If you are a religious person you know that the gift of grace from God is something that is called unmerited favor. It’s something that God gives us to help us through difficult parts of our life and sometimes even the difficult parts of a day, an hour or a minute. About eleven years ago I received the gift of Grace from God, and it wasn’t a spiritual experience. Rather it was my daughter Grace who was born on October 9, 1996. I have two daughters, Sarah and Grace. Sarah was my first born; Grace came along more than five years later. I ended up separated and divorced from their mother when Grace was almost four years old. Both of my daughters have rallied behind me and continue to let me know how much they love me. I owe a debt of gratitude to the two of them. Just like a father is supposed to devote time to each of his children on an individual basis, I would like to devote this writing to Grace and spend the time letting her and everyone know what she means to me.

After my divorce it took me about 5 years before I finally bought a house. I chose to buy a house close to my children so I could get to them with ease whenever I wanted to or needed to. They both slept at my house on some weekends and sometimes on a day during the week. Sarah’s scheduled seemed to keep her from doing this as often as I would have likee, but Grace always kept coming to my house week after week. We developed a routine. I would pick her up from school every Tuesday and Thursday, and she would come over to my house. We would have dinner, do homework together, go to bed, and start over the next morning. On top of that, she stays with me probably every other weekend. Sometimes she would ask me on a Sunday if she could come over on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of that week, and of course I would say yes. As time went on and Grace and I were spending all of this beautiful time together, Grace and I were becoming best friends. The word grace has taken on new meaning for me. As I mentioned earlier, the word grace refers to what God has given us to get through the hardest times in our lives. The gift from God of my daughter Grace has truly allowed me to survive the very difficult years after my divorce. She is God’s gift to me, and I am so grateful that He has given her to me.

I think the most excitement that I ever have had with Grace has been watching her evolve into an unbelievable soccer player. Grace started playing soccer at about four years old and has participated in soccer for about 7 years. If you count her participation in the spring and fall that’s 14 seasons. When she first started out she did nothing but run up and down the field. She didn’t care one bit if she ever even touched the ball. She just loved playing the game. That changed very quickly as she learned how to handle the ball, pass and shoot in no time at all. She worked hard and became an unbelievable team player. I can remember her complaining to me only a year ago that she had never scored a goal. She always knew that she would at some point. This past fall season she broke through. She was named captain of the team, and I don’t think a game went by when she didn’t score a goal. The season ended with something called a soccerama on a Sunday afternoon. Grace played soccer from 2:00 in the afternoon until 8:00 at night that day. She was exhausted. I never saw anyone play that hard. She was named the MVP of the team.

I love Grace. To me she is an MVP also. She is my Most Valuable Person. She is an example to me. She has so many wonderful qualities that they are just too numerous to mention. She hugs and kisses me all the time; she covers me when I fall asleep. She watches out for me. I remember when a dog that was in her friend’s yard came after me this summer. I was trying to run away, and I fell down in the driveway. I will never forget that worried look that she had in her face thinking that I really got hurt. We laugh and we learn together. I never had a friend like this ever, even when I was a little boy. Grace is a friend that is more interested in giving than getting. She knows how to be a friend. I have been blessed by God’s gift of Grace.

How to Feel Better During the Holidays - Feeling depressed is normal - What to do about the Holiday Blues 

I don’t think I will ever forget my first Christmas when I was separated from my ex wife and was without my kids. It was many years ago, but all I have to do is think of that day and I get sick and depressed. I saw my kids on Christmas at their house. They had plans with their mother so I gave them their presents and then I had to leave. The pain of leaving on that day was excruciating for me emotionally. I didn’t even know where I was going to go. I stopped by a good friend’s house and spent an hour or two with him and his family and then had dinner in a Chinese restaurant around 4:00 pm. I really couldn’t wait for the day to end.

The holiday season for a newly divorced dad can be a real time of sadness. What once was is no longer. We don’t wake up in the morning to the sound of the kid’s voices on Christmas day.  We wake up and the chances are its pretty quiet where we are.  It is a quiet that we can’t seem to get used to.   There is an empty feeling inside of us and we really don’t know how to fill the void. It has been said that time heals all wounds. That is true for some people, but sometimes tremendous losses take a lifetime to heal if they heal at all. Divorce can be like death. The only difference is death is final. A person who is divorced knows that the person that he/she was once married to still walks the earth. They see this person from time to time, and if they still care for the person the reminder can be too much to bear. Divorce can produce guilt, shame, heartache, depression, regret, and anger. When the holiday season starts all of these feelings seem to come crashing down on us at once. Christmas is particularly difficult because it is so festive, and it seems like everyone is having a good time except us.

The Christmas holiday can cause us as divorced dads to focus on ourselves instead of others. We can become so depressed that we obsess about the past and dwell on what once was. These emotions can be so devastating that they permeate other areas of our life, like our job, our health, our attitude about living, and it can impact the relationship that means the most to us and that’s the relationship that we have with our children.

That first Christmas for me without my children was crushing emotionally. I realized that I couldn’t bear it again. I also realized that I didn’t have the luxury of being depressed. As a dad I realized that my kids still count on me. That first Christmas was seven years ago, I vowed on that day that my kids would be with me on Christmas day. I didn’t own a home until the fifth Christmas after my divorce. I worked to be sure that the holiday for me and my children would be as festive as I could possibly make it. I made sure that I arranged my bills so buying gifts for my kids would not be a problem. I decorated my house, and made it look like Christmas when my kids came over. The biggest thing that helped me during those very depressing times was God. I heard God say to me on more than one occasion, “Jim, this goes with the territory, and I am putting you are in charge of this territory. I am here to help you but ultimately you have to take the responsibility to make sure that you don’t suffer again. I love you Jim and I don’t want you to suffer.” As a divorced dads on Christmas we are going to have our ups and downs. Only we can decide how many of each we are going to have. Just remember we have plenty of help.

As a dad nothing gives me more pleasure than attending school events. When my daughter Sarah was on the track team I used to love to go to her track meets. I watched my 11 year old daughter Grace develop into a wonderful soccer player, this past season she was recognized as the most valuable player on her team. School events are especially fun, especially the ones that are held during the Christmas and Hanukkah season.

Last night I attended Grace’s holiday concert and I have to tell you I had a great time. The fifth and sixth grades put on one of the best shows I think I ever attended. There was singing, dancing, ballet, solo acts, and comedy. It was absolutely fabulous. There were two shows, and I stayed and watched the second show also, that’s how good the performance was.

I must admit that attending some of these shows in the past usually put me to sleep, and at times I would be nudged by someone to stop snoring. Last night I didn’t want the show to end. I realize that at times it is tough to attend these events. Schedules always seem to get in the way for a dad. Do yourself and your kids a favor, the next time the school has an event, clear your schedule and attend it. Grace was thrilled that I was there. They will always tell you that they are happy that you were there; they know that you are proud of them, and your attendance shows that you are. They never seem to say anything when you are not in attendance, at least not at the time. We usually find out how they wish you saw them in the school play when they are married with their own kids. That’s not something any of us as dads want to hear. Remember something, no person on their death bed ever wishes that they had spent more time at work. Do the right thing.

As I have looked back over my life, I have come to the realization that I learned more from dad than any other person in my life. His influence impacted me and helped develop me as a student, but mostly as a person. There is no doubt that a person’s personality is formed because of all of the things that people have said to us and have done to us and for us. My dad always had plenty of things to say to me, and did many things with me as a young child that helped me develop my interests, and many of the unique talents that I have today. He was a dad who was much older than the father’s of most of my friends. I was born when he was forty six years old. By the time I was 12 he had already had one stroke and didn’t have the physical strength to do many of the activities with me that fathers can do with their sons. He might not have had the strength to play baseball, football, or basketball with me, but anytime I wanted to participate in these activities he took me to the events and watched and supported me. He enjoyed watching me, and I loved knowing that he was there for me. I really loved when he would critique my performance and offer me advice. He became a student of the activities I was involved with and my best teacher.

As a father (and divorced dad) of two daughters myself I have learned that I have to take on the role as a primary educator for my children. Because my children live with their mother, it has been a challenge to involve myself in my children’s education because of the fact that I don’t see my kids on a daily basis. I do however call everyday and I am very aware of their academic progress and their day to day activities. I am a participant, a student, a supporter, and a teacher in their academic program. It has helped that I have been an educator for 30 years and have taught more students, teachers, and parents than I care to mention. But I have come to believe that my success in life will not be based on how well I educated someone else’s children, but how well I educated my own children. Stephen Covey explained in is book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People that a person has to achieve private victory in his life before he can have any form of public victory. In very simple terms I have to see to it that I successfully educate my own children, before I can have a part in the education of someone else’s children. As dads you can initiate or participate in activities that help your children succeed academically. Helping your children learn can increase their success in school. It is extremely important for your children to be independent learners. You want them to develop a hunger for knowledge, and become lifetime learners. The frequency with which you interact in positive ways with your children during the course of your education will reflect your interest in your child’s education and communicate to them the importance of doing well in school.

When your children are young, read to them every single day, even if it is for only 10 or 15 minutes. This will create a love of reading in your children which will help them become good readers. Continue to encourage your children to read as they get older. The key to this though, is that you have to put the time in when they are young reading to them and with them. Your children should also see you reading something everyday, and that can include the newspaper or even the Bible. You cannot just tell your children to read, and never pick up something to read yourself. Children learn by example first. Take your children to the library, and encourage them to take out books. When they have reports, take them to the library to find books they can use for research material rather than letting them find everything they need on the internet.

Establish daily routines with your kids that establish specific times for homework. When your children come home from school, you or your wife should make sure that they sit down at the kitchen or dining room table where you or she can see them so that they can be closely monitored while they are doing their homework. They cannot come home and go right up to their rooms supposedly to do their homework until you have the trust and knowledge that they will actually do this. They also cannot sit down at the TV, or have playdates before their homework is completed. Do not be so concerned about whether or not your children are having fun every second. They need to develop good study habits first, and I’m talking about establishing these when they are in first grade. Once they develop the good habits, you will not have to do much. If they are older at this point, and you haven’t worked on any of this before, then lay down the law now and establish this new routine. If they are older, it’s going to take much more effort on your part to do this. But if you just continue allowing them to do their thing, then I promise you that their success as students will be extremely limited.

Be sure to establish some time to spend with your children where you’re talking and having some fun. As a divorced dad I have to be sure to schedule specific time for my kids to visit my home on school nights. I have not been as successful with this with my oldest daughter Sarah as I would have liked. I think the problem was that I did not insist that she come. If she said she had something else to do, then I went along with that. Now, she’s pretty much in a habit of not coming over. She is almost 17 years old and has a very independent spirit. She is doing very well in high school and chooses to visit my home on a very limited basis. See, I think that’s the problem. I allowed her to choose, starting about when she was about 12 or 13, and parents shouldn’t be allowing their 12 or 13 year olds to choose those types of things. In certain areas, you (or I) should be the boss, and that’s just the way it is. Hopefully, my involvement is going to grow exponentially as she begins to prepare to go to college. But that will come only if I put the pressure on her to spend that time with me. I know she’ll be better off (and so will I) if we spend that time together. We dads just have to be strong and assert ourselves with our kids, which sometimes is really hard to do, if our kids are more assertive than we are. I know one thing for sure, and that is that if I don’t guide her through through her growing pains, then someone else will. This someone else is probably her friends, and I don’t think they have as much wisdom as I do.

My younger daughter Grace is in the 5^th grade and visits me 2-3 days a week. We do homework together. We have dinner and talk about her day, as well as my day. I enjoy sharing stories with her about what I did during the day. She also enjoys hearing stories about my childhood and what my father was like when I was a little boy. We have a great time laughing together, that’s for sure. But I make sure that I sit with Grace at the dining room table basically the whole time she is doing her homework. Neither her mother nor I really helped Grace establish the good study habits she needed when she was in first or second grade (which I spoke about earlier in this article), so now I’m faced with the reality that I have to make sure she establishes good study habits now. My window of opportunity is quickly closing, because once students are 12 or 13 years old, they almost become too old to sit at the table with their parents. But luckily, Grace is still young enough, and I can mold her in this area. As I attempt to take on a greater role as I help Grace with her with any difficulties she has with homework, I have to be sure to be consistent, and do this every single time that Grace is with me. I want Grace to see me as someone who may not always know every answer, but as a person who knows how to discover an answer through diligence and hard work. I know that I am not perfect. I do know this though, every moment that I spend with her while she is acquiring knowledge, and every positive word that I say to her will help her in terms of her feeling good about learning. It will also help me build a stronger relationship with her. Being divorced may not have been the very best thing for my kids, but it has forced me to look at my role as a father and use the time that I spend with them as an opportunity for them to view me as her first and most important teacher.

Sometimes you are so crazy about your kids that you make unrealistic statements or make promises that you know you just can’t keep, but at the time it sounds good and it keeps everyone smiling. I told my daughter Grace the other day, “Honey I would do anything for you.” As a divorced dad you want to think you would do anything, but sometimes these statement come back to haunt you. Sometimes your kids will make an unreasonable request like, asking to drive the car when they are fifteen years old, or taking a day off from school for no apparent reason. It seems as if kids remember what you said at the worst possible moment, like when you say no to a request. That’s when they respond with but dad you said you would do anything for me. Now you’re looking for a way out.

The guilt from my divorce has had me do many unreasonable things, make some very unreasonable purchases, and part with some unreasonable amounts of money. But, I did it and I think I learned something from it. No request is unreasonable as long as it passes the test of wisdom and common sense. If what your child is asking for is reasonable and after some thought it seems wise to do than go ahead and do it. I know that I will fail this test once in a while but it is always comforting to know that at least I have time to think about what was requested by one of my daughters. Divorced dads have a habit of sticking their foot in their mouth, now at least I know I can get it out gracefully.

My two daughters Sarah and Grace live 30 miles south of me so driving just seems to be part of my life. I have worn out a path going south on the Garden State Parkway. I bought a new car in September of 2006. The car was a 2006 Honda Accord. It now has 65,000 miles on it. I bought a Honda for good reason. The car that I had before this one was a 1997 Honda Civic. I put 500,000 miles on it. That’s a lot of driving.

I got Grace on Friday. We had our own Thanksgiving dinner on Friday. She slept over on Friday night. She woke up on Saturday and I drove her back to the town where she lives with her mother so she could play with her friend at about noon. I then turned around and drove home. I went back to get her at about 6:00. Her friend Mikayla came back to my house for a sleep over. Mikayla’s mom was nice enough to come to my house to pick them both up at noon on Sunday so they could continue to play at Mikayla’s house. I am now waiting for a phone call from Grace because I’m going back to pick her up and bring her back here to stay at my house tonight. Tomorrow morning, I will take Grace back down for school. If you do the math that’s about 150 miles of driving in about a day and a half.

I do drive a lot of miles, and many of them involve my kids. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want to see my kids. As a divorced dad I have the benefit of living pretty close to my kids. Thirty miles to me is close. Some dads live in other states and don’t have the luxury of being able to see their kids almost on a daily basis. For me, all this driving goes with the territory. I can’t live any closer than I do to their house, because if I did, I know all too well that my ex-wife, their mother, would wander over to my house without an invitation to complain about some problem that she blames me for. This distance is perfect, for me at least.

I try to look at the trade offs. I have to drive a lot, but I get to see my kids a lot. I try to make my kids understand that the driving is not a big deal to me. I tell them when I drop them off to call me thirty minutes before they want me to pick them up and bring them back to my house. They really do appreciate my availability, and when I am not available they know that I want to be. It’s about 5:00; I just got the phone call from Grace telling me she’s ready for me to pick her up from Mikayla’s house and bring her back here for the night. I am tired, and I’m watching a good movie. I know that Grace could easily go home to her mother’s house, and that that would save me another 60 miles of driving. But I’d rather have Grace with me tonight. The trip will be worth it.

As a divorced dad with two daughters I can get resentful when my teenage daughter Sarah spends limited amounts of time with me. She comes over to my house and does what I call a cameo appearance. What usually happens is she arrives at my house and spends a few short hours with me. Just as we are starting to enjoy our time and settle in she says to me, “When are you going to take me home?” It seems as if she needs to rush home because she is afraid of missing one minute with her friends because they might suddenly find new friends to hang around with. This just happened yesterday. I celebrate Thanksgiving on the Friday after the holiday. It makes it far easier to have my kids with me the entire day. On Thanksgiving Sarah and Grace were at their aunt’s house with their mother. I picked them both up at 12:00 on Friday and brought them back to my house. I had twenty people at my house including my sister and her husband who were very excited to see my kids. My sister left at about 8:00, and things were starting to wind down. My daughter Sarah came to me and said to me, “When are you going to take me home?” I replied “Take you home, I thought you were going to stay over night and I would take you home in the morning.” That was the plan until her cell phone started ringing. I must say I felt unimportant and somewhat displaced. I have never been one to express any displeasure with my daughter’s requests, even though some of the things that she has wanted to do at times did not make me happy. I guess I’ve always been afraid of voicing any disapproval at all because I was concerned about driving her away from me. This time I had the feeling that I had to say something, and I did. We ended up in a discussion and I expressed my disappointment that she was leaving, and made a few other comments, that communicated my unhappiness. I did take her home, and things were fine on the ride. We spoke like nothing happened.

Let me let you in on a little secret. A divorced dad will never get anything from his children including respect if he doesn’t request it and sometimes demand it. The guilt, the pain and the thoughts about being a failure are all too real for me as a divorced dad. I suffered through these emotions and feelings for many years after my divorce. They don’t change one very important piece of this puzzle, and that is that I am my daughter’s father. I am her father, and I can place demands on her, make requests, and tell her how I feel regardless of any negative reaction that she may have. Sarah may continue to make cameo appearances at my house but I will continue to tell her that I don’t like it.

Our children will grow up fast. They will always look back on their childhood and wonder if we cared, or if we were apathetic. They will want to know why we let them get away with certain things and draw conclusions in their minds about our strengths or weaknesses as a father. Avoiding a confrontation because we are afraid that we are going to alienate them now may only lead to a relationship later that only involves a cameo appearance.

I used to play baseball in high school and college. I even played in an over thirty league back in the mid eighties. When my child Sarah was born in 1991, baseball wasn’t something I thought she would ever be interested in. But when she was about six, I took her over to the park to hit some baseballs. She picked up the balls after I hit them, and she got up to bat. She hit a few balls, and she even ran the bases. Sarah had and still has athletic ability- good hand eye coordination, flexibility, strength and agility. Well, when Sarah was 7, she came to me one day and said, “Hey dad can I play soccer?” I said, “Sure.” So I went out and bought her a soccer ball, shin guards, and cleats. I signed her up for the recreational league in town. I must admit I was pretty enthused. We practiced kicking the ball in the backyard, and we were both getting pretty excited about her first game.

Well, the Saturday of the first game came, so Sarah and I headed up to the soccer field. After some warm-up activities and a pep talk from the coach, the game started. To my surprise Sarah was in the starting line-up. She ran up and down the field for the first ten minutes or so, and she finally had an opportunity to kick the ball. She took her first kick, missed the ball, and landed flat on her back. She got up, and came crying over to the sideline and begged, “Don’t make me play anymore, Dad, I can’t do it.” She refused to go back into the game. The game ended, and on the way to the car she continued to cry, “Don’t make me play Dad, please, I don’t want to.” I mustered up all my courage and I said to her sternly, “You’re playing. You are playing. Now get in the car.” She got in the car and we drove home. On the way home all I heard was a bunch of sniffling and whining in the back seat. I didn’t have a very long ride home, but I can tell you this. She wore me out. I was emotion ally exhausted by the time I got home. We pulled up into the driveway, and I sat miserably in the car as I watched Sarah get out and walk into the house, sniffling and shaking as she walked through the front door. I sat stewing in the car and said to myself, “Who wants to play soccer anyway, dumb game.” I then attempted to further rationalize my thoughts by saying to myself, “Soccer’s for boys anyway.” I walked into the house, stood at the bottom of the stairs and yelled up the stairs, “SARAH.” She sniffled her way through a “Yeah dad.” I said, “Come down here.” She came down the stairs, and I said to her, “Look honey, you don’t have to play soccer, if you don’t want to play. It’s ok with me.” She said, “Oh thank you daddy.” She gave me a big hug and kiss and ran back upstairs.

Honestly, I felt like her hero. I was her knight in shining armor. I had just come through for her, and given her exactly what she wanted. I was sure I had made the prudent decision; I didn’t even have to ask her mother’s opinion. I figured what’s the big deal, no harm done. I was content in the knowledge that I had allowed my six year old daughter to make her own decision.

Well, I have another daughter named Grace (Grace is 6 years younger than Sarah) who came to me when she was six years old and said, “Hey dad, can I play soccer?”

I said, “Sure honey.” The same routine started again, the shin guards, the cleats, the soccer ball, the practice, and finally the game. But this time, the outcome was much different. Grace ran enthusiastically up and down the field from one end to the other. She never got near enough to even touch the ball, but she had a great time. Grace came off the field with a look of absolute joy in her eyes and said to me, “Boy that was fun Dad.” She played the first season, and had a ball. She played the next season and really improved a lot. She wanted to score really badly, but didn’t have the opportunity. She still loved the game. To her, every game was an event, an outing that ended with a snack and a Gatorade, lunch, and a fun time spent with me.

While this was going on Sarah was into cheerleading, gymnastics, track, palates, and even a little weight lifting. She loved designer clothes, having her nails done, tanning, make-up, and just looking good. She watched her weight and understood that in order to look good, she had to spend a good deal of time exercising. She commented to me one time that some of her friends on her track team had less body fat than she did and that they could run faster than she could. It was just a passing comment but I remember her saying it, and I most definitely noticed that she was bothered by this.

One day Sarah and I drove over to the soccer field to pick Grace up from a soccer practice. We got to the field, and Grace got into the car sweating; her face was as red as a tomato. Sarah handed a Gatorade and a snack over to her in the back seat, and Grace just sat there, contentedly guzzling her drink. Sarah looked back at Grace, then looked forward, looked back again at Grace again, and then stared straight at me. She said, “Hey dad, why didn’t you make me play soccer?”

I said (defensively), “I wanted you to play. Don’t you remember? You kicked the ball once, missed it, and fell on your head. Then you begged me not to make you play again.”

She answered me with, “SO? Why didn’t you make me?”

Now I was the one who was starting to sweat. I said, “You didn’t want to play. You wouldn’t let up until I agreed not to make you play.

Sarah then made a statement to me that I will never forgot as long as I live. She said, “But dad, you’re supposed to be in charge.”

Where had I gone wrong seven years earlier? At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do was to give in to what Sarah wanted. But it turned out that I hadn’t done what she needed me to do. I had allowed a six year old to decide whether or not she wanted to play soccer. What had she really needed at the time? She needed me to tell her that she was going to play soccer because I as the parent knew what was best for her, and I wasn’t going to give her a way out. She wanted me to be in charge, not allow her to be in charge. I unknowingly had let her down.

When I teach my graduate courses, I ask my adult students the following question all the time. How many things did your parents let you get away with as a kid that you wish you had never gotten away with? I usually get lots of stunned looks from my students.

Too often we allow our children to make choices and decisions that they have no business making. I see it all the time in supermarkets, stores, and malls, parents giving in when their children demand they buy something, or parents trying to coax their kids to stop crying or to stop running away from them. The children ignore their parents’ pleadings. Usually, the parents say something to their children like, “What do you want to do?” Well honestly, who cares what they want, they’re three years old!

I’m not totally sure where this whole attitude has come from, but I have my own theory that Dr. Benjamin Spock had a lot to do with it. Spock’s first book, Baby and Child Care” was first published in 1946 just in time for the baby boomer generation. In his book he spoke about feeding on demand, respecting your children, the need for flexibility, and the lack of the necessity to worry about spoiling. The paperback sold more than 50 million copies and was translated into 30 languages. Critics of Spock claimed that he was “the father of permissiveness.” In later years, Spock claimed that he never changed his basic philosophy on child care, that it was imperative to respect children because they’re human beings and they deserve respect. But he seemed to retreat somewhat from his teachings when he made statements such as “I’ve always said ask for respect from your children, ask for cooperation, ask for politeness. Give your children firm leadership.” Years later, he became more moralistic and he said that parents should give their children strong values and encourage them to help others. This is only supposition, but I hypothesize that Spock may have decided that he didn’t like what he saw in society and realized that he may have played a part in the screwing up of generations. In later editions of the book originally titled The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care, he stressed that children needed standards and that parents also had a right to respect. He stated in his book that parents were starting to become afraid of imposing on the child in any way.

I ‘m not claiming to be an expert on child rearing, but I do know that if children are re fed on demand they will be demanding. If they are allowed to say anything they want they will be disrespectful. If they are not held accountable they will be irresponsible. And if there are no consequences for inappropriate behavior they will be non-compliant. Parents today always ask, What can we do with our kids today? My question is, What are we going to do with these parents?

Once I relinquished my natural right as a parent to make decisions for my children, I was never truly able to reestablish my parental authority. From the moment that my daughter convinced me to allow her to make the choice not to play soccer, she learned she had the power to make basically every decision that came along in her life whether large or small. And the saddest part of all of this for me is that she blames me because I wasn’t strong enough NOT to let her assume a role she was never designed to play in her own young life.

Dr. Spock has since passed away, and I think many of us looking for a new voice to offer us some solid advice to help us sort out the mess we are in today.

This afternoon, I went to my 11 year old daughter Grace’s school conference, and it was wonderful. She is doing so well, and I am so proud of her, you don’t know. She is progressing in math, and doing excellent in all of her other subjects. I called Grace when I left the conference and told her that I was going to be picking her up. She was playing with a friend and asked me if I could take her and her friend to McDonalds. Was she kidding? I live for this. Unfortunately, her friend couldn’t go. But Grace wasn’t disappointed. She said, “I really just wanted to spend the time with you dad.” I love it when she says that to me.

By the time I got over to pick Grace up, my 16 year old daughter Sarah was home from school. I had promised her the night before that I would take her to the grocery store to pick up a few items. She’s working out now at a gym, and believe it or not, she consults me for her work out schedule and her diet. We went to the store and picked up some fruit, yogurt, cottage cheese, and salad fixings. Sarah has her permit now, so she drove us to the grocery store. I have to be careful that I don’t give her too much credit for her driving ability. She’s good, but she is a kid, and needs to be taught how to handle the more difficult road situations. Honestly, when I look at her behind the wheel, she looks like she’s 12 years old. I’m never sure if she really hears me when I give her driving tips. I get those short answers from her like okay, right dad, and I know. Is she listening to me? I don’t know. We got the groceries, and I drove her home. She got herself together, and then we drove to pick up her friends so I could drive them to the gym. I dropped them off. Then I drove back to my house to sleep over. We stopped at McDonalds on the way, picked up dinner, and brought it to my house. We ate dinner, then sat down at the table to do homework. It makes all the difference in the world to just sit at the table with her while she does her work. It shows her that I’m there in case she needs my help, and it also shows that I mean business- that I expect her to do her homework. When I saw she was done, we went in the den and put on the TV. Then we got down the Christmas lights, and had a great time, laughing and joking around. Then I sat down in my recliner in front of the TV. She always lets me doze off in my chair. When she gets tired herself she wakes me up and we go to bed. It’s 4:17 in the morning as I write this post. She is still asleep. I love having her here when I wake up in the morning.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel like I spend more time with my kids now than I ever did when I was married. It can be done, but as a father I have come to realize that I need to just do it no matter what, and not think about how tired I am or that I just don’t feel like making the drive to pick them up. As I said earlier “I live for this.”

My 11 year old daughter Grace called me at 7:00 this morning. She wanted to know if I was picking her up today. I told her that I had to go to her school for the parent teacher conference at 2:00 this afternoon, and that I would be over to get her after that. Even though I know that Grace likes to spend time with me it’s always a major relief when she calls and wants to know if I’m picking her up. I think because I’m divorced, this means even more to me.

I didn’t always have this joy and pleasure of having both my girls, Sarah (she’s 16) and Grace with me as much as I do now . When I first got separated I didn’t have a place for my kids to go. I was living on my sister’s couch, and then I went to a pretty crummy winter rental in a shore town. So there wasn’t any place for them to sleep. I did buy a small condo after about 2 yeas, but at that point, my ex-wife wasn’t allowing me to take my children overnight. For 4 years after I was separated and then divorced, I picked up my daughter Sarah every Tuesday and Thursday after school, and then all day Saturday. On those days, Sarah and I would go shopping, do some homework, and then go out for a bite to eat. On Saturday I would try to have an activity planned but that wasn’t always possible either. I did my best. That’s all I can say.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were always especially difficult times for me because my children always spent those days with their mother. Needless to say I didn’t really have the holiday spirit. Then about four years ago I bought my own house and moved much closer to where they lived. That was a turning point for me. The main thing that happened was that I developed a routine with Grace, and she started to sleep over on Tuesdays and Thursdays. (Unfortunately, Sarah wasn’t much interested in coming over.)I started to feel excited when the holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas approached. The only thing that I cared about was that my children would be with me. Tonight for instance I will get down the Christmas decorations from the attic and Grace will help me test the Christmas lights to see if they all work. We will put out some decorations, tell jokes, and talk about what we’re going to do for the holidays because we know that we’re all going to be together. On Thanksgiving day my kids will still be with their mother, but I have my own tradition of celebrating Thanksgiving on Friday. This is great because I get to celebrate Thanksgiving with all the fixins with my children and they don’t have to feel bad on Thursday because they’ll be celebrating the holiday with me on Friday. As a matter of fact I just invited my sister Kathy and her husband Hank to join us, and I’m really hoping they’ll be with me at my Thanksgiving dinner too.

Please, please don’t misunderstand me. This is not the ideal situation, but I think I’m making the best of my lot as a divorced dad. People who are divorced and have kids struggle through the holidays, and I think we dads can become very depressed. I believe that it goes with the territory. We have to make the very best of the situation and always remember that we have to do everything with our children in mind.