My daughter Sarah is going through the college application process and I came across this info on collegeboard.com. I think that it is worth a read.

All parents want to aid and protect their children. The best thing we can do for kids, though, is teach them how to help themselves. Read on for ways to help your child develop into a successful adult.

1. Encourage Public Speaking

Taking a speech class or joining the debate team can serve a number of purposes for teens. Developing the ability to stand up in front of a group and make themselves heard is key to boosting kids’ self-esteem as well as their communication skills. Learning the appropriate way to speak to a variety of audiences is also important, as high school students need to know how to address peers, teachers, and employers.

2. Practice Negotiation

High school students are looking for more freedom and independence. Rather than setting all the house rules, have a family planning session for rule setting. By involving kids in determining regulations, parents teach them the invaluable skills of fair compromise and negotiation with authority figures.

3. Model Time Management and Organizational Skills

Children learn from what they see. If parents are late and disorganized, their kids generally follow suit. Post a calendar that highlights individual and group appointments and plans. Use a weekly planner, and make to-do lists. In short, model being organized for your child.

4. Teach Self-Sufficiency

The more kids do for themselves, the more confident they’ll be when it comes to handling themselves in new situations. Show teens how to do laundry. Make them responsible for a family meal each week. Ultimately, this will make them more independent.

5. Encourage Independence at School

Teens need to take responsibility for their academic careers. They should be keeping track of assignments and due dates, communicating independently with counselors and teachers, and participating in the extracurricular activities of their choice. Clearly, parental advice is appropriate at times. However, teens appreciate room to succeed, or to make mistakes, on their own.

6. Listen With an Open Mind

Of course, kids sometimes disagree with their parents. Those who fear disapproval or punishment often hide the truth or avoid discussing important topics. Teens who are confident that they can talk to their parents without a major blow-up are more likely to be forthcoming. In the end, young people who feel good about expressing themselves at home will be more prepared to express themselves in difficult situations.

7. Provide Structure

Although they may bemoan the regulations of life, teens actually function better when rules are in place. Authoritative parents who require adherence to an agreed-upon set of rules, but who also encourage communication and independence, produce happy and successful kids.

8. Remember That Every Story Has Two Sides

When our kids come home with tales of woe, we need to keep in mind that we are hearing only one perspective. Before forming an opinion, get all the facts. Did the teacher really give only one day’s notice for a 10-page essay? Did the coach actually keep your child out of the game for no reason? When teens are frustrated or hurting, they may embellish the truth. Parents who know the facts can effectively help their children learn to respond to disappointing or difficult life scenarios.

9. Teach Self-Respect

When people feel good about themselves, they are able to stand up for themselves, and teenagers are no exception. Focus on helping your child develop good decision-making skills and solid self-esteem. Praise a job well done, and emphasize positive character traits. A confident child will not be afraid to speak up.

10. Teach Logical Conflict Resolution

High schoolers deal with many problems in the social and academic arenas. At a time in life when emotions run high, teens need some help figuring out how to resolve everyday dilemmas. Parents are a great resource for finding alternatives in problematic situations. Encourage and model thinking calmly and critically, so your kids learn to pick the solution that makes the most sense.

Part of being a good parent is knowing when to step in and when to give kids some space. Remember that successful people advocate for themselves. So step back when the time is right, and let your child step up.

I want a car when I have my driver’s license. This is what my daughter Sarah said to me one month before she was scheduled to take her road test to get her drivers license. Wanting to play the hero I took her around to different used car dealerships and hunted for a good used car. I found 1997 or 98 Oldsmobile Regency with 36,000 miles on it. It looked mint. I bought the car and my daughter had a car to drive when she got her license yesterday. She has already hat a flat tire, when we went to change the tire no tools were found in the trunk, the spare was flat, and there was water in the spare tire wheel well. So much for playing hero, the car has to go back. I know that people have trouble with used cars all the time so this really doesn’t surprise me. The mistake that was made was giving in to the emotions of a teenage daughter who wanted a car to drive the day that she got her license. The fact that I am divorced didn’t help because sometimes the guilt of the divorce can be too much for a father to bear.

I am sure that these problems will be taken care of but the headache of dealing with it makes my face go numb from stress. A dad can go from a hero to a heal in one day. A dad can be viewed in one instance as a person who found a good deal on a car to not being thorough enough, being impulsive, and just plain stupid for not checking things out more fully. The car sits now with a tire dealer who will check out the other three tires to see if they are dry rotted.

I made a big mistake. No not by buying the car, but by believing that my daughter needed a car that quick. I love this girl too death, but sometimes decisions have to be made that will cause tears and an attitude that you are not giving me what all my friend’s parents gave them when they were ready to drive. A car is a big ticket item and needs to be shopped for over time with wisdom being used that is based upon fact not on emotion, especially the emotions of a teenage girl.

When I first started talking about the quality of compliance I used the word obedience. I got such a negative reaction from teachers and parents that I had to change the name of the quality from obedience to compliance. It seemed as if obedience was too strong a word and parents and teachers were offended by it. I still don’t think that there is anything wrong with the word obedience. Thirty years ago we demanded obedience from children.  Today we can’t even use the word, and obedience turns out to be the last thing we get from children. Well, what is the definition of compliance? Compliance is when a person does what he is told, when he is told to do it, with a good attitude. And willfulness is the opposite of the character quality of compliance.

Why is it so hard to get children to be compliant with the instructions of an adult? It is the natural tendency of children to want to explore and do things, their natural curiosity is always at work and they believe at a young age that they can do and say just about anything that they want. A parent’s first job is to teach their children the word NO. If children don’t understand what they can and cannot do, and they don’t understand the word NO they will draw the conclusion at a very young age that they can do anything they want. Believe it or not children will draw this conclusion at about the age of two. This is one of the reasons why everyone talks about the terrible two’s. Children are starting to walk and  have a natural curiosity, and want to explore just about everything, like a hot stove, or electric outlets. They want to pull on the dogs ears, or change the channel on the TV set in the middle of a show, or go into the cabinet under the sink and play with the Drano. If children don’t understand the word NO, and more importantly, if they are not corrected for their non-compliance they will begin to believe that there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. Then suddenly mom or dad get to the point that they are fed up with their children’s behavior and they start to take things away, or start to scream the word NO which leads to the child crying and throwing a temper tantrum.

I am not sure where adults got the idea that they can rationalize with a two year old and truly make that child understand their adult reasoning. The truth of the matter is they can’t. But these same children enter pre school and kindergarten and are behavior problems for the teacher from the get go. These children can’t share, stay in their seat, follow directions, or take turns. When they are disciplined for non compliance they scream and carry on like someone is cutting off their right arm. The teacher then begins to believe that there is something medically wrong with these children, like they must have ADHD, or ODD. In reality the children were just never taught the meaning of one little word, NO.

The holidays can be a rough time for a dad especially if he is divorced, it can be a tough time even if you’re married. The economy right now is so horrendous and money is so tight that financial worries can place an unbearable amount of pressure on a family especially during the holiday season. Some families can just about pay their bills. Parents want to make the Easter and Passover season fun for their kids, but unfortunately fun during this time of year means that extra money has to be spent on all kinds of food, clothes, and presents. When a dad just doesn’t have the money he can begin to think that he isn’t doing his job by providing for his family. If a dad is divorced he can be really broke, and he can turn into the bad guy by not being able to provide the little extras that his children are looking for during the holiday season.

 As a dad myself I want to provide those extras but really what I really want is I just want my kids to be with me. Well, my kids are with me right now. My younger daughter Grace is sleeping and my oldest daughter Sarah will be here later this morning. My oldest daughter just found a job. She is 17 and was dying to work in order to make extra money. She got hired on Friday at a pizza parlor and she couldn’t be happier. Friday was Good Friday; well it really was a Good Friday. Today is going to be a good Sunday too. This week is going to be a good week, and March is going to be a good month.

 You see I can’t cry in my beer, not anymore. There are too many good things that are happening to me right now. Oh, there will be some not so good things that will happen to me in the future I’m sure, but in reality the good will out weigh the bad. I just have to convince myself of it, and thank God for what I do have, and for the blessings that he has bestowed on me and my family. So on this Easter Sunday my kids are with me and life is good.

March 3, 2008

 Dear Grace:

 I am sorry that I have been such a poor example to you recently. I have made a few mistakes and I am asking for your forgiveness. I have already spoken to you and I do know that you forgive me, but I want to write this down so I don’t forget. What you think of me means everything and I don’t want you to have a bad opinion of me. Some of the mistakes that I have made I am even too embarrassed to write about and wouldn’t want the readers of this letter to think badly of me, that’s how serious I am about my own behavior.

 I want you to be proud of me as your dad, and I will see to it that you are by the changes that I will make in my own behavior. As time goes on I want us to experience mutual pride for each other, and I believe that we will both learn from one another. I want you to tell me when I am doing something, that bothers you and I will do my best to stop doing it. You can bet that I will tell you, that to me what this relationship is all about. I have said it before, and I will say it again; you are my best friend.

I Love You Dad

March 3, 2008

Dear Sarah:

I am sorry for all the trouble that you have had in school this past week I know things must have been awfully tough on you. I am glad that you called me up on Friday to get you out of school. I wouldn’t want you to be in an uncomfortable situation. I certainly wouldn’t want you to get into a fight or get hurt. I need you to really understand how much you are loved, by me and by your mother. We both love who you  as a person and want the very best for you. Your problem came in when you started kissing a boy at a party about a month ago, not knowing that the boy was dating another girl. I know that if you had all the facts you wouldn’t have done that, but that’s hard to explain to someone who is so angry that all they want to do is beat you up. Understand something, love can never wait to give, and lust can never wait to get. The appealing emotions that occur when you are physically involved with someone are very fleeting and they are just not worth experiencing. I really want you to learn from this experience. Life can be kind to us at times, but it also can be very cruel. Sometimes we can do something that produces life long consequences. Some decisions in life that we make don’t allow us to have a second chance. I love who you are very much. Please start using your head, and don’t place yourself in a compromising situation like this again.

I Love You

Dad

It’s really a great thing when our kids get older, I mean like 14-18, they have a sense of independence and are quite self sufficient. They start driving at 17 years old and can now get themselves where they want to go, they can hold down a part time job, and can be trusted to baby sit their younger siblings. As a parent we have to be cautious though because they still need supervision. Teenagers haven’t lived long enough to realize the dangers of certain activities and they lack a character quality that may only develop over a period of many years, and that’s self-control. To be quite honest there are some adults who don’t posses this quality and experience difficulty in this area their whole life. A person just has to look around in society to discover the number of marriages that have been wrecked by affairs or alcoholism.

 Teenagers left to themselves without the proper guidance, supervision, and instruction from a parent will develop the urge to experience the whole sex, drugs, and rock and roll scene and will have to taste the garbage to find out that they don’t like it. Parents want to trust their children and believe that when they tell their son or daughter not to have parties in the house when I’m not there, that their son or daughter will abide by their wishes. I hate to be a pessimist, but most times the desire is too strong, for the teenager to resist, and the partying begins as soon as the parent pulls out of the driveway.

 Just like teenagers still need our advice and guidance, they still need our supervision. Society believes that smart people learn from their mistakes. I believe that smart people learn from someone else’s mistakes. Take it from me teenagers can’t control themselves and need parental supervision. We like to believe that they are all grown up at 17, that’s when they need our presence the most.

There are laws for everything. The police and the courts do their best to enforce the laws of a town, a city, or even the country. Laws are designed to protect innocent people, and make sure that everything runs smoothly, and to keep people safe. School children learn quickly what the laws (rules) are in their school. When students break the rules of the school they are usually sent down to the vice-principal’s office to be disciplined. But, in order for rules to be effective they have to be enforced. Too often kids are given the idea that their behavior isn’t all that bad, by the school administration, or their teacher. They are given a slap on the wrist and told to go back to class. Or, they may not have to face any consequences at all. Occasionally, if a student’s behavior gets out of control and affects the safety of other kids, the police have to get involved. The rule of thumb should be that what is illegal in society is illegal in schools. If a student truly is disorderly, the police should be called and the student should be charged as a disorderly person. If a student is involved in a theft, the police should be called in and the student should be charged based upon the offense. Kids need to see the association between their behavior in school, and their behavior in society. If there is no association, a student will break rules in school because there aren’t serious consequences, and then when the student is out of school, he will break those same rules or laws because he believes he can get away with it.

One problem that is getting out of control in schools and in society today is bullying. And although many schools have anti-bullying policies and supposedly a “0 tolerance” for bullying, bullying incidents are rampant and on the rise. This is exactly why we need to have anti-bullying laws nationwide. Bullying is not illegal, and realistically it should be. The only thing that a person has to do is to look at a police blotter to find out how many incidences of domestic violence went on in the town they live in to understand why we need anti bullying laws. Do you think a grown man or woman woke up one day and decided to abuse his or her spouse or his or her children? It is behavior that has been brewing in the person’s mind for years, and it is behavior that they have been allowed to get away with for years. Violent crimes like assault with a deadly weapon, school shootings, road rage, and rape are all acts of bullying that have just been brought to a higher level.

Unfortunately, schools have soft pedaled around this problem, and do not take a hard enough stance when it comes down to imposing consequences for bullying behavior. That slap on the wrist communicates to students that what they did wasn’t so bad, and it’s worth a shot to try it again. If anti-bullying laws were created and enforced these bullies would have to deal with the police for their behavior. The student would be charged as a bully and held accountable. As mentioned before, our schools today do have policies that address the problem, but the policies are usually not enforced. Too much time is spent trying to involve parents, who could be bullies themselves. Often when parents of bullies are contacted, they become so argumentative and miserable that school guidance counselors or administrators will do anything to avoid having to confront the parents with their children’s bullying behaviors in the first place. Bullying incidents then get swept under the rug. Another common response to bullying is for parents of the bully and the victim to meet face to face to supposedly address the problem. This usually accomplishes nothing, except to make the victim or the victim’s parents feel even worse. There should be absolute laws that make bullying illegal. Nothing short of having anti-bullying laws that are enforced will do anything to reduce bullying in our schools. Only then, with the enforcement of anti-bullying laws and real consequences for breaking the laws, will this rising tide of bullying be stemmed.

February 8, 2008

Dear Grace:

Has another month gone by already? It sure has and I wanted to let you know that I am standing in your corner with you always. You are special and I mean special. You have such an interest in the things that I do it makes me feel like what I do is important. You come over an spend time with me and always allow me to take care of anything that I have to do, because you believe that it is important to me. You show me such patience. You seem to be telling me that if it is important to me it’s important to you. I really enjoyed working on that history project with you, and Sarah was a big help too wasn’t she? She really loves you and I am thrilled to death watching the two of you grow up together. Both of us have to realize how much we need each other. You really helped me in the car this morning when I was driving you to school, and you reminded me not to finish the bagel. We both need help with our diets, and you are an encouragement to me. I really don’t know what I would ever do without you. Soon soccer season will start and you will be running up and down the field, I really can’t wait to watch again. I love you, I love you.

Love Again

Dad

February 4, 2007

 Dear Sarah:

 I can’t tell you enough how my conversations with you recently have made me feel. Just the fact that you confide in me and want my advice is something that makes me realize that maybe, just maybe I have done a few things right. You know better than I do what seems to affect you, but when you share information with me like you did the other night I realized how much we need each other. I am usually asleep in the chair by 10:00 pm; I was up with you until 3:00 am just talking. There is no doubt that you are the only person that I could be with that keeps me from falling asleep. I should say you and Grace, because she has this ability also, but right now I am writing to you. I love you and everything about you. Please don’t ever forget it.

Love

 
Dad