Get Your Bullying Report Online Right Now!

Many years ago when my oldest daughter Sarah was about 4 years old a good friend of mine told me that girls were easier to raise than boys. I don’t have any boys and my daughter is now 17 and I am not so sure that this statement is all true. One thing I do know is that I hate to see my daughter upset. I don’t mean mildly upset, that just goes with being a teenager, but upset to the point of tears. This happened to me the other night when I was in the car with Sarah and she received a text message from one of her friends. The text message said that this friend wanted to talk to her about something. Sarah couldn’t get in touch with the girl that sent the text message so she called another one of the girls in their group of friends. She has been friends with 4 girls for about the last two years. These girls do everything together. Hang out mostly as Sarah calls it. They go to parties together, study together, drive to school together, and yes, they get into trouble once in a while together.

When Sarah called one of the girls up the girl told her that all four girls were upset with her because they were starting to view her as being selfish, and annoying. My daughter was blindsided by this information and really didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what they were talking about. I asked her if she thought this information was true. She told me no. I then asked her if she thought she might have a couple of blind spots and the girls were possibly seeing something in her that she just didn’t see in herself. She said no, and I must say she did a pretty convincing job backing up what she told me. The question is this; how do you as a dad offer a teenage daughter advice in situations like these? I am no expert but, I believe that I did a pretty good job of helping her based upon the outcome.

Teenage girls always seem to like to be connected to some group outside their family. Teenage boys like the connection also, but a boy’s connection is usually with some type of sports team, or club. Girls like to be connected to each other. The longer this connection lasts the greater the chance that their weaknesses will be exposed, and for sure they will start engaging in rumors, and gossiping about one another. Girls also tend to become more jealous in these relationships if a boy becomes involved in this mix, and is dating one of the girls. Once one of the girls has an opinion about someone else in their group they will bend over backward to try and convince the other members of the group that it is true. They will even search for the evidence to prove their point. This behavior becomes crushing and emotionally painful to the girl who is being ganged up on, as was the case with my daughter.

What can you do when your daughter confides in you enough to tell you what is going on? First, listen, and I mean listen well. Find out all the facts and please don’t react or condemn your daughter. Don’t say to her you better change your ways. If you are condemning her it’s a good chance that that’s the reason why she looking for connections to other people outside the family. The next thing is to love her to death with your actions and words. My comment to my daughter was, I like everything about you. I like how you talk and I like how you act. Help her understand that you are her biggest fan. Let her know that she doesn’t have to apologize for something that she truly believes she is not guilty of. I mean are these girls the only one with an opinion? Of course if she feels as if she has done something to offend someone realize the mistake, apologize, and move on.

Tell your daughter that long term relationships give everyone an opportunity to show their true colors. These relationships may be nice at first, but the longer that a person is in them the greater the chance that the true character of someone will pop up. That’s when a person has to decide if they want to stay friends with someone who is not a very loyal friend. Tell your daughter to stand tall, hold her head up, and don’t let them see you cry, and that you will be there to help her do all of these.

Adolescent relationships are a growth process. There is pain that can come from being hurt by a so called friend. Guess what by the time your daughter is 22 she will have the savvy to manage this type of crap and she won’t be emotionally immature when it comes down to relationships. All friendships are not intimate, and by that I mean a relationship that involves a person’s heart, mind, and soul. The relationships that your daughter has with someone in high school might be viewed by her as intimate, but it’s probably not as close as she thinks that it is. Relationships have a continuum that go from, acquaintance, friend, close friend, and then intimate friend. An intimate friend is usually someone that is a life long friend that can celebrate with you when your happy, support you when you are sad, and really love you for who you are.

By the way after I offered my daughter some of my wisdom, which took me two days to do, she said to me “I really love you dad,” and she was happier than I have seen her in a long while. When I was alone, I cried, yes I cried again. I am such a big baby.

If you have ever been under pressure on the job, or financially you know how this can affect your mood and ultimately your relationship with your children. Children love to play guessing games, but they don’t like to play the game if they have to guess the mood that you are in that day. Our emotional state can determine the climate of our home and have either a positive or negative impact on our interaction with our children. Our children are absolutely watching us and are learning how to cope with life based upon the emotional model that we give them. Mood swings, angry outbursts, and depression are all too real for a dad and are very real for a divorced dad who is trying to live a reasonable life style himself, pay child support, deal with his ex wife, and maintain a good relationship with his children. Trying to keep your emotional index balanced is something that needs to be worked on a daily basis.

Historically men have been taught that they shouldn’t show their emotions. That doesn’t mean that they don’t have emotions, these emotions just go somewhere else. A man might withdraw, be short tempered, get physical with his kids, or even drink when he’s under pressure. Their kids see this and start to walk around on egg shells wondering what to say and how to act. The children get confused and begin to feel insecure when their dad is around. They almost live in fear. They want to please their dad but really don’t know how because he is so inconsistent emotionally.

I experienced this first hand with my dad who was a drinker. My dad wasn’t a daily drinker but more of a binge drinker who would disappear from time to time to go off on one of his benders. I never wanted to upset him because I didn’t want to feel responsible for his drinking. I always watched what I did and said because I never wanted to be the cause of him leaving. If he did go off and drink I would wonder what I or another family member did that set him off. Young children often don’t know why their dad is in a bad mood. The horror of it all is that children will blame themselves for the mood that their dad is in.

As fathers we have to commit ourselves to being emotionally balanced. That doesn’t mean that things aren’t going to upset us, it means that we are going to be aware of what is upsetting us. If work is the problem or if finances are the problem then we need to focus on the solution and take the steps that are necessary to solve the problem. We can’t allow our emotions to interfere with the most important relationship we will ever have in our lives, and that’s with our children.

How to Feel Better During the Holidays - Feeling depressed is normal - What to do about the Holiday Blues 

I don’t think I will ever forget my first Christmas when I was separated from my ex wife and was without my kids. It was many years ago, but all I have to do is think of that day and I get sick and depressed. I saw my kids on Christmas at their house. They had plans with their mother so I gave them their presents and then I had to leave. The pain of leaving on that day was excruciating for me emotionally. I didn’t even know where I was going to go. I stopped by a good friend’s house and spent an hour or two with him and his family and then had dinner in a Chinese restaurant around 4:00 pm. I really couldn’t wait for the day to end.

The holiday season for a newly divorced dad can be a real time of sadness. What once was is no longer. We don’t wake up in the morning to the sound of the kid’s voices on Christmas day.  We wake up and the chances are its pretty quiet where we are.  It is a quiet that we can’t seem to get used to.   There is an empty feeling inside of us and we really don’t know how to fill the void. It has been said that time heals all wounds. That is true for some people, but sometimes tremendous losses take a lifetime to heal if they heal at all. Divorce can be like death. The only difference is death is final. A person who is divorced knows that the person that he/she was once married to still walks the earth. They see this person from time to time, and if they still care for the person the reminder can be too much to bear. Divorce can produce guilt, shame, heartache, depression, regret, and anger. When the holiday season starts all of these feelings seem to come crashing down on us at once. Christmas is particularly difficult because it is so festive, and it seems like everyone is having a good time except us.

The Christmas holiday can cause us as divorced dads to focus on ourselves instead of others. We can become so depressed that we obsess about the past and dwell on what once was. These emotions can be so devastating that they permeate other areas of our life, like our job, our health, our attitude about living, and it can impact the relationship that means the most to us and that’s the relationship that we have with our children.

That first Christmas for me without my children was crushing emotionally. I realized that I couldn’t bear it again. I also realized that I didn’t have the luxury of being depressed. As a dad I realized that my kids still count on me. That first Christmas was seven years ago, I vowed on that day that my kids would be with me on Christmas day. I didn’t own a home until the fifth Christmas after my divorce. I worked to be sure that the holiday for me and my children would be as festive as I could possibly make it. I made sure that I arranged my bills so buying gifts for my kids would not be a problem. I decorated my house, and made it look like Christmas when my kids came over. The biggest thing that helped me during those very depressing times was God. I heard God say to me on more than one occasion, “Jim, this goes with the territory, and I am putting you are in charge of this territory. I am here to help you but ultimately you have to take the responsibility to make sure that you don’t suffer again. I love you Jim and I don’t want you to suffer.” As a divorced dads on Christmas we are going to have our ups and downs. Only we can decide how many of each we are going to have. Just remember we have plenty of help.