I was driving with my daughter Sarah in her car the other day and was trying to give her a few words of wisdom about school, work, and being a careful driver. After I got through with my monologue there was dead silence and I thought well, at least I told her my concerns. If it fell on deaf ears so be it. She probably has her mind on other things. After about one minute of silence she said to me, “Dad I really don’t know what I am ever going to do without you.” To me that was her way of telling me that she understood what I was saying to her, and that maybe she actually depended on my ever-present advice.

When children receive an inheritance from their parents, it usually is in the form of money or some other material item. There are some things however that parents leave to their children that no one can ever place a price on. A dad’s words spoken to his children last a lifetime. They are like a lamp that gets turned on in the minds of his children when he is no longer around. There is something about the words and actions of a dad that leaves a legacy in the minds and hearts of his children.

Whether it’s good or bad, we all leave a legacy to our children. What would I like my legacy to be? That my children have learned from me how to discover happiness, and how they can work out the struggles that they will face throughout their lives. I want to know that I have taught my children to know and like who they are and how they fit into this world. I want my children to use their talents wisely and understand their strengths and weaknesses and really develop a life purpose, a purpose that isn’t based upon money, but is based upon how well they serve others and how well they perform the jobs that they are given. Last, I want to know that I have taught my daughters how to be loving and unselfish spouses and parents.

But I want to live long enough to find out if I did anything right with my children. I pray that I will have the chance to watch my daughters begin to raise their own children and teach their children by example some of the values I have tried to impart to them. Once I know that my daughters are independent and are prepared to leave their own children a legacy, that’s when I will die a happy man. It comforts me to know that even once I’m gone, my girls can still turn that lamp on that’s in their head with the word dad on it, and think about the advice that I’d give them if I were alive.

Lou Dobbs said that he was sorry about calling Governor Eliot Spitzer an idiot. Sincerely. As for ripping the New York Democrat as arrogant, spineless and “a spoiled rich kid brat,” the host of CNN’s “Lou Dobbs Tonight” stands by those nationally broadcast broadsides.

Yeah, Eliot Spitzer was a rich kid, and that might have made him feel superior. Maybe his genius IQ made him feel superior and that’s why he turned out to be so self-righteous, so argumentative, and have an insatiable desire to prove that everyone is wrong and he was the only one who was right.

I do know that kids who are raised in environments where they are either always wrong, or always right end up having a faulty perception of themselves and the world around them. I also believe that permissive parenting can be at the root of many of the problems that we have in society today. Too often children are placed on such a high pedestal by their parents and then they become the king or queen of the household, and their parents believe they can do no wrong. Eventually they believe they can do no wrong.

In reality it’s the desire of the parents to give their children everything they want, because they love their children so much, and because it’s a way for people to express their love for their children, that can in the end create a very spoiled child. I also believe that giving all kinds of freedoms and all kinds of choices to children causes children to develop an absolute lack of self control in them which they will carry into their adult lives. This type of parenting has become endemic in our society today. It is typefied by parents who constantly rationalize with their children, try to cajole their children, but in the end allow them to decide almost everything for themselves. You will see young girls in elementary school wearing tank tops, and even sandals to school in the middle of the winter, you will see a mom making three different things for dinner, you will see you will see three siblings watching three different TV shows on three different TV’s because they all have chosen to watch something different, you will see children coming to school without their homework done, because their parents have allowed them to choose to do something other than their homework, you will see kids whining and screaming in a store, and the parent’s response is something like, “Honey, what do you want to do?” Don’t get me wrong. The parents are probably very well intentioned, but the end result of giving everything, every desire of your child’s heart, whether it is bought for them or allowed for them, will in the end produce an adult who thinks he or she can have anything and do anything.

Eliot Spitzer is rich and he got that way because of his parents. Some people believe that money can right all wrongs, and that it takes the place of good parenting. An Ivy League education doesn’t mean that you can say and do as you please. An Ivy League education means that you have an Ivy League Education. It means that you get an Ivy League job with all of the benefits and responsibilities that go along with it. Once you combine a millionaire mentality with the thoughts that your ideas are the only ideas, that’s when you produce an Eliot Spitzer, a spoiled rich kid who was placed on such a high pedestal by his parents that it created in him the belief that the world was all wrong and he was all right.

Eliot Spitzer rose up through the ranks as a lawyer, and became the New York State Attorney General. He was ultimately elected the Governor of the State of New York. But Eliot Spitzer did not know how to use his position of power for the good of the group. It turned out inside his head, his ego was raging, and he was almost becoming drunk on his power. From day one in the governor’s mansion, it became my way or the highway. Again, he acted like a spoiled brat.

Eliot Spitzer believed that he was above the law. He thought that he could get way with illegal and immoral acts because he was placed on the highest pedestal that the State of New York had to offer; the governorship. His position as governor and as a public figure required him to conduct his life as a model for all to see. And he looked the part. He had an Ivy League education, money, and a pretty good pedigree. We have learned though, that there was one crucial thing missing. Unfortunately he lacked the self control and the character to live up to the standards that the job demanded. I agree with Lou Dobbs. I agree that Eliot Spitzer is a spoiled, arrogant, spineless, rich kid brat, but I won’t apologize for stating that Eliot Spitzer is really a true idiot.

March 3, 2008

 Dear Grace:

 I am sorry that I have been such a poor example to you recently. I have made a few mistakes and I am asking for your forgiveness. I have already spoken to you and I do know that you forgive me, but I want to write this down so I don’t forget. What you think of me means everything and I don’t want you to have a bad opinion of me. Some of the mistakes that I have made I am even too embarrassed to write about and wouldn’t want the readers of this letter to think badly of me, that’s how serious I am about my own behavior.

 I want you to be proud of me as your dad, and I will see to it that you are by the changes that I will make in my own behavior. As time goes on I want us to experience mutual pride for each other, and I believe that we will both learn from one another. I want you to tell me when I am doing something, that bothers you and I will do my best to stop doing it. You can bet that I will tell you, that to me what this relationship is all about. I have said it before, and I will say it again; you are my best friend.

I Love You Dad

It’s really a great thing when our kids get older, I mean like 14-18, they have a sense of independence and are quite self sufficient. They start driving at 17 years old and can now get themselves where they want to go, they can hold down a part time job, and can be trusted to baby sit their younger siblings. As a parent we have to be cautious though because they still need supervision. Teenagers haven’t lived long enough to realize the dangers of certain activities and they lack a character quality that may only develop over a period of many years, and that’s self-control. To be quite honest there are some adults who don’t posses this quality and experience difficulty in this area their whole life. A person just has to look around in society to discover the number of marriages that have been wrecked by affairs or alcoholism.

 Teenagers left to themselves without the proper guidance, supervision, and instruction from a parent will develop the urge to experience the whole sex, drugs, and rock and roll scene and will have to taste the garbage to find out that they don’t like it. Parents want to trust their children and believe that when they tell their son or daughter not to have parties in the house when I’m not there, that their son or daughter will abide by their wishes. I hate to be a pessimist, but most times the desire is too strong, for the teenager to resist, and the partying begins as soon as the parent pulls out of the driveway.

 Just like teenagers still need our advice and guidance, they still need our supervision. Society believes that smart people learn from their mistakes. I believe that smart people learn from someone else’s mistakes. Take it from me teenagers can’t control themselves and need parental supervision. We like to believe that they are all grown up at 17, that’s when they need our presence the most.

Get Your Bullying Report Online Right Now!

Many years ago when my oldest daughter Sarah was about 4 years old a good friend of mine told me that girls were easier to raise than boys. I don’t have any boys and my daughter is now 17 and I am not so sure that this statement is all true. One thing I do know is that I hate to see my daughter upset. I don’t mean mildly upset, that just goes with being a teenager, but upset to the point of tears. This happened to me the other night when I was in the car with Sarah and she received a text message from one of her friends. The text message said that this friend wanted to talk to her about something. Sarah couldn’t get in touch with the girl that sent the text message so she called another one of the girls in their group of friends. She has been friends with 4 girls for about the last two years. These girls do everything together. Hang out mostly as Sarah calls it. They go to parties together, study together, drive to school together, and yes, they get into trouble once in a while together.

When Sarah called one of the girls up the girl told her that all four girls were upset with her because they were starting to view her as being selfish, and annoying. My daughter was blindsided by this information and really didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what they were talking about. I asked her if she thought this information was true. She told me no. I then asked her if she thought she might have a couple of blind spots and the girls were possibly seeing something in her that she just didn’t see in herself. She said no, and I must say she did a pretty convincing job backing up what she told me. The question is this; how do you as a dad offer a teenage daughter advice in situations like these? I am no expert but, I believe that I did a pretty good job of helping her based upon the outcome.

Teenage girls always seem to like to be connected to some group outside their family. Teenage boys like the connection also, but a boy’s connection is usually with some type of sports team, or club. Girls like to be connected to each other. The longer this connection lasts the greater the chance that their weaknesses will be exposed, and for sure they will start engaging in rumors, and gossiping about one another. Girls also tend to become more jealous in these relationships if a boy becomes involved in this mix, and is dating one of the girls. Once one of the girls has an opinion about someone else in their group they will bend over backward to try and convince the other members of the group that it is true. They will even search for the evidence to prove their point. This behavior becomes crushing and emotionally painful to the girl who is being ganged up on, as was the case with my daughter.

What can you do when your daughter confides in you enough to tell you what is going on? First, listen, and I mean listen well. Find out all the facts and please don’t react or condemn your daughter. Don’t say to her you better change your ways. If you are condemning her it’s a good chance that that’s the reason why she looking for connections to other people outside the family. The next thing is to love her to death with your actions and words. My comment to my daughter was, I like everything about you. I like how you talk and I like how you act. Help her understand that you are her biggest fan. Let her know that she doesn’t have to apologize for something that she truly believes she is not guilty of. I mean are these girls the only one with an opinion? Of course if she feels as if she has done something to offend someone realize the mistake, apologize, and move on.

Tell your daughter that long term relationships give everyone an opportunity to show their true colors. These relationships may be nice at first, but the longer that a person is in them the greater the chance that the true character of someone will pop up. That’s when a person has to decide if they want to stay friends with someone who is not a very loyal friend. Tell your daughter to stand tall, hold her head up, and don’t let them see you cry, and that you will be there to help her do all of these.

Adolescent relationships are a growth process. There is pain that can come from being hurt by a so called friend. Guess what by the time your daughter is 22 she will have the savvy to manage this type of crap and she won’t be emotionally immature when it comes down to relationships. All friendships are not intimate, and by that I mean a relationship that involves a person’s heart, mind, and soul. The relationships that your daughter has with someone in high school might be viewed by her as intimate, but it’s probably not as close as she thinks that it is. Relationships have a continuum that go from, acquaintance, friend, close friend, and then intimate friend. An intimate friend is usually someone that is a life long friend that can celebrate with you when your happy, support you when you are sad, and really love you for who you are.

By the way after I offered my daughter some of my wisdom, which took me two days to do, she said to me “I really love you dad,” and she was happier than I have seen her in a long while. When I was alone, I cried, yes I cried again. I am such a big baby.

I do a show on blogtalkradio.com called The Dad Talk Zone almost every day at 4:30 pm EST. I have been talking about some of the more conservative and traditional parenting methods that were used 40 years ago. I’ve looked at the changes that have occurred in society and often wonder why anyone would want to become more liberal and permissive in the parenting of their children. The show is called “The Ramblings of a Dinosaur” which is the title of a new book that will be our sometime in the summer. The reason for the title is sometimes I feel like a dinosaur, a person whose ideas just don’t seem to fit anymore. I published several articles on my other blog behavioral-management.com about my upbringing and the conservative way that children were raised during the early sixties. I think they are worth republishing here just to give dads an idea that traditional and conservative approaches to parenting aren’t all bad.

HE WASN’T CHEAP, HE CARED

My parents owned a bar and from the time I can remember which was about four years old I spent my time sitting on a bar stool. Most kids were playing with their friends or some toys that they had I was always talking to strangers and playing with beer boxes. It did have its advantages, like as I got older I had a built in job and I really learned how to talk to adults. You always had to agree with them because you did not want to lose them as a customer. Always polite always considerate and never giving anyone a hard time, of course I learned how to curse like a sailor at a very young age and got a taste of beer when I was about ten years old. The place had its characters that were both humorous and sad at the same time. I always thought it was normal for a guy to spend 4 or 5 hours drinking at the end of a work day before they went home. Many times as I got older I would drive some guy home who was to drunk to drive. When I got him home I found out why he spent that amount of time in the bar after work, his wife was less than happy to see him when he got there not because he was drunk she just didn’t like the guy.

One of the things I loved as a kid was the fact that there was always cash around. I would ask my dad for a dime or a quarter and he would reach into the till and hand it over. One warm summer evening around 5 o’clock I asked my dad for a quarter and he said “no.” I asked again and he said “no.” I finally said “c’mon dad please.” He did not give in. I got as mad as an 11 year old could get and walked out passing four customers sitting at the bend in the bar right by the door and on my way out I said “CHEAP.” As soon as I said this I knew I was in trouble and I tried to think of words that sounded like cheap that I could use to try and convince him that he just heard wrong. Then I had to find a way to get back in without him seeing me. There was only one way in and that was through the bar. Well I rode my bike for a while and then decided to try and get passed the blockade. When I got back to the bar the bar was closed. The bar that was open 364 days a year was closed. He locked the door and made me knock to get in. I knocked on the door and he opened it. I asked him to hold the door open so I could bring in my bike. He stood there grabbed me by the arm and said to me “What did you say on the way out of here.” I told him I said “cheap.” The grip on my arm got tighter and he said to me “After all the nickels, dimes, and quarters I have given you call me cheap.” I said “sorry dad.” He then loosened his grip and told me to go upstairs. My dad took a break around 7o’clock for dinner and took a nap until 9 when he went back downstairs to work. Around 8:30 I learned the biggest lesson of my life. He called me into his bedroom and sat me down. My dad said to me “Do you know why I locked the door to the bar after you left.” I said “no.” He said to me “After you left the bar the four guys who heard what you said started talking about you and what an ungrateful and selfish kid you were, and I couldn’t take it. I had to put them out, I just got sick hearing them talk like this about my son.” My dad put those guys out in my defense and because of the ache he felt in his heart. My dad used my own stupidity as a time to teach me that I can’t say anything I want and he wanted me to understand that whether or not I think anybody else hears my comments doesn’t matter, somebody hears and starts to develop a perception of you as a person. I never forgot this lesson. You see all along I thought those guys would ride my dad on what a cheapskate they thought he was because he would not give me a quarter. I was so wrong. As I look at this story all I can think of is the way kids speak to their parents today at a younger age than I way when I called my dad cheap. Kids didn’t just wake up one day and decide that they were going to be rude to their parents. This has happened so slowly it was almost unrecognizable at first but now we ask “What are we going to do with these kids.” I named this essay “Cheap” because of how ironic it is that I called my father cheap in front of his customers when he truly was not cheap, and I ended up feeling cheap, and deservingly so, when my father was done with me. Even though it is cheap to sit a kid down and talk to him today the way my dad did, does anyone take the time to do it anymore?

If you have ever been under pressure on the job, or financially you know how this can affect your mood and ultimately your relationship with your children. Children love to play guessing games, but they don’t like to play the game if they have to guess the mood that you are in that day. Our emotional state can determine the climate of our home and have either a positive or negative impact on our interaction with our children. Our children are absolutely watching us and are learning how to cope with life based upon the emotional model that we give them. Mood swings, angry outbursts, and depression are all too real for a dad and are very real for a divorced dad who is trying to live a reasonable life style himself, pay child support, deal with his ex wife, and maintain a good relationship with his children. Trying to keep your emotional index balanced is something that needs to be worked on a daily basis.

Historically men have been taught that they shouldn’t show their emotions. That doesn’t mean that they don’t have emotions, these emotions just go somewhere else. A man might withdraw, be short tempered, get physical with his kids, or even drink when he’s under pressure. Their kids see this and start to walk around on egg shells wondering what to say and how to act. The children get confused and begin to feel insecure when their dad is around. They almost live in fear. They want to please their dad but really don’t know how because he is so inconsistent emotionally.

I experienced this first hand with my dad who was a drinker. My dad wasn’t a daily drinker but more of a binge drinker who would disappear from time to time to go off on one of his benders. I never wanted to upset him because I didn’t want to feel responsible for his drinking. I always watched what I did and said because I never wanted to be the cause of him leaving. If he did go off and drink I would wonder what I or another family member did that set him off. Young children often don’t know why their dad is in a bad mood. The horror of it all is that children will blame themselves for the mood that their dad is in.

As fathers we have to commit ourselves to being emotionally balanced. That doesn’t mean that things aren’t going to upset us, it means that we are going to be aware of what is upsetting us. If work is the problem or if finances are the problem then we need to focus on the solution and take the steps that are necessary to solve the problem. We can’t allow our emotions to interfere with the most important relationship we will ever have in our lives, and that’s with our children.

With the holidays right around the corner it is real easy to get out of whack. If you guys have been listening to blogtalkradio you know that I just did a five part series on having a balanced life. I took this information from Stephen Covey’s book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Covey speaks in his books about the four dimensions of life, physical, mental, social/emotional, and spiritual and how important it is to stay balanced in all four areas. I am not a nutritionist or a personal trainer but I do know that the first dimension is real important for me. The minute I start to eat wrong and neglect an exercise program my blood pressure goes up along with my weight. At 53 years old this is not something that is good for me or my kids.

There are so many diet and exercise programs out there that it can become overwhelming sometimes to try and figure out which one is best for you. Often when we think of exercise we think of the cost of joining a gym, and rearranging our life in order to fit it in to our schedule. I have discovered that that’s not the case at all. After a lot of trial and error I have found that a brisk walk three time a week along with a little strength training helps keep my weight down and provides me with the extra energy to devote to the things that are the most important to me and that’s my kids.

As far as diet goes, I try to watch my sugar and starch intake and eat a little more protein. I fall of the wagon all the time, but at least I am aware of what I need to do in order to get back in shape. It is a struggle, but it is not as bad as you might think. With a few minor adjustments you will be able to stay with it, and that’s a good thing. Your kids need you around. Stay in shape and let your kids know that you are not only doing it for yourself, but also for them as well.

How to Feel Better During the Holidays - Feeling depressed is normal - What to do about the Holiday Blues 

I don’t think I will ever forget my first Christmas when I was separated from my ex wife and was without my kids. It was many years ago, but all I have to do is think of that day and I get sick and depressed. I saw my kids on Christmas at their house. They had plans with their mother so I gave them their presents and then I had to leave. The pain of leaving on that day was excruciating for me emotionally. I didn’t even know where I was going to go. I stopped by a good friend’s house and spent an hour or two with him and his family and then had dinner in a Chinese restaurant around 4:00 pm. I really couldn’t wait for the day to end.

The holiday season for a newly divorced dad can be a real time of sadness. What once was is no longer. We don’t wake up in the morning to the sound of the kid’s voices on Christmas day.  We wake up and the chances are its pretty quiet where we are.  It is a quiet that we can’t seem to get used to.   There is an empty feeling inside of us and we really don’t know how to fill the void. It has been said that time heals all wounds. That is true for some people, but sometimes tremendous losses take a lifetime to heal if they heal at all. Divorce can be like death. The only difference is death is final. A person who is divorced knows that the person that he/she was once married to still walks the earth. They see this person from time to time, and if they still care for the person the reminder can be too much to bear. Divorce can produce guilt, shame, heartache, depression, regret, and anger. When the holiday season starts all of these feelings seem to come crashing down on us at once. Christmas is particularly difficult because it is so festive, and it seems like everyone is having a good time except us.

The Christmas holiday can cause us as divorced dads to focus on ourselves instead of others. We can become so depressed that we obsess about the past and dwell on what once was. These emotions can be so devastating that they permeate other areas of our life, like our job, our health, our attitude about living, and it can impact the relationship that means the most to us and that’s the relationship that we have with our children.

That first Christmas for me without my children was crushing emotionally. I realized that I couldn’t bear it again. I also realized that I didn’t have the luxury of being depressed. As a dad I realized that my kids still count on me. That first Christmas was seven years ago, I vowed on that day that my kids would be with me on Christmas day. I didn’t own a home until the fifth Christmas after my divorce. I worked to be sure that the holiday for me and my children would be as festive as I could possibly make it. I made sure that I arranged my bills so buying gifts for my kids would not be a problem. I decorated my house, and made it look like Christmas when my kids came over. The biggest thing that helped me during those very depressing times was God. I heard God say to me on more than one occasion, “Jim, this goes with the territory, and I am putting you are in charge of this territory. I am here to help you but ultimately you have to take the responsibility to make sure that you don’t suffer again. I love you Jim and I don’t want you to suffer.” As a divorced dads on Christmas we are going to have our ups and downs. Only we can decide how many of each we are going to have. Just remember we have plenty of help.

As I have looked back over my life, I have come to the realization that I learned more from dad than any other person in my life. His influence impacted me and helped develop me as a student, but mostly as a person. There is no doubt that a person’s personality is formed because of all of the things that people have said to us and have done to us and for us. My dad always had plenty of things to say to me, and did many things with me as a young child that helped me develop my interests, and many of the unique talents that I have today. He was a dad who was much older than the father’s of most of my friends. I was born when he was forty six years old. By the time I was 12 he had already had one stroke and didn’t have the physical strength to do many of the activities with me that fathers can do with their sons. He might not have had the strength to play baseball, football, or basketball with me, but anytime I wanted to participate in these activities he took me to the events and watched and supported me. He enjoyed watching me, and I loved knowing that he was there for me. I really loved when he would critique my performance and offer me advice. He became a student of the activities I was involved with and my best teacher.

As a father (and divorced dad) of two daughters myself I have learned that I have to take on the role as a primary educator for my children. Because my children live with their mother, it has been a challenge to involve myself in my children’s education because of the fact that I don’t see my kids on a daily basis. I do however call everyday and I am very aware of their academic progress and their day to day activities. I am a participant, a student, a supporter, and a teacher in their academic program. It has helped that I have been an educator for 30 years and have taught more students, teachers, and parents than I care to mention. But I have come to believe that my success in life will not be based on how well I educated someone else’s children, but how well I educated my own children. Stephen Covey explained in is book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People that a person has to achieve private victory in his life before he can have any form of public victory. In very simple terms I have to see to it that I successfully educate my own children, before I can have a part in the education of someone else’s children. As dads you can initiate or participate in activities that help your children succeed academically. Helping your children learn can increase their success in school. It is extremely important for your children to be independent learners. You want them to develop a hunger for knowledge, and become lifetime learners. The frequency with which you interact in positive ways with your children during the course of your education will reflect your interest in your child’s education and communicate to them the importance of doing well in school.

When your children are young, read to them every single day, even if it is for only 10 or 15 minutes. This will create a love of reading in your children which will help them become good readers. Continue to encourage your children to read as they get older. The key to this though, is that you have to put the time in when they are young reading to them and with them. Your children should also see you reading something everyday, and that can include the newspaper or even the Bible. You cannot just tell your children to read, and never pick up something to read yourself. Children learn by example first. Take your children to the library, and encourage them to take out books. When they have reports, take them to the library to find books they can use for research material rather than letting them find everything they need on the internet.

Establish daily routines with your kids that establish specific times for homework. When your children come home from school, you or your wife should make sure that they sit down at the kitchen or dining room table where you or she can see them so that they can be closely monitored while they are doing their homework. They cannot come home and go right up to their rooms supposedly to do their homework until you have the trust and knowledge that they will actually do this. They also cannot sit down at the TV, or have playdates before their homework is completed. Do not be so concerned about whether or not your children are having fun every second. They need to develop good study habits first, and I’m talking about establishing these when they are in first grade. Once they develop the good habits, you will not have to do much. If they are older at this point, and you haven’t worked on any of this before, then lay down the law now and establish this new routine. If they are older, it’s going to take much more effort on your part to do this. But if you just continue allowing them to do their thing, then I promise you that their success as students will be extremely limited.

Be sure to establish some time to spend with your children where you’re talking and having some fun. As a divorced dad I have to be sure to schedule specific time for my kids to visit my home on school nights. I have not been as successful with this with my oldest daughter Sarah as I would have liked. I think the problem was that I did not insist that she come. If she said she had something else to do, then I went along with that. Now, she’s pretty much in a habit of not coming over. She is almost 17 years old and has a very independent spirit. She is doing very well in high school and chooses to visit my home on a very limited basis. See, I think that’s the problem. I allowed her to choose, starting about when she was about 12 or 13, and parents shouldn’t be allowing their 12 or 13 year olds to choose those types of things. In certain areas, you (or I) should be the boss, and that’s just the way it is. Hopefully, my involvement is going to grow exponentially as she begins to prepare to go to college. But that will come only if I put the pressure on her to spend that time with me. I know she’ll be better off (and so will I) if we spend that time together. We dads just have to be strong and assert ourselves with our kids, which sometimes is really hard to do, if our kids are more assertive than we are. I know one thing for sure, and that is that if I don’t guide her through through her growing pains, then someone else will. This someone else is probably her friends, and I don’t think they have as much wisdom as I do.

My younger daughter Grace is in the 5^th grade and visits me 2-3 days a week. We do homework together. We have dinner and talk about her day, as well as my day. I enjoy sharing stories with her about what I did during the day. She also enjoys hearing stories about my childhood and what my father was like when I was a little boy. We have a great time laughing together, that’s for sure. But I make sure that I sit with Grace at the dining room table basically the whole time she is doing her homework. Neither her mother nor I really helped Grace establish the good study habits she needed when she was in first or second grade (which I spoke about earlier in this article), so now I’m faced with the reality that I have to make sure she establishes good study habits now. My window of opportunity is quickly closing, because once students are 12 or 13 years old, they almost become too old to sit at the table with their parents. But luckily, Grace is still young enough, and I can mold her in this area. As I attempt to take on a greater role as I help Grace with her with any difficulties she has with homework, I have to be sure to be consistent, and do this every single time that Grace is with me. I want Grace to see me as someone who may not always know every answer, but as a person who knows how to discover an answer through diligence and hard work. I know that I am not perfect. I do know this though, every moment that I spend with her while she is acquiring knowledge, and every positive word that I say to her will help her in terms of her feeling good about learning. It will also help me build a stronger relationship with her. Being divorced may not have been the very best thing for my kids, but it has forced me to look at my role as a father and use the time that I spend with them as an opportunity for them to view me as her first and most important teacher.