I worked all weekend in North Jersey. By the time I was done working I was exhausted and didn’t really feel like myself. I was supposed to pick up my daughter Grace at 5:30 in the afternoon. I had to call her and tell her that I just couldn’t make it. She was so understanding that it stooped any guilty feelings that I was experiencing from just thinking that I didn’t want to make the trip 30 miles further south on the Garden State Parkway. My oldest daughter Sarah is usually involved with her friends and I talk with her about three times per week. Rarely do I get a call from her, I usually call her. About 7:30 at night I had already dozed off in my easy chair. I was woken by the ringing of the phone. It was Sarah. I must say that I was happy to hear from her but usually when I do there is a problem. When I answered the phone she didn’t have a problem but was she concerned about how I felt. We ended up in a conversation for about 1 hour, and spoke about all kinds of stuff. By the time I got off the phone I was wide awake, and wasn’t even thinking about feeling lousy. It was a case for me where one phone call did the trick.

I love my children, whether I hear from them or not. I know that they have activities that they are involved in and whether I was divorced or not they would be caught up in their own lives, and would be having fun with their friends. The topic of my conversation with Sarah didn’t really matter; it was the fact that she made the decision to call me that did. She also told me how much she loved me. I told her that this conversation would energize me for the next three days. I need to hear these things from my children. It makes me feel like I did something right. God knows that after a divorce I can certainly feel like I did many things wrong.

It doesn’t matter what your age is, if your parents are alive do yourself and them a favor, call them up and just let them know that you love them. For some reason parents will always question how well they did raising their kids. Usually guilt is something that they are plagued with because they just wish that they had done a better job. Ease their pain a little, because it could be that one phone call will do the trick.

January 3, 2008

Dear Grace:

Well, another year has gone by and I feel closer to you than I ever have before. I’ve told you before but, I’m going to tell you again, we are truly best friends. I love picking you up and spending time with you. You are so much fun to be with. I know that you like the stories I tell you. You are such a good writer that one of these days you and I are going to write a book together. We will include in there all the stories that I told you about my childhood, and then we’re going to write about all the good time that you and I have had together. The most incredible thing about you is how you accept me for whom and what I am. I’m not perfect, but who is. You just love me and that I will never forget.

Soccer season will be here soon. I don’t know if you are going to want to play soccer or baseball. It doesn’t matter. You are so athletic that you will be good at anything. I can’t wait until I can go to your games again, it was so much fun for me. I am so proud of how you adjusted to your new school, and how you worked so hard in all your subjects especially math. I am proud of you period and I am sooooo happy that God gave you to me as a daughter. I love you.

Dad

January 2, 2008

Dear Sarah:

 It feels strange writing to you. I usually talk to you quite a bit, but at times I feel like you need to know how I’m doing and what is on my mind. I look forward to the New Year, and I’m sure you are also. It’s really only two short months of winter before the weather starts to change and you will be getting ready for the summer, friends, tanning, and the beach. I will be speaking to your guidance counselor at school within the next week to help you get organized for the SAT’s which will be coming up in April. You are so smart. I could never have taken the classes you are taking when I was in high school. I guess you got your brains from mom’s side of the family. I admire your intelligence and the diligent attitude you have when it comes down to your school work. I can’t help you academically but, I want you to know that I will always be by your side, helping you with the challenges that you will face as you grow older and enter your senior year in high school.

You will be driving in the next few months, something that I just can’t believe. 17 years goes by pretty fast. I can manage change better now than I could when I was younger I have to accept the fact you are growing physically and mentally and changing right before my eyes. I look forward to you and I working on life together as a team. I never really had friends when I was younger, but that’s okay. The guys and gals I hung around with in high school were fleeting acquaintances, I now think of you my best friend.

I love you.

Dad

I love falling asleep in my easy chair. The problem is I fall asleep and wake up at 2:00 am and can’t fall back to sleep. I then usually spend time writing or working on the computer. I stay awake all day long working, and being retired I take a nap in the afternoon. My daughter Grace was with me last night and we were watching television. I kept dozing off in the chair, like I usually do. Grace kept screaming at me telling me to wake up. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I finally stood up to help me stay awake so I could keep watching TV with her. Grace loves spending time with me, she does however want me to be awake and alert and laughing and talking with her.

Too often we are with our kids physically, but not mentally and emotionally. We are preoccupied with life and can become lost in our own stressful world. I do give my kids time physically, but too often I am only there physically. My kids need me mentally, and emotionally as well. Sometimes I am awake physically, but not mentally, and emotionally awake to the needs of my children. So the challenge that I have for the New Year is to listen to Grace more when she screams at me, WAKE UP DAD.

Principles of Spiritual Maturity

I first published this article on my blog at behavioral-management.com. I think it’s worth looking at again since we are talking about staying balanced. It’s also good to look at this and consider where we are in this area for the New Year.

Going to a Catholic Church and to a Catholic School were all an important part of my up bringing. My parents raised me as a Catholic and we went to church every Sunday. It didn’t matter if my parents had a brawl the night before, or even if they had a brawl on Sunday morning before church. We all got dressed up and walked over to St. Joseph Church like one happy family. I did learn something. I learned to believe in God, and all of the tenants of the Catholic faith. I learned what the Catholic Church called sin. The venial sins were the small ones, and the mortal sins were the big ones. I grew up believing that when God created Adam and Eve they were created as Catholics. I had a deep respect and still do for nuns and priests I watched as the nuns stopped wearing their traditional habits that all nuns wore at the time and tried to see how far above their knee they could wear their dresses. I know that the priests enjoyed watching this contest. I also had a great time talking to all the priests in school, in the community and in my fathers bar. Two of the priests were my father’s drinking buddies. They also attended AA meetings with my father. I received communion, got confirmed, went to confession, and then graduated from the eighth grade. That was the end of my religious experience.

My parents did what they could to provide a religious experience for me. The thing that they didn’t do was provide a spiritual experience. The religious experience that I had was one where I participated in the traditions of the Catholic Church. Most of the time I didn’t know why I did what I did; I just did it. The participation was confined to Sunday morning, and it didn’t really matter what happened during the other six days. I was never taught how to take the teachings of the faith and develop a set of spiritual principles that would become my value system as I grew older. I never really matured spiritually.

People usually turn to God for help when their foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them. Sometimes God needs to do things to us to get our attention. The spiritually mature person doesn’t have to turn to God when things get tough, because they believe God is standing right next to them. They don’t scream Oh God, when they are fearful of life, they only have to whisper and they have the faith that He hears their words. Why do some people have this ability to be at peace even in the face of adversity, and tragedy? I don’t believe that spiritual maturity is something that just happens. A person doesn’t wake up one morning and find themselves with a renewed outlook on life. It is something that has to be cultivated from the bottom up. The roots have to be developed and then a person will begin to see the flowers. In my case I didn’t start this process until I was 30 years old. From the time I was about 17 years old I never could figure out what I believed in. I believed there was a God, but I didn’t have a value system or a commitment to any source that would help to inspire, or uplift me on a regular basis. Whenever a wave of life would hit me I would reach into the chambers of my soul and discover that there wasn’t anything there that I could use to help me deal with life’s problems. I never made the connection between spiritual maturity and overall maturity as a person. A spiritually mature person knows how to take the spiritual dimension and apply the principles of their belief system to their life on a daily basis. I have always enjoyed The Serenity Prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” In order for me to accept things and to develop wisdom I needed to plug into source to draw from and to gain daily inspiration. I found that the daily reading of the scriptures helped me gain insights into the battles of life and offered answers to questions that I otherwise never would have been able to come up with on my own. I would discover verses in scripture that I would meditate on and make them part of my prayer and thought life. The evangelist Martin Luther once said, “I have so much to do today, that I will have to spend two hours praying instead of one.” Scripture reading and prayer became a source for me to draw energy from, attain wisdom from, and to get the daily emotional strength I needed to manage my day.

Many people gain energy and insights from other areas. Inspirational literature, walks in the park, or even melodious music can inspire some. A fundamental belief system that gives a person a path to follow and that can make them almost unflappable and have inner peace is very private and very different for each person. There are certain core principles that spiritually mature people have adopted as a part of life. These principles are in the silent chambers of a person’s heart, and I believe that they are universal to everyone. When the ground starts to quake a person who has a strong core understands the reason for the earth quake and has the confidence that there is a way out.

Self Acceptance

Spiritually mature people have learned how to like themselves and value the differences in themselves. They have an understanding that they were created in a unique way. They don’t wish for what they don’t have, and are grateful for the things that they do have. As a young man I often wondered why I had the parents I had. I often wished that they were different and even sometimes wished that I had a different set of parents. I often wondered why I was stuck with two sisters, and didn’t have a brother. Sometimes I thought about how I wished I was taller, had bigger bones, and was smarter. When I was about 30, I came to grips with the fact that some things in life are unchangeable. When my own children start to complain about me or their mother I usually say to them, “Sorry we’re the only game in town; you can’t trade us in for another set.”

Spiritually mature people accept who they are. They realize that they wouldn’t be on this earth if their parents didn’t bring them into the world, and they accept their individual features that make them who they are.

The Balance of Power

Spiritually mature people understand the balance of power. In other words they know who is in charge and why certain people are in charge. I heard a great talk on leadership once at an administrator’s conference in Washington, DC. The speaker made a statement that really stuck with me. His statement was, “In order to be a good leader you have to be a good follower first.” Spiritually mature people know how to follow orders and work in any system without moaning and groaning, and don’t making statements like, “Why do we have to do this?” or better yet, “Why is he/she doing this?” They also don’t talk about their bosses behind their back. It is human nature to wonder why someone is doing something. Spiritually mature people know how to go to their boss and discuss things face to face.

Why do spiritually mature people have this ability? I believe it’s because they really know who is in absolute charge, and that’s God. They know that God has placed this person in charge of them for a reason, and if they have a problem with their boss they might as well have a problem with God, and they don’t want to take that chance. They have learned how to separate the person from the position. They respect their boss’s position, but in their heart they know that they don’t always have to like who he/she is as a person. They know that God will honor their compliance, loyalty, and respect for the person in charge and they believe that they will be blessed beyond measure for being a good employee.

Spiritually Mature People Can Forgive Others

Spiritually Mature people know how to forgive others. I battle this all the time. I know in my heart that I have to forgive others. I know that it is not good to hold a grudge. I say to myself you have to forgive, for your own good, you have to forgive. My problem comes in when I can’t forget. The longer I dwell on someone or something the angrier I become and ultimately I become bitter. This bitterness affects me and those around me. I will admit that this feeling can consume me at times. I might even look to get even with the person who I feel wronged me. Sometimes when I sleep I am told that I make statement like, “wait until you see what I’m going to do to these people.” Forgiveness is a sign of spiritual maturity. Lack of forgiveness can paralyze a person causing obsessive thoughts that impact a person’s ability to function on a day to day basis.

Spiritually mature people know that the object of their bitterness will be dealt with by God. They know how to forgive and forget. Sometimes they not only forget but they work to restore the relationship between themselves and others. They don’t allow themselves to fall into the trap of unforgiveness for a minute because they know that it is something that could impact them for a lifetime.

If you have ever been under pressure on the job, or financially you know how this can affect your mood and ultimately your relationship with your children. Children love to play guessing games, but they don’t like to play the game if they have to guess the mood that you are in that day. Our emotional state can determine the climate of our home and have either a positive or negative impact on our interaction with our children. Our children are absolutely watching us and are learning how to cope with life based upon the emotional model that we give them. Mood swings, angry outbursts, and depression are all too real for a dad and are very real for a divorced dad who is trying to live a reasonable life style himself, pay child support, deal with his ex wife, and maintain a good relationship with his children. Trying to keep your emotional index balanced is something that needs to be worked on a daily basis.

Historically men have been taught that they shouldn’t show their emotions. That doesn’t mean that they don’t have emotions, these emotions just go somewhere else. A man might withdraw, be short tempered, get physical with his kids, or even drink when he’s under pressure. Their kids see this and start to walk around on egg shells wondering what to say and how to act. The children get confused and begin to feel insecure when their dad is around. They almost live in fear. They want to please their dad but really don’t know how because he is so inconsistent emotionally.

I experienced this first hand with my dad who was a drinker. My dad wasn’t a daily drinker but more of a binge drinker who would disappear from time to time to go off on one of his benders. I never wanted to upset him because I didn’t want to feel responsible for his drinking. I always watched what I did and said because I never wanted to be the cause of him leaving. If he did go off and drink I would wonder what I or another family member did that set him off. Young children often don’t know why their dad is in a bad mood. The horror of it all is that children will blame themselves for the mood that their dad is in.

As fathers we have to commit ourselves to being emotionally balanced. That doesn’t mean that things aren’t going to upset us, it means that we are going to be aware of what is upsetting us. If work is the problem or if finances are the problem then we need to focus on the solution and take the steps that are necessary to solve the problem. We can’t allow our emotions to interfere with the most important relationship we will ever have in our lives, and that’s with our children.

As parents we are always concerned about how our child is doing in school. If our child comes home and has bad grades, or if we get a call from the teacher with a report that our child is not working up to his/her potential we get worried and we get concerned. We might start to sit with him/her and do homework, or help our child study for tests and quizzes. We place a high priority on our child’s education, and we should. The problem comes in when we start to see some progress and we turn down the pressure, and our child falls right back into the old habits again. As a dad I am not very different, really. Once I am not under pressure to do something, I usually don’t do it either. If I don’t have to learn something, the chances are I am not going to take the time to learn it. Usually when I have a problem I do some reading and research to try and find out the best way to manage, but if I didn’t have the problem I probably wouldn’t even bother to study the topic.
I was sitting with my daughter Grace one evening; we were doing her math homework. She’s in the 5th grade. I am a retired teacher and administrator. I had all kinds of problems understanding the work that she was doing. I was almost embarrassed by my inability to help her. Oh, I can add, subtract, multiply, and divide, but what she was doing had me at a loss. I almost felt like I had to go to school with Grace and sit in her class in order to learn this stuff myself. I had to call my friend Judy and have her explain to me how to solve some of the math problems.
There will come a time when I won’t be able to help Grace with her work because the work that she will be doing will be way over my head. My daughter Sarah is all advanced placement and honors classes in high school. I definitely can’t help her with her work. Sarah has developed the study habits that are necessary in order to do the work independent of me. Grace needs to develop the same study habits, and academic work ethic to be able to work independently.
I need to see to it that Grace develops into an independent learner. She definitely is bright enough to be a successful student. I’m concerned right now because I really don’t see Grace that interested in learning or reading. I think I need to make some changes myself. Grace needs to view me as person who wants to stay sharp mentally. I need to be more of a model for Grace. I need to read more and develop reading as a daily habit. I need to place the same priority on my own education. I want both Grace and Sarah to view education as a part of life and not just something that occurs when they are in school. As a dad I really am my children’s first teacher. The best way for them to learn from me is for them to se me as a student. I need to stay sharp and balanced mentally and model for them the type of student I want them to become.

With the holidays right around the corner it is real easy to get out of whack. If you guys have been listening to blogtalkradio you know that I just did a five part series on having a balanced life. I took this information from Stephen Covey’s book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Covey speaks in his books about the four dimensions of life, physical, mental, social/emotional, and spiritual and how important it is to stay balanced in all four areas. I am not a nutritionist or a personal trainer but I do know that the first dimension is real important for me. The minute I start to eat wrong and neglect an exercise program my blood pressure goes up along with my weight. At 53 years old this is not something that is good for me or my kids.

There are so many diet and exercise programs out there that it can become overwhelming sometimes to try and figure out which one is best for you. Often when we think of exercise we think of the cost of joining a gym, and rearranging our life in order to fit it in to our schedule. I have discovered that that’s not the case at all. After a lot of trial and error I have found that a brisk walk three time a week along with a little strength training helps keep my weight down and provides me with the extra energy to devote to the things that are the most important to me and that’s my kids.

As far as diet goes, I try to watch my sugar and starch intake and eat a little more protein. I fall of the wagon all the time, but at least I am aware of what I need to do in order to get back in shape. It is a struggle, but it is not as bad as you might think. With a few minor adjustments you will be able to stay with it, and that’s a good thing. Your kids need you around. Stay in shape and let your kids know that you are not only doing it for yourself, but also for them as well.

From the time I was 19 years old I used to wonder if I were to die tomorrow, what would people say about me at my funeral. How would I be eulogized and more importantly who would want to eulogize me? Who would be the people that would have something to say about me? I’ve been to enough funerals to know that people don’t disrespect the dead by saying negative things about the person in the coffin. Unless of course, you have an ex wife/husband who hates your guts. People say things like, “He was a great guy,” or people reminisce about the good times that they had with the person, or they talk about a contribution that the person made to their life. I usually get a kick out of the folks who comment about what a great job the undertaker did embalming the body. I’ve heard things like, “Boy does he look great, doesn’t he look like himself.”

One thing is for sure and that is life is short and death is certain. Life is so short that I am sure that people wish that they had said some of the things about the dead person to the person when he was alive. Unfortunately that’s not the case. All too often we wait so long to express how we really feel about a person, and then it becomes too long because the person dies. This is one instance where saving the best for last just doesn’t work.

As a father of two daughters I have been told by them that they believe that I am going to be around for a long time. That really is just their way of saying take care of yourself dad, because we want and need you to be around. I don’t think that they will get caught up in how I died but more importantly they will think about how I lived and especially how I treated them. I have asked myself on more than one occasion, what would I want my daughters Sarah and Grace to say about me at my funeral. One thing always seems to come to mind. I would want them to remember me for being kind and loving in all that I did. I want to be remembered for not just saying that I loved them but for expressing my love in how I treated them.

There are other people too who have been in my life, Judy my long time companion, my two sisters, and two brother-in-laws. As I thought about what I would want them to say the same thing came to mind. “Jim was a kind and loving brother. “Oh, I’m sure they will say other things, but to me that’s just window dressing.

As a retired teacher and even as a principal I am sure that some will find out that I kicked the bucket and make a decision to come and pay their respects. I am sure that they will say one or two nice things about me. But I don’t think they’re going to say that Jim was kind and loving in all that he did. If I could turn back the clock and I had another shot at being a kinder person to the people that I worked with, I would. I am sure that I made some enemies when I worked as a school administrator. If I had been kind and compassionate during those years, I wouldn’t have any enemies.

But I’m not dead, and believe you me I hope my kids are correct in their prophesy, that I am going to be around for a long time. I still have time to make sure that my kids have only the best things to say about me when I do kick the bucket, and that’s a real comforting thought. I still can be kind and loving. I still can say I’m sorry if I wasn’t kind or loving enough. Why is being kind and loving the thing I want to be remembered for? Well, I have had enough arguments in my life, and being kind and loving is not something that anyone can argue with.

No I’m not remarried. Based upon my past history I may never get married again. That is not a knock on my Judy who is the most wonderful, beautiful, understanding and compassionate woman I have ever been with. Both of us have children who we love like there is no tomorrow. She has two boys and a girl, I have two girls. Judy’s daughter Randi is married and is pregnant and working on a family of her own. Her other two boys are 22 and 19. Danny still lives at home, and Ben is a freshman at Dartmouth. Yeah, Ivy league. I have two daughters, Sarah and Grace who both live with their mother. Sarah is almost 17 and Grace is 11. Christmas has become a wonderful time for me. It wasn’t always that way, but it is now. I love spending Christmas day with my kids, exchanging gifts and enjoying a wonderful Christmas meal that Judy always prepares. By the way Judy is Jewish so before she met me Christmas day meant a trip to the movies and a Chinese restaurant. Because she loves me and my children so much she makes Christmas at my house festive, joyful and a lot of fun for everybody.

The problems comes in when I have to wrangle with my ex wife during the holiday season. I usually have the kids on Christmas, but because she really wants them she can have a tendency to make life less festive. She does have the kids on Christmas Eve, when they have dinner at their aunts’ house. My kids love coming to my house on Christmas because they are the center of attention and receive their presents. It is an absolute blast for me to give them their gifts and see their eyes light up. The tension though of dealing with my ex wife can dampen their spirit and sometime mine, if I let it.

Now, some dads may be remarried, have kids from a previous marriage, have kids from their present marriage and have something called a blended family. Managing that crowd of people during the holidays may be something that you have to start preparing for right after the New Year. But, maybe not if you just make a few adjustments in your thinking as you deal with this complicated mess.

The thing I want most during the holiday season is peace. I don’t want arguments during the year and I sure don’t want them now. I can’t control my ex wife’s thought process, my God that would require a slide rule, but I can develop my own perspective on the situation. During the Thanksgiving holiday I had my Thanksgiving dinner on the Friday after Thanksgiving. My kids were with their mother on Thanksgiving day and it made it easier to manage everyone’s schedule by having dinner the day after Thanksgiving. If Christmas is going to become the same type of problem for you, try to understand that you may have to break from tradition and celebrate Christmas the day before or the day after. Believe me you will have a better time and there will be far less tension, and running around.

The world is not a perfect place. The Christmas season can make us more aware of that then any other time. Small things can become big things if we let them. Let negative comments go and focus on the kids and what you can do for them. Try to avoid financial arguments that seem to always come up during the holidays. Do your best to discuss things in a calm manner and let go of the small stuff. Money always seems to be a problem for my ex wife, not because of my lack of giving, but because of her distaste for working. Gift giving has always been my self imposed responsibility. Having different expectations of her during the holidays will only make me angry and destroy the joy that I have in giving to my kids.

Lastly, no matter how small your holiday celebration might be don’t make it a downer for your kids. Kids by their nature love the holidays, whether it be Christmas or Chanukah. Try to keep your spirits up because you love them, and want them to enjoy the season. When your kids are with you the biggest gift that you can give them is a loving dad who has tried to do whatever was necessary to make their holiday a peaceful one.