When I first started talking about the quality of compliance I used the word obedience. I got such a negative reaction from teachers and parents that I had to change the name of the quality from obedience to compliance. It seemed as if obedience was too strong a word and parents and teachers were offended by it. I still don’t think that there is anything wrong with the word obedience. Thirty years ago we demanded obedience from children.  Today we can’t even use the word, and obedience turns out to be the last thing we get from children. Well, what is the definition of compliance? Compliance is when a person does what he is told, when he is told to do it, with a good attitude. And willfulness is the opposite of the character quality of compliance.

Why is it so hard to get children to be compliant with the instructions of an adult? It is the natural tendency of children to want to explore and do things, their natural curiosity is always at work and they believe at a young age that they can do and say just about anything that they want. A parent’s first job is to teach their children the word NO. If children don’t understand what they can and cannot do, and they don’t understand the word NO they will draw the conclusion at a very young age that they can do anything they want. Believe it or not children will draw this conclusion at about the age of two. This is one of the reasons why everyone talks about the terrible two’s. Children are starting to walk and  have a natural curiosity, and want to explore just about everything, like a hot stove, or electric outlets. They want to pull on the dogs ears, or change the channel on the TV set in the middle of a show, or go into the cabinet under the sink and play with the Drano. If children don’t understand the word NO, and more importantly, if they are not corrected for their non-compliance they will begin to believe that there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. Then suddenly mom or dad get to the point that they are fed up with their children’s behavior and they start to take things away, or start to scream the word NO which leads to the child crying and throwing a temper tantrum.

I am not sure where adults got the idea that they can rationalize with a two year old and truly make that child understand their adult reasoning. The truth of the matter is they can’t. But these same children enter pre school and kindergarten and are behavior problems for the teacher from the get go. These children can’t share, stay in their seat, follow directions, or take turns. When they are disciplined for non compliance they scream and carry on like someone is cutting off their right arm. The teacher then begins to believe that there is something medically wrong with these children, like they must have ADHD, or ODD. In reality the children were just never taught the meaning of one little word, NO.

March 3, 2008

 Dear Grace:

 I am sorry that I have been such a poor example to you recently. I have made a few mistakes and I am asking for your forgiveness. I have already spoken to you and I do know that you forgive me, but I want to write this down so I don’t forget. What you think of me means everything and I don’t want you to have a bad opinion of me. Some of the mistakes that I have made I am even too embarrassed to write about and wouldn’t want the readers of this letter to think badly of me, that’s how serious I am about my own behavior.

 I want you to be proud of me as your dad, and I will see to it that you are by the changes that I will make in my own behavior. As time goes on I want us to experience mutual pride for each other, and I believe that we will both learn from one another. I want you to tell me when I am doing something, that bothers you and I will do my best to stop doing it. You can bet that I will tell you, that to me what this relationship is all about. I have said it before, and I will say it again; you are my best friend.

I Love You Dad

February 8, 2008

Dear Grace:

Has another month gone by already? It sure has and I wanted to let you know that I am standing in your corner with you always. You are special and I mean special. You have such an interest in the things that I do it makes me feel like what I do is important. You come over an spend time with me and always allow me to take care of anything that I have to do, because you believe that it is important to me. You show me such patience. You seem to be telling me that if it is important to me it’s important to you. I really enjoyed working on that history project with you, and Sarah was a big help too wasn’t she? She really loves you and I am thrilled to death watching the two of you grow up together. Both of us have to realize how much we need each other. You really helped me in the car this morning when I was driving you to school, and you reminded me not to finish the bagel. We both need help with our diets, and you are an encouragement to me. I really don’t know what I would ever do without you. Soon soccer season will start and you will be running up and down the field, I really can’t wait to watch again. I love you, I love you.

Love Again

Dad

I don’t think that there is any child who wouldn’t like to hear the words, “Your dad is a really nice guy” spoken about his or her father. Sometimes kids have a different view of their father than other people do, and it takes someone else to remind them that hey, my dad is an all right guy. Hearing those words from a teacher or from anyone of significance can change a child’s attitude about his/her father, build security, develop greater respect for the father, and motivate a child to work harder in school. 

My dad never went to many parent/teacher conferences. I remember a few when I was in elementary school that he attended and only one that he attended when I was in high school. The conference that he attended in high school was held during the day. I was home on a half day and I remember him telling me that he was headed up to the school to talk to my teachers. I must say I was a little nervous not because of any bad reports, but because I think as an adolescent boy I was always afraid of my father sticking his foot in his mouth and saying or doing something that would embarrass me. I was never concerned about how my father looked. He was always impeccably dressed. His starched shirts, perfectly tied tie, Hickey Freeman sports jacket, and diamond tie pin were all every day wear for my dad. He always looked great.

He came home from the conference and said very little to me. When I asked him what teachers he spoke with he went over them in the order that he saw them and let me know that they all had some good things to say about me as a person and as a student. We left it at that and I figured that all was well, and it was. I went to school the next day and went to my classes. I had a Spanish II class in the afternoon that was loaded with many of my friends that I hung around with. The teacher’s name was Mrs. Barrett, a young teacher that all the boys were crazy about. She lectured for about 10 minutes of the class, and then gave us some seat work for us to complete. She moved around the room to check our work and to make sure we were on task and doing the assignment. She came down my row, and stopped in back of my seat; she leaned down by my left ear and whispered the following comment, “Your dad is a really nice guy.” I looked up and nodded my head in appreciation. No one else heard what she said to me. I believe that she didn’t want to embarrass me in front of my buddies. Nothing else was said, the class ended and I went to my next class. One might think that this small statement was inconsequential, but it wasn’t, I still remember it to this day. I worked harder in her class after that than I did in my other classes and received an A for the course. I wanted to please her because of the opinion that she had of a very significant person in my life, my dad. I am now 53 years old and have 2 daughters Sarah and Grace. I still believe that the opinion that their teachers have of me is important to the success of my daughters. I also believe that how I present myself when I am out with my daughters is important. No, I don’t wear starched shirts every day, or perfectly tied tie or a sport coat when I am with my daughters. But, I do know that looking groomed and neat is something that is important to them. There is no doubt that our children feel good when they hear nice things about their dad. We just have to be sure that we live up to the billing in our own home. It doesn’t do us any good if the whole world thinks that we are patient and kind if we constantly blow our top and ridicule our children at home. As dads we have to be ready to present ourselves to others in a manner that will make our kids feel proud of who we are and proud that we are their dad. The words, “Your dad is a really nice guy” is a statement that that your children will carry with them for a lifetime and remember as they grow older. 

When our children are born we always wait for the milestones in their life. Their first words, and their first steps are things that we usually write down in a scrap book of sorts to keep track of their accomplishments. When they get a little older we save things like their first drawing or a card that they made for us. When they begin school we make a spot for all of the little projects that they created to bring home and give to us. Once they’re in high school we keep report cards, and progress reports and love to get those bumper stickers that say, “Proud Parent of an Honor Roll Student.” They get accepted into college, and we swell with joy, they become accomplished students, they graduate and find a great job, get married, and live productive independent lives. We talk about our children to our friends and experience the pride that only parents can feel. It’s something that comes from way down deep in our soul. To use a Yiddish term, we kvell from our children. Everything that they do makes us feel like we did a good job in raising them.

I have that feeling daily for my own children. I know that Sarah is only 17 and Grace is only 11 so my work isn’t done yet. But, one of the things that I’ve noticed as they have gotten older is that now it’s not so much the pride that I have in them, it’s the pride that I would like them to have in me. When I look at my life I wonder, do they have anything to be proud of me for? I’ve been married twice, the divorces were the result of affairs, and both of my daughters know it. I provide for them, but I always seem to have some financial problem that keeps me from having disposable income that they always seem to ask me for when I don’t have it. Yes sir, I have made my fair share of mistakes, and my struggles go with the territory. Don’t get me wrong, I do a lot of things right. A good friend of mine once told me that even bad parents do some things that are right. I don’t think that I am a bad parent. I just wish that I was a little smarter sometimes.

My youngest daughter Grace spends a lot of time with me and tells me all the time that I am her best friend. Sarah who is 17 is getting more like a woman everyday, and she has started to seek more advice from me daily.  I don’t know when the tide turned and I started seeking the approval of my kids. But I do know one thing, I want it. Not that I will go to any length to get it, but my children’s feelings for me as a person and as a dad means more to me than they could ever know. I believe that all fathers want their children to speak well of them and they want their children to have that feeling inside of them that they are glad that they have you for their father.

I recently wrote a book and submitted it to a publisher. Both of my kids knew I was writing this book and were wondering just what I was going to do with it. Grace was with me one morning and we were getting ready to go off to school. I took out the garbage, and looked at my front door and found a package sitting there. I figured it was from a bill collector. I opened the envelope and found a letter and a contract inside from the publisher telling me that he was accepting my book for publication. My best friend Grace was standing there with me to celebrate. There was nothing like it. Having Grace there at that point in time meant everything to me. My oldest daughter Sarah was in school. a little later, I took a chance thinking that she might be in lunch, and that she might answer her cell phone, and she did. I told her that a publisher was accepting my book. After she got through screaming she said to me, “Dad I am so proud of you.” I hung up the phone and wept. It was if I had made the honor roll and the roles were reversed, when she told me how proud she was of me. As we get older our kids will always measure our accomplishments, behavior, and attitudes against that of other people, and other parents. I want to give my children more things to be proud of me for before I go home to be with my creator. My daughter told me she was proud of me because I wrote a book. Hopefully one day she will be proud of me because of who I am as a father and more importantly because I am her father.

I worked all weekend in North Jersey. By the time I was done working I was exhausted and didn’t really feel like myself. I was supposed to pick up my daughter Grace at 5:30 in the afternoon. I had to call her and tell her that I just couldn’t make it. She was so understanding that it stooped any guilty feelings that I was experiencing from just thinking that I didn’t want to make the trip 30 miles further south on the Garden State Parkway. My oldest daughter Sarah is usually involved with her friends and I talk with her about three times per week. Rarely do I get a call from her, I usually call her. About 7:30 at night I had already dozed off in my easy chair. I was woken by the ringing of the phone. It was Sarah. I must say that I was happy to hear from her but usually when I do there is a problem. When I answered the phone she didn’t have a problem but was she concerned about how I felt. We ended up in a conversation for about 1 hour, and spoke about all kinds of stuff. By the time I got off the phone I was wide awake, and wasn’t even thinking about feeling lousy. It was a case for me where one phone call did the trick.

I love my children, whether I hear from them or not. I know that they have activities that they are involved in and whether I was divorced or not they would be caught up in their own lives, and would be having fun with their friends. The topic of my conversation with Sarah didn’t really matter; it was the fact that she made the decision to call me that did. She also told me how much she loved me. I told her that this conversation would energize me for the next three days. I need to hear these things from my children. It makes me feel like I did something right. God knows that after a divorce I can certainly feel like I did many things wrong.

It doesn’t matter what your age is, if your parents are alive do yourself and them a favor, call them up and just let them know that you love them. For some reason parents will always question how well they did raising their kids. Usually guilt is something that they are plagued with because they just wish that they had done a better job. Ease their pain a little, because it could be that one phone call will do the trick.

January 3, 2008

Dear Grace:

Well, another year has gone by and I feel closer to you than I ever have before. I’ve told you before but, I’m going to tell you again, we are truly best friends. I love picking you up and spending time with you. You are so much fun to be with. I know that you like the stories I tell you. You are such a good writer that one of these days you and I are going to write a book together. We will include in there all the stories that I told you about my childhood, and then we’re going to write about all the good time that you and I have had together. The most incredible thing about you is how you accept me for whom and what I am. I’m not perfect, but who is. You just love me and that I will never forget.

Soccer season will be here soon. I don’t know if you are going to want to play soccer or baseball. It doesn’t matter. You are so athletic that you will be good at anything. I can’t wait until I can go to your games again, it was so much fun for me. I am so proud of how you adjusted to your new school, and how you worked so hard in all your subjects especially math. I am proud of you period and I am sooooo happy that God gave you to me as a daughter. I love you.

Dad

Letters to my daughter is a series of letters that I will be writing to my daughters, Sarah and Grace during the year 2008. These letters will express my feelings for my children, and will be read by them. They will offer advice at times, but the real reason why I am writing them is just to let my daughters know how much I love them. Too often a father doesn’t say enough to his children. My feeling is if you can’t say it, write it. Your children will have them for a lifetime. These letters will be published during the first week of every month. One will be written to Sarah and the other to Grace. Please don’t read them for content. Read them and decide what you need to write to your own children, and then take the time to do it.

I love falling asleep in my easy chair. The problem is I fall asleep and wake up at 2:00 am and can’t fall back to sleep. I then usually spend time writing or working on the computer. I stay awake all day long working, and being retired I take a nap in the afternoon. My daughter Grace was with me last night and we were watching television. I kept dozing off in the chair, like I usually do. Grace kept screaming at me telling me to wake up. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I finally stood up to help me stay awake so I could keep watching TV with her. Grace loves spending time with me, she does however want me to be awake and alert and laughing and talking with her.

Too often we are with our kids physically, but not mentally and emotionally. We are preoccupied with life and can become lost in our own stressful world. I do give my kids time physically, but too often I am only there physically. My kids need me mentally, and emotionally as well. Sometimes I am awake physically, but not mentally, and emotionally awake to the needs of my children. So the challenge that I have for the New Year is to listen to Grace more when she screams at me, WAKE UP DAD.

As parents we are always concerned about how our child is doing in school. If our child comes home and has bad grades, or if we get a call from the teacher with a report that our child is not working up to his/her potential we get worried and we get concerned. We might start to sit with him/her and do homework, or help our child study for tests and quizzes. We place a high priority on our child’s education, and we should. The problem comes in when we start to see some progress and we turn down the pressure, and our child falls right back into the old habits again. As a dad I am not very different, really. Once I am not under pressure to do something, I usually don’t do it either. If I don’t have to learn something, the chances are I am not going to take the time to learn it. Usually when I have a problem I do some reading and research to try and find out the best way to manage, but if I didn’t have the problem I probably wouldn’t even bother to study the topic.
I was sitting with my daughter Grace one evening; we were doing her math homework. She’s in the 5th grade. I am a retired teacher and administrator. I had all kinds of problems understanding the work that she was doing. I was almost embarrassed by my inability to help her. Oh, I can add, subtract, multiply, and divide, but what she was doing had me at a loss. I almost felt like I had to go to school with Grace and sit in her class in order to learn this stuff myself. I had to call my friend Judy and have her explain to me how to solve some of the math problems.
There will come a time when I won’t be able to help Grace with her work because the work that she will be doing will be way over my head. My daughter Sarah is all advanced placement and honors classes in high school. I definitely can’t help her with her work. Sarah has developed the study habits that are necessary in order to do the work independent of me. Grace needs to develop the same study habits, and academic work ethic to be able to work independently.
I need to see to it that Grace develops into an independent learner. She definitely is bright enough to be a successful student. I’m concerned right now because I really don’t see Grace that interested in learning or reading. I think I need to make some changes myself. Grace needs to view me as person who wants to stay sharp mentally. I need to be more of a model for Grace. I need to read more and develop reading as a daily habit. I need to place the same priority on my own education. I want both Grace and Sarah to view education as a part of life and not just something that occurs when they are in school. As a dad I really am my children’s first teacher. The best way for them to learn from me is for them to se me as a student. I need to stay sharp and balanced mentally and model for them the type of student I want them to become.