The holidays can be a rough time for a dad especially if he is divorced, it can be a tough time even if you’re married. The economy right now is so horrendous and money is so tight that financial worries can place an unbearable amount of pressure on a family especially during the holiday season. Some families can just about pay their bills. Parents want to make the Easter and Passover season fun for their kids, but unfortunately fun during this time of year means that extra money has to be spent on all kinds of food, clothes, and presents. When a dad just doesn’t have the money he can begin to think that he isn’t doing his job by providing for his family. If a dad is divorced he can be really broke, and he can turn into the bad guy by not being able to provide the little extras that his children are looking for during the holiday season.

 As a dad myself I want to provide those extras but really what I really want is I just want my kids to be with me. Well, my kids are with me right now. My younger daughter Grace is sleeping and my oldest daughter Sarah will be here later this morning. My oldest daughter just found a job. She is 17 and was dying to work in order to make extra money. She got hired on Friday at a pizza parlor and she couldn’t be happier. Friday was Good Friday; well it really was a Good Friday. Today is going to be a good Sunday too. This week is going to be a good week, and March is going to be a good month.

 You see I can’t cry in my beer, not anymore. There are too many good things that are happening to me right now. Oh, there will be some not so good things that will happen to me in the future I’m sure, but in reality the good will out weigh the bad. I just have to convince myself of it, and thank God for what I do have, and for the blessings that he has bestowed on me and my family. So on this Easter Sunday my kids are with me and life is good.

With the holidays right around the corner it is real easy to get out of whack. If you guys have been listening to blogtalkradio you know that I just did a five part series on having a balanced life. I took this information from Stephen Covey’s book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Covey speaks in his books about the four dimensions of life, physical, mental, social/emotional, and spiritual and how important it is to stay balanced in all four areas. I am not a nutritionist or a personal trainer but I do know that the first dimension is real important for me. The minute I start to eat wrong and neglect an exercise program my blood pressure goes up along with my weight. At 53 years old this is not something that is good for me or my kids.

There are so many diet and exercise programs out there that it can become overwhelming sometimes to try and figure out which one is best for you. Often when we think of exercise we think of the cost of joining a gym, and rearranging our life in order to fit it in to our schedule. I have discovered that that’s not the case at all. After a lot of trial and error I have found that a brisk walk three time a week along with a little strength training helps keep my weight down and provides me with the extra energy to devote to the things that are the most important to me and that’s my kids.

As far as diet goes, I try to watch my sugar and starch intake and eat a little more protein. I fall of the wagon all the time, but at least I am aware of what I need to do in order to get back in shape. It is a struggle, but it is not as bad as you might think. With a few minor adjustments you will be able to stay with it, and that’s a good thing. Your kids need you around. Stay in shape and let your kids know that you are not only doing it for yourself, but also for them as well.

No I’m not remarried. Based upon my past history I may never get married again. That is not a knock on my Judy who is the most wonderful, beautiful, understanding and compassionate woman I have ever been with. Both of us have children who we love like there is no tomorrow. She has two boys and a girl, I have two girls. Judy’s daughter Randi is married and is pregnant and working on a family of her own. Her other two boys are 22 and 19. Danny still lives at home, and Ben is a freshman at Dartmouth. Yeah, Ivy league. I have two daughters, Sarah and Grace who both live with their mother. Sarah is almost 17 and Grace is 11. Christmas has become a wonderful time for me. It wasn’t always that way, but it is now. I love spending Christmas day with my kids, exchanging gifts and enjoying a wonderful Christmas meal that Judy always prepares. By the way Judy is Jewish so before she met me Christmas day meant a trip to the movies and a Chinese restaurant. Because she loves me and my children so much she makes Christmas at my house festive, joyful and a lot of fun for everybody.

The problems comes in when I have to wrangle with my ex wife during the holiday season. I usually have the kids on Christmas, but because she really wants them she can have a tendency to make life less festive. She does have the kids on Christmas Eve, when they have dinner at their aunts’ house. My kids love coming to my house on Christmas because they are the center of attention and receive their presents. It is an absolute blast for me to give them their gifts and see their eyes light up. The tension though of dealing with my ex wife can dampen their spirit and sometime mine, if I let it.

Now, some dads may be remarried, have kids from a previous marriage, have kids from their present marriage and have something called a blended family. Managing that crowd of people during the holidays may be something that you have to start preparing for right after the New Year. But, maybe not if you just make a few adjustments in your thinking as you deal with this complicated mess.

The thing I want most during the holiday season is peace. I don’t want arguments during the year and I sure don’t want them now. I can’t control my ex wife’s thought process, my God that would require a slide rule, but I can develop my own perspective on the situation. During the Thanksgiving holiday I had my Thanksgiving dinner on the Friday after Thanksgiving. My kids were with their mother on Thanksgiving day and it made it easier to manage everyone’s schedule by having dinner the day after Thanksgiving. If Christmas is going to become the same type of problem for you, try to understand that you may have to break from tradition and celebrate Christmas the day before or the day after. Believe me you will have a better time and there will be far less tension, and running around.

The world is not a perfect place. The Christmas season can make us more aware of that then any other time. Small things can become big things if we let them. Let negative comments go and focus on the kids and what you can do for them. Try to avoid financial arguments that seem to always come up during the holidays. Do your best to discuss things in a calm manner and let go of the small stuff. Money always seems to be a problem for my ex wife, not because of my lack of giving, but because of her distaste for working. Gift giving has always been my self imposed responsibility. Having different expectations of her during the holidays will only make me angry and destroy the joy that I have in giving to my kids.

Lastly, no matter how small your holiday celebration might be don’t make it a downer for your kids. Kids by their nature love the holidays, whether it be Christmas or Chanukah. Try to keep your spirits up because you love them, and want them to enjoy the season. When your kids are with you the biggest gift that you can give them is a loving dad who has tried to do whatever was necessary to make their holiday a peaceful one.

How to Feel Better During the Holidays - Feeling depressed is normal - What to do about the Holiday Blues 

I don’t think I will ever forget my first Christmas when I was separated from my ex wife and was without my kids. It was many years ago, but all I have to do is think of that day and I get sick and depressed. I saw my kids on Christmas at their house. They had plans with their mother so I gave them their presents and then I had to leave. The pain of leaving on that day was excruciating for me emotionally. I didn’t even know where I was going to go. I stopped by a good friend’s house and spent an hour or two with him and his family and then had dinner in a Chinese restaurant around 4:00 pm. I really couldn’t wait for the day to end.

The holiday season for a newly divorced dad can be a real time of sadness. What once was is no longer. We don’t wake up in the morning to the sound of the kid’s voices on Christmas day.  We wake up and the chances are its pretty quiet where we are.  It is a quiet that we can’t seem to get used to.   There is an empty feeling inside of us and we really don’t know how to fill the void. It has been said that time heals all wounds. That is true for some people, but sometimes tremendous losses take a lifetime to heal if they heal at all. Divorce can be like death. The only difference is death is final. A person who is divorced knows that the person that he/she was once married to still walks the earth. They see this person from time to time, and if they still care for the person the reminder can be too much to bear. Divorce can produce guilt, shame, heartache, depression, regret, and anger. When the holiday season starts all of these feelings seem to come crashing down on us at once. Christmas is particularly difficult because it is so festive, and it seems like everyone is having a good time except us.

The Christmas holiday can cause us as divorced dads to focus on ourselves instead of others. We can become so depressed that we obsess about the past and dwell on what once was. These emotions can be so devastating that they permeate other areas of our life, like our job, our health, our attitude about living, and it can impact the relationship that means the most to us and that’s the relationship that we have with our children.

That first Christmas for me without my children was crushing emotionally. I realized that I couldn’t bear it again. I also realized that I didn’t have the luxury of being depressed. As a dad I realized that my kids still count on me. That first Christmas was seven years ago, I vowed on that day that my kids would be with me on Christmas day. I didn’t own a home until the fifth Christmas after my divorce. I worked to be sure that the holiday for me and my children would be as festive as I could possibly make it. I made sure that I arranged my bills so buying gifts for my kids would not be a problem. I decorated my house, and made it look like Christmas when my kids came over. The biggest thing that helped me during those very depressing times was God. I heard God say to me on more than one occasion, “Jim, this goes with the territory, and I am putting you are in charge of this territory. I am here to help you but ultimately you have to take the responsibility to make sure that you don’t suffer again. I love you Jim and I don’t want you to suffer.” As a divorced dads on Christmas we are going to have our ups and downs. Only we can decide how many of each we are going to have. Just remember we have plenty of help.

As a dad nothing gives me more pleasure than attending school events. When my daughter Sarah was on the track team I used to love to go to her track meets. I watched my 11 year old daughter Grace develop into a wonderful soccer player, this past season she was recognized as the most valuable player on her team. School events are especially fun, especially the ones that are held during the Christmas and Hanukkah season.

Last night I attended Grace’s holiday concert and I have to tell you I had a great time. The fifth and sixth grades put on one of the best shows I think I ever attended. There was singing, dancing, ballet, solo acts, and comedy. It was absolutely fabulous. There were two shows, and I stayed and watched the second show also, that’s how good the performance was.

I must admit that attending some of these shows in the past usually put me to sleep, and at times I would be nudged by someone to stop snoring. Last night I didn’t want the show to end. I realize that at times it is tough to attend these events. Schedules always seem to get in the way for a dad. Do yourself and your kids a favor, the next time the school has an event, clear your schedule and attend it. Grace was thrilled that I was there. They will always tell you that they are happy that you were there; they know that you are proud of them, and your attendance shows that you are. They never seem to say anything when you are not in attendance, at least not at the time. We usually find out how they wish you saw them in the school play when they are married with their own kids. That’s not something any of us as dads want to hear. Remember something, no person on their death bed ever wishes that they had spent more time at work. Do the right thing.

This afternoon, I went to my 11 year old daughter Grace’s school conference, and it was wonderful. She is doing so well, and I am so proud of her, you don’t know. She is progressing in math, and doing excellent in all of her other subjects. I called Grace when I left the conference and told her that I was going to be picking her up. She was playing with a friend and asked me if I could take her and her friend to McDonalds. Was she kidding? I live for this. Unfortunately, her friend couldn’t go. But Grace wasn’t disappointed. She said, “I really just wanted to spend the time with you dad.” I love it when she says that to me.

By the time I got over to pick Grace up, my 16 year old daughter Sarah was home from school. I had promised her the night before that I would take her to the grocery store to pick up a few items. She’s working out now at a gym, and believe it or not, she consults me for her work out schedule and her diet. We went to the store and picked up some fruit, yogurt, cottage cheese, and salad fixings. Sarah has her permit now, so she drove us to the grocery store. I have to be careful that I don’t give her too much credit for her driving ability. She’s good, but she is a kid, and needs to be taught how to handle the more difficult road situations. Honestly, when I look at her behind the wheel, she looks like she’s 12 years old. I’m never sure if she really hears me when I give her driving tips. I get those short answers from her like okay, right dad, and I know. Is she listening to me? I don’t know. We got the groceries, and I drove her home. She got herself together, and then we drove to pick up her friends so I could drive them to the gym. I dropped them off. Then I drove back to my house to sleep over. We stopped at McDonalds on the way, picked up dinner, and brought it to my house. We ate dinner, then sat down at the table to do homework. It makes all the difference in the world to just sit at the table with her while she does her work. It shows her that I’m there in case she needs my help, and it also shows that I mean business- that I expect her to do her homework. When I saw she was done, we went in the den and put on the TV. Then we got down the Christmas lights, and had a great time, laughing and joking around. Then I sat down in my recliner in front of the TV. She always lets me doze off in my chair. When she gets tired herself she wakes me up and we go to bed. It’s 4:17 in the morning as I write this post. She is still asleep. I love having her here when I wake up in the morning.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel like I spend more time with my kids now than I ever did when I was married. It can be done, but as a father I have come to realize that I need to just do it no matter what, and not think about how tired I am or that I just don’t feel like making the drive to pick them up. As I said earlier “I live for this.”

My 11 year old daughter Grace called me at 7:00 this morning. She wanted to know if I was picking her up today. I told her that I had to go to her school for the parent teacher conference at 2:00 this afternoon, and that I would be over to get her after that. Even though I know that Grace likes to spend time with me it’s always a major relief when she calls and wants to know if I’m picking her up. I think because I’m divorced, this means even more to me.

I didn’t always have this joy and pleasure of having both my girls, Sarah (she’s 16) and Grace with me as much as I do now . When I first got separated I didn’t have a place for my kids to go. I was living on my sister’s couch, and then I went to a pretty crummy winter rental in a shore town. So there wasn’t any place for them to sleep. I did buy a small condo after about 2 yeas, but at that point, my ex-wife wasn’t allowing me to take my children overnight. For 4 years after I was separated and then divorced, I picked up my daughter Sarah every Tuesday and Thursday after school, and then all day Saturday. On those days, Sarah and I would go shopping, do some homework, and then go out for a bite to eat. On Saturday I would try to have an activity planned but that wasn’t always possible either. I did my best. That’s all I can say.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were always especially difficult times for me because my children always spent those days with their mother. Needless to say I didn’t really have the holiday spirit. Then about four years ago I bought my own house and moved much closer to where they lived. That was a turning point for me. The main thing that happened was that I developed a routine with Grace, and she started to sleep over on Tuesdays and Thursdays. (Unfortunately, Sarah wasn’t much interested in coming over.)I started to feel excited when the holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas approached. The only thing that I cared about was that my children would be with me. Tonight for instance I will get down the Christmas decorations from the attic and Grace will help me test the Christmas lights to see if they all work. We will put out some decorations, tell jokes, and talk about what we’re going to do for the holidays because we know that we’re all going to be together. On Thanksgiving day my kids will still be with their mother, but I have my own tradition of celebrating Thanksgiving on Friday. This is great because I get to celebrate Thanksgiving with all the fixins with my children and they don’t have to feel bad on Thursday because they’ll be celebrating the holiday with me on Friday. As a matter of fact I just invited my sister Kathy and her husband Hank to join us, and I’m really hoping they’ll be with me at my Thanksgiving dinner too.

Please, please don’t misunderstand me. This is not the ideal situation, but I think I’m making the best of my lot as a divorced dad. People who are divorced and have kids struggle through the holidays, and I think we dads can become very depressed. I believe that it goes with the territory. We have to make the very best of the situation and always remember that we have to do everything with our children in mind.