stuck with me. His statement was, “In order to be a good leader you have to be a good follower first.” Spiritually mature people know how to follow orders and work in any system without moaning and groaning, and don’t making statements like, “Why do we have to do this?” or better yet, “Why is he/she doing this?” They also don’t talk about their bosses behind their back. It is human nature to wonder why someone is doing something. Spiritually mature people know how to go to their boss and discuss things face to face.

Why do spiritually mature people have this ability? I believe it’s because they really know who is in absolute charge, and that’s God. They know that God has placed this person in charge of them for a reason, and if they have a problem with their boss they might as well have a problem with God, and they don’t want to take that chance. They have learned how to separate the person from the position. They respect their boss’s position, but in their heart they know that they don’t always have to like who he/she is as a person. They know that God will honor their compliance, loyalty, and respect for the person in charge and they believe that they will be blessed beyond measure for being a good employee.

Spiritually Mature People Can Forgive Others

Spiritually Mature people know how to forgive others. I battle this all the time. I know in my heart that I have to forgive others. I know that it is not good to hold a grudge. I say to myself you have to forgive, for your own good, you have to forgive. My problem comes in when I can’t forget. The longer I dwell on someone or something the angrier I become and ultimately I become bitter. This bitterness affects me and those around me. I will admit that this feeling can consume me at times. I might even look to get even with the person who I feel wronged me. Sometimes when I sleep I am told that I make statement like, “wait until you see what I’m going to do to these people.” Forgiveness is a sign of spiritual maturity. Lack of forgiveness can paralyze a person causing obsessive thoughts that impact a person’s ability to function on a day to day basis.

Spiritually mature people know that the object of their bitterness will be dealt with by God. They know how to forgive and forget. Sometimes they not only forget but they work to restore the relationship between themselves and others. They don’t allow themselves to fall into the trap of unforgiveness for a minute because they know that it is something that could impact them for a lifetime.

If you have ever been under pressure on the job, or financially you know how this can affect your mood and ultimately your relationship with your children. Children love to play guessing games, but they don’t like to play the game if they have to guess the mood that you are in that day. Our emotional state can determine the climate of our home and have either a positive or negative impact on our interaction with our children. Our children are absolutely watching us and are learning how to cope with life based upon the emotional model that we give them. Mood swings, angry outbursts, and depression are all too real for a dad and are very real for a divorced dad who is trying to live a reasonable life style himself, pay child support, deal with his ex wife, and maintain a good relationship with his children. Trying to keep your emotional index balanced is something that needs to be worked on a daily basis.

Historically men have been taught that they shouldn’t show their emotions. That doesn’t mean that they don’t have emotions, these emotions just go somewhere else. A man might withdraw, be short tempered, get physical with his kids, or even drink when he’s under pressure. Their kids see this and start to walk around on egg shells wondering what to say and how to act. The children get confused and begin to feel insecure when their dad is around. They almost live in fear. They want to please their dad but really don’t know how because he is so inconsistent emotionally.

I experienced this first hand with my dad who was a drinker. My dad wasn’t a daily drinker but more of a binge drinker who would disappear from time to time to go off on one of his benders. I never wanted to upset him because I didn’t want to feel responsible for his drinking. I always watched what I did and said because I never wanted to be the cause of him leaving. If he did go off and drink I would wonder what I or another family member did that set him off. Young children often don’t know why their dad is in a bad mood. The horror of it all is that children will blame themselves for the mood that their dad is in.

As fathers we have to commit ourselves to being emotionally balanced. That doesn’t mean that things aren’t going to upset us, it means that we are going to be aware of what is upsetting us. If work is the problem or if finances are the problem then we need to focus on the solution and take the steps that are necessary to solve the problem. We can’t allow our emotions to interfere with the most important relationship we will ever have in our lives, and that’s with our children.

As parents we are always concerned about how our child is doing in school. If our child comes home and has bad grades, or if we get a call from the teacher with a report that our child is not working up to his/her potential we get worried and we get concerned. We might start to sit with him/her and do homework, or help our child study for tests and quizzes. We place a high priority on our child’s education, and we should. The problem comes in when we start to see some progress and we turn down the pressure, and our child falls right back into the old habits again. As a dad I am not very different, really. Once I am not under pressure to do something, I usually don’t do it either. If I don’t have to learn something, the chances are I am not going to take the time to learn it. Usually when I have a problem I do some reading and research to try and find out the best way to manage, but if I didn’t have the problem I probably wouldn’t even bother to study the topic.
I was sitting with my daughter Grace one evening; we were doing her math homework. She’s in the 5th grade. I am a retired teacher and administrator. I had all kinds of problems understanding the work that she was doing. I was almost embarrassed by my inability to help her. Oh, I can add, subtract, multiply, and divide, but what she was doing had me at a loss. I almost felt like I had to go to school with Grace and sit in her class in order to learn this stuff myself. I had to call my friend Judy and have her explain to me how to solve some of the math problems.
There will come a time when I won’t be able to help Grace with her work because the work that she will be doing will be way over my head. My daughter Sarah is all advanced placement and honors classes in high school. I definitely can’t help her with her work. Sarah has developed the study habits that are necessary in order to do the work independent of me. Grace needs to develop the same study habits, and academic work ethic to be able to work independently.
I need to see to it that Grace develops into an independent learner. She definitely is bright enough to be a successful student. I’m concerned right now because I really don’t see Grace that interested in learning or reading. I think I need to make some changes myself. Grace needs to view me as person who wants to stay sharp mentally. I need to be more of a model for Grace. I need to read more and develop reading as a daily habit. I need to place the same priority on my own education. I want both Grace and Sarah to view education as a part of life and not just something that occurs when they are in school. As a dad I really am my children’s first teacher. The best way for them to learn from me is for them to se me as a student. I need to stay sharp and balanced mentally and model for them the type of student I want them to become.

With the holidays right around the corner it is real easy to get out of whack. If you guys have been listening to blogtalkradio you know that I just did a five part series on having a balanced life. I took this information from Stephen Covey’s book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Covey speaks in his books about the four dimensions of life, physical, mental, social/emotional, and spiritual and how important it is to stay balanced in all four areas. I am not a nutritionist or a personal trainer but I do know that the first dimension is real important for me. The minute I start to eat wrong and neglect an exercise program my blood pressure goes up along with my weight. At 53 years old this is not something that is good for me or my kids.

There are so many diet and exercise programs out there that it can become overwhelming sometimes to try and figure out which one is best for you. Often when we think of exercise we think of the cost of joining a gym, and rearranging our life in order to fit it in to our schedule. I have discovered that that’s not the case at all. After a lot of trial and error I have found that a brisk walk three time a week along with a little strength training helps keep my weight down and provides me with the extra energy to devote to the things that are the most important to me and that’s my kids.

As far as diet goes, I try to watch my sugar and starch intake and eat a little more protein. I fall of the wagon all the time, but at least I am aware of what I need to do in order to get back in shape. It is a struggle, but it is not as bad as you might think. With a few minor adjustments you will be able to stay with it, and that’s a good thing. Your kids need you around. Stay in shape and let your kids know that you are not only doing it for yourself, but also for them as well.

From the time I was 19 years old I used to wonder if I were to die tomorrow, what would people say about me at my funeral. How would I be eulogized and more importantly who would want to eulogize me? Who would be the people that would have something to say about me? I’ve been to enough funerals to know that people don’t disrespect the dead by saying negative things about the person in the coffin. Unless of course, you have an ex wife/husband who hates your guts. People say things like, “He was a great guy,” or people reminisce about the good times that they had with the person, or they talk about a contribution that the person made to their life. I usually get a kick out of the folks who comment about what a great job the undertaker did embalming the body. I’ve heard things like, “Boy does he look great, doesn’t he look like himself.”

One thing is for sure and that is life is short and death is certain. Life is so short that I am sure that people wish that they had said some of the things about the dead person to the person when he was alive. Unfortunately that’s not the case. All too often we wait so long to express how we really feel about a person, and then it becomes too long because the person dies. This is one instance where saving the best for last just doesn’t work.

As a father of two daughters I have been told by them that they believe that I am going to be around for a long time. That really is just their way of saying take care of yourself dad, because we want and need you to be around. I don’t think that they will get caught up in how I died but more importantly they will think about how I lived and especially how I treated them. I have asked myself on more than one occasion, what would I want my daughters Sarah and Grace to say about me at my funeral. One thing always seems to come to mind. I would want them to remember me for being kind and loving in all that I did. I want to be remembered for not just saying that I loved them but for expressing my love in how I treated them.

There are other people too who have been in my life, Judy my long time companion, my two sisters, and two brother-in-laws. As I thought about what I would want them to say the same thing came to mind. “Jim was a kind and loving brother. “Oh, I’m sure they will say other things, but to me that’s just window dressing.

As a retired teacher and even as a principal I am sure that some will find out that I kicked the bucket and make a decision to come and pay their respects. I am sure that they will say one or two nice things about me. But I don’t think they’re going to say that Jim was kind and loving in all that he did. If I could turn back the clock and I had another shot at being a kinder person to the people that I worked with, I would. I am sure that I made some enemies when I worked as a school administrator. If I had been kind and compassionate during those years, I wouldn’t have any enemies.

But I’m not dead, and believe you me I hope my kids are correct in their prophesy, that I am going to be around for a long time. I still have time to make sure that my kids have only the best things to say about me when I do kick the bucket, and that’s a real comforting thought. I still can be kind and loving. I still can say I’m sorry if I wasn’t kind or loving enough. Why is being kind and loving the thing I want to be remembered for? Well, I have had enough arguments in my life, and being kind and loving is not something that anyone can argue with.

No I’m not remarried. Based upon my past history I may never get married again. That is not a knock on my Judy who is the most wonderful, beautiful, understanding and compassionate woman I have ever been with. Both of us have children who we love like there is no tomorrow. She has two boys and a girl, I have two girls. Judy’s daughter Randi is married and is pregnant and working on a family of her own. Her other two boys are 22 and 19. Danny still lives at home, and Ben is a freshman at Dartmouth. Yeah, Ivy league. I have two daughters, Sarah and Grace who both live with their mother. Sarah is almost 17 and Grace is 11. Christmas has become a wonderful time for me. It wasn’t always that way, but it is now. I love spending Christmas day with my kids, exchanging gifts and enjoying a wonderful Christmas meal that Judy always prepares. By the way Judy is Jewish so before she met me Christmas day meant a trip to the movies and a Chinese restaurant. Because she loves me and my children so much she makes Christmas at my house festive, joyful and a lot of fun for everybody.

The problems comes in when I have to wrangle with my ex wife during the holiday season. I usually have the kids on Christmas, but because she really wants them she can have a tendency to make life less festive. She does have the kids on Christmas Eve, when they have dinner at their aunts’ house. My kids love coming to my house on Christmas because they are the center of attention and receive their presents. It is an absolute blast for me to give them their gifts and see their eyes light up. The tension though of dealing with my ex wife can dampen their spirit and sometime mine, if I let it.

Now, some dads may be remarried, have kids from a previous marriage, have kids from their present marriage and have something called a blended family. Managing that crowd of people during the holidays may be something that you have to start preparing for right after the New Year. But, maybe not if you just make a few adjustments in your thinking as you deal with this complicated mess.

The thing I want most during the holiday season is peace. I don’t want arguments during the year and I sure don’t want them now. I can’t control my ex wife’s thought process, my God that would require a slide rule, but I can develop my own perspective on the situation. During the Thanksgiving holiday I had my Thanksgiving dinner on the Friday after Thanksgiving. My kids were with their mother on Thanksgiving day and it made it easier to manage everyone’s schedule by having dinner the day after Thanksgiving. If Christmas is going to become the same type of problem for you, try to understand that you may have to break from tradition and celebrate Christmas the day before or the day after. Believe me you will have a better time and there will be far less tension, and running around.

The world is not a perfect place. The Christmas season can make us more aware of that then any other time. Small things can become big things if we let them. Let negative comments go and focus on the kids and what you can do for them. Try to avoid financial arguments that seem to always come up during the holidays. Do your best to discuss things in a calm manner and let go of the small stuff. Money always seems to be a problem for my ex wife, not because of my lack of giving, but because of her distaste for working. Gift giving has always been my self imposed responsibility. Having different expectations of her during the holidays will only make me angry and destroy the joy that I have in giving to my kids.

Lastly, no matter how small your holiday celebration might be don’t make it a downer for your kids. Kids by their nature love the holidays, whether it be Christmas or Chanukah. Try to keep your spirits up because you love them, and want them to enjoy the season. When your kids are with you the biggest gift that you can give them is a loving dad who has tried to do whatever was necessary to make their holiday a peaceful one.

If you are a religious person you know that the gift of grace from God is something that is called unmerited favor. It’s something that God gives us to help us through difficult parts of our life and sometimes even the difficult parts of a day, an hour or a minute. About eleven years ago I received the gift of Grace from God, and it wasn’t a spiritual experience. Rather it was my daughter Grace who was born on October 9, 1996. I have two daughters, Sarah and Grace. Sarah was my first born; Grace came along more than five years later. I ended up separated and divorced from their mother when Grace was almost four years old. Both of my daughters have rallied behind me and continue to let me know how much they love me. I owe a debt of gratitude to the two of them. Just like a father is supposed to devote time to each of his children on an individual basis, I would like to devote this writing to Grace and spend the time letting her and everyone know what she means to me.

After my divorce it took me about 5 years before I finally bought a house. I chose to buy a house close to my children so I could get to them with ease whenever I wanted to or needed to. They both slept at my house on some weekends and sometimes on a day during the week. Sarah’s scheduled seemed to keep her from doing this as often as I would have likee, but Grace always kept coming to my house week after week. We developed a routine. I would pick her up from school every Tuesday and Thursday, and she would come over to my house. We would have dinner, do homework together, go to bed, and start over the next morning. On top of that, she stays with me probably every other weekend. Sometimes she would ask me on a Sunday if she could come over on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of that week, and of course I would say yes. As time went on and Grace and I were spending all of this beautiful time together, Grace and I were becoming best friends. The word grace has taken on new meaning for me. As I mentioned earlier, the word grace refers to what God has given us to get through the hardest times in our lives. The gift from God of my daughter Grace has truly allowed me to survive the very difficult years after my divorce. She is God’s gift to me, and I am so grateful that He has given her to me.

I think the most excitement that I ever have had with Grace has been watching her evolve into an unbelievable soccer player. Grace started playing soccer at about four years old and has participated in soccer for about 7 years. If you count her participation in the spring and fall that’s 14 seasons. When she first started out she did nothing but run up and down the field. She didn’t care one bit if she ever even touched the ball. She just loved playing the game. That changed very quickly as she learned how to handle the ball, pass and shoot in no time at all. She worked hard and became an unbelievable team player. I can remember her complaining to me only a year ago that she had never scored a goal. She always knew that she would at some point. This past fall season she broke through. She was named captain of the team, and I don’t think a game went by when she didn’t score a goal. The season ended with something called a soccerama on a Sunday afternoon. Grace played soccer from 2:00 in the afternoon until 8:00 at night that day. She was exhausted. I never saw anyone play that hard. She was named the MVP of the team.

I love Grace. To me she is an MVP also. She is my Most Valuable Person. She is an example to me. She has so many wonderful qualities that they are just too numerous to mention. She hugs and kisses me all the time; she covers me when I fall asleep. She watches out for me. I remember when a dog that was in her friend’s yard came after me this summer. I was trying to run away, and I fell down in the driveway. I will never forget that worried look that she had in her face thinking that I really got hurt. We laugh and we learn together. I never had a friend like this ever, even when I was a little boy. Grace is a friend that is more interested in giving than getting. She knows how to be a friend. I have been blessed by God’s gift of Grace.

As a dad nothing gives me more pleasure than attending school events. When my daughter Sarah was on the track team I used to love to go to her track meets. I watched my 11 year old daughter Grace develop into a wonderful soccer player, this past season she was recognized as the most valuable player on her team. School events are especially fun, especially the ones that are held during the Christmas and Hanukkah season.

Last night I attended Grace’s holiday concert and I have to tell you I had a great time. The fifth and sixth grades put on one of the best shows I think I ever attended. There was singing, dancing, ballet, solo acts, and comedy. It was absolutely fabulous. There were two shows, and I stayed and watched the second show also, that’s how good the performance was.

I must admit that attending some of these shows in the past usually put me to sleep, and at times I would be nudged by someone to stop snoring. Last night I didn’t want the show to end. I realize that at times it is tough to attend these events. Schedules always seem to get in the way for a dad. Do yourself and your kids a favor, the next time the school has an event, clear your schedule and attend it. Grace was thrilled that I was there. They will always tell you that they are happy that you were there; they know that you are proud of them, and your attendance shows that you are. They never seem to say anything when you are not in attendance, at least not at the time. We usually find out how they wish you saw them in the school play when they are married with their own kids. That’s not something any of us as dads want to hear. Remember something, no person on their death bed ever wishes that they had spent more time at work. Do the right thing.

As I have looked back over my life, I have come to the realization that I learned more from dad than any other person in my life. His influence impacted me and helped develop me as a student, but mostly as a person. There is no doubt that a person’s personality is formed because of all of the things that people have said to us and have done to us and for us. My dad always had plenty of things to say to me, and did many things with me as a young child that helped me develop my interests, and many of the unique talents that I have today. He was a dad who was much older than the father’s of most of my friends. I was born when he was forty six years old. By the time I was 12 he had already had one stroke and didn’t have the physical strength to do many of the activities with me that fathers can do with their sons. He might not have had the strength to play baseball, football, or basketball with me, but anytime I wanted to participate in these activities he took me to the events and watched and supported me. He enjoyed watching me, and I loved knowing that he was there for me. I really loved when he would critique my performance and offer me advice. He became a student of the activities I was involved with and my best teacher.

As a father (and divorced dad) of two daughters myself I have learned that I have to take on the role as a primary educator for my children. Because my children live with their mother, it has been a challenge to involve myself in my children’s education because of the fact that I don’t see my kids on a daily basis. I do however call everyday and I am very aware of their academic progress and their day to day activities. I am a participant, a student, a supporter, and a teacher in their academic program. It has helped that I have been an educator for 30 years and have taught more students, teachers, and parents than I care to mention. But I have come to believe that my success in life will not be based on how well I educated someone else’s children, but how well I educated my own children. Stephen Covey explained in is book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People that a person has to achieve private victory in his life before he can have any form of public victory. In very simple terms I have to see to it that I successfully educate my own children, before I can have a part in the education of someone else’s children. As dads you can initiate or participate in activities that help your children succeed academically. Helping your children learn can increase their success in school. It is extremely important for your children to be independent learners. You want them to develop a hunger for knowledge, and become lifetime learners. The frequency with which you interact in positive ways with your children during the course of your education will reflect your interest in your child’s education and communicate to them the importance of doing well in school.

When your children are young, read to them every single day, even if it is for only 10 or 15 minutes. This will create a love of reading in your children which will help them become good readers. Continue to encourage your children to read as they get older. The key to this though, is that you have to put the time in when they are young reading to them and with them. Your children should also see you reading something everyday, and that can include the newspaper or even the Bible. You cannot just tell your children to read, and never pick up something to read yourself. Children learn by example first. Take your children to the library, and encourage them to take out books. When they have reports, take them to the library to find books they can use for research material rather than letting them find everything they need on the internet.

Establish daily routines with your kids that establish specific times for homework. When your children come home from school, you or your wife should make sure that they sit down at the kitchen or dining room table where you or she can see them so that they can be closely monitored while they are doing their homework. They cannot come home and go right up to their rooms supposedly to do their homework until you have the trust and knowledge that they will actually do this. They also cannot sit down at the TV, or have playdates before their homework is completed. Do not be so concerned about whether or not your children are having fun every second. They need to develop good study habits first, and I’m talking about establishing these when they are in first grade. Once they develop the good habits, you will not have to do much. If they are older at this point, and you haven’t worked on any of this before, then lay down the law now and establish this new routine. If they are older, it’s going to take much more effort on your part to do this. But if you just continue allowing them to do their thing, then I promise you that their success as students will be extremely limited.

Be sure to establish some time to spend with your children where you’re talking and having some fun. As a divorced dad I have to be sure to schedule specific time for my kids to visit my home on school nights. I have not been as successful with this with my oldest daughter Sarah as I would have liked. I think the problem was that I did not insist that she come. If she said she had something else to do, then I went along with that. Now, she’s pretty much in a habit of not coming over. She is almost 17 years old and has a very independent spirit. She is doing very well in high school and chooses to visit my home on a very limited basis. See, I think that’s the problem. I allowed her to choose, starting about when she was about 12 or 13, and parents shouldn’t be allowing their 12 or 13 year olds to choose those types of things. In certain areas, you (or I) should be the boss, and that’s just the way it is. Hopefully, my involvement is going to grow exponentially as she begins to prepare to go to college. But that will come only if I put the pressure on her to spend that time with me. I know she’ll be better off (and so will I) if we spend that time together. We dads just have to be strong and assert ourselves with our kids, which sometimes is really hard to do, if our kids are more assertive than we are. I know one thing for sure, and that is that if I don’t guide her through through her growing pains, then someone else will. This someone else is probably her friends, and I don’t think they have as much wisdom as I do.

My younger daughter Grace is in the 5^th grade and visits me 2-3 days a week. We do homework together. We have dinner and talk about her day, as well as my day. I enjoy sharing stories with her about what I did during the day. She also enjoys hearing stories about my childhood and what my father was like when I was a little boy. We have a great time laughing together, that’s for sure. But I make sure that I sit with Grace at the dining room table basically the whole time she is doing her homework. Neither her mother nor I really helped Grace establish the good study habits she needed when she was in first or second grade (which I spoke about earlier in this article), so now I’m faced with the reality that I have to make sure she establishes good study habits now. My window of opportunity is quickly closing, because once students are 12 or 13 years old, they almost become too old to sit at the table with their parents. But luckily, Grace is still young enough, and I can mold her in this area. As I attempt to take on a greater role as I help Grace with her with any difficulties she has with homework, I have to be sure to be consistent, and do this every single time that Grace is with me. I want Grace to see me as someone who may not always know every answer, but as a person who knows how to discover an answer through diligence and hard work. I know that I am not perfect. I do know this though, every moment that I spend with her while she is acquiring knowledge, and every positive word that I say to her will help her in terms of her feeling good about learning. It will also help me build a stronger relationship with her. Being divorced may not have been the very best thing for my kids, but it has forced me to look at my role as a father and use the time that I spend with them as an opportunity for them to view me as her first and most important teacher.

I am really dreading the weekend, because I have to work. Not that I don’t like my job. I really love what I do. I am an independent contractor who teaches graduate course in New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Maryland. I travel a lot especially on weekends. The weekends are my time with my kids. Because I’m divorced I won’t be seeing them this weekend. It’s not so bad, I work about every other weekend, and some of the time I can drive home on Saturday to see them. I need the money and my daughters Sarah and Grace both understand this. I call them when I’m working just to let them know how much I love them. My emotions are an open book. I want them to know how I feel. When you are not with your kids let them know whatever you are doing that you would rather be with them. Let them know how your day is going, and ask them how their day is going as well. Speak to their heart and let them know that they are always on your mind and that you are always thinking of them.