Get Your Bullying Report Online Right Now!

Many years ago when my oldest daughter Sarah was about 4 years old a good friend of mine told me that girls were easier to raise than boys. I don’t have any boys and my daughter is now 17 and I am not so sure that this statement is all true. One thing I do know is that I hate to see my daughter upset. I don’t mean mildly upset, that just goes with being a teenager, but upset to the point of tears. This happened to me the other night when I was in the car with Sarah and she received a text message from one of her friends. The text message said that this friend wanted to talk to her about something. Sarah couldn’t get in touch with the girl that sent the text message so she called another one of the girls in their group of friends. She has been friends with 4 girls for about the last two years. These girls do everything together. Hang out mostly as Sarah calls it. They go to parties together, study together, drive to school together, and yes, they get into trouble once in a while together.

When Sarah called one of the girls up the girl told her that all four girls were upset with her because they were starting to view her as being selfish, and annoying. My daughter was blindsided by this information and really didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what they were talking about. I asked her if she thought this information was true. She told me no. I then asked her if she thought she might have a couple of blind spots and the girls were possibly seeing something in her that she just didn’t see in herself. She said no, and I must say she did a pretty convincing job backing up what she told me. The question is this; how do you as a dad offer a teenage daughter advice in situations like these? I am no expert but, I believe that I did a pretty good job of helping her based upon the outcome.

Teenage girls always seem to like to be connected to some group outside their family. Teenage boys like the connection also, but a boy’s connection is usually with some type of sports team, or club. Girls like to be connected to each other. The longer this connection lasts the greater the chance that their weaknesses will be exposed, and for sure they will start engaging in rumors, and gossiping about one another. Girls also tend to become more jealous in these relationships if a boy becomes involved in this mix, and is dating one of the girls. Once one of the girls has an opinion about someone else in their group they will bend over backward to try and convince the other members of the group that it is true. They will even search for the evidence to prove their point. This behavior becomes crushing and emotionally painful to the girl who is being ganged up on, as was the case with my daughter.

What can you do when your daughter confides in you enough to tell you what is going on? First, listen, and I mean listen well. Find out all the facts and please don’t react or condemn your daughter. Don’t say to her you better change your ways. If you are condemning her it’s a good chance that that’s the reason why she looking for connections to other people outside the family. The next thing is to love her to death with your actions and words. My comment to my daughter was, I like everything about you. I like how you talk and I like how you act. Help her understand that you are her biggest fan. Let her know that she doesn’t have to apologize for something that she truly believes she is not guilty of. I mean are these girls the only one with an opinion? Of course if she feels as if she has done something to offend someone realize the mistake, apologize, and move on.

Tell your daughter that long term relationships give everyone an opportunity to show their true colors. These relationships may be nice at first, but the longer that a person is in them the greater the chance that the true character of someone will pop up. That’s when a person has to decide if they want to stay friends with someone who is not a very loyal friend. Tell your daughter to stand tall, hold her head up, and don’t let them see you cry, and that you will be there to help her do all of these.

Adolescent relationships are a growth process. There is pain that can come from being hurt by a so called friend. Guess what by the time your daughter is 22 she will have the savvy to manage this type of crap and she won’t be emotionally immature when it comes down to relationships. All friendships are not intimate, and by that I mean a relationship that involves a person’s heart, mind, and soul. The relationships that your daughter has with someone in high school might be viewed by her as intimate, but it’s probably not as close as she thinks that it is. Relationships have a continuum that go from, acquaintance, friend, close friend, and then intimate friend. An intimate friend is usually someone that is a life long friend that can celebrate with you when your happy, support you when you are sad, and really love you for who you are.

By the way after I offered my daughter some of my wisdom, which took me two days to do, she said to me “I really love you dad,” and she was happier than I have seen her in a long while. When I was alone, I cried, yes I cried again. I am such a big baby.

I do a show on blogtalkradio.com called The Dad Talk Zone almost every day at 4:30 pm EST. I have been talking about some of the more conservative and traditional parenting methods that were used 40 years ago. I’ve looked at the changes that have occurred in society and often wonder why anyone would want to become more liberal and permissive in the parenting of their children. The show is called “The Ramblings of a Dinosaur” which is the title of a new book that will be our sometime in the summer. The reason for the title is sometimes I feel like a dinosaur, a person whose ideas just don’t seem to fit anymore. I published several articles on my other blog behavioral-management.com about my upbringing and the conservative way that children were raised during the early sixties. I think they are worth republishing here just to give dads an idea that traditional and conservative approaches to parenting aren’t all bad.

HE WASN’T CHEAP, HE CARED

My parents owned a bar and from the time I can remember which was about four years old I spent my time sitting on a bar stool. Most kids were playing with their friends or some toys that they had I was always talking to strangers and playing with beer boxes. It did have its advantages, like as I got older I had a built in job and I really learned how to talk to adults. You always had to agree with them because you did not want to lose them as a customer. Always polite always considerate and never giving anyone a hard time, of course I learned how to curse like a sailor at a very young age and got a taste of beer when I was about ten years old. The place had its characters that were both humorous and sad at the same time. I always thought it was normal for a guy to spend 4 or 5 hours drinking at the end of a work day before they went home. Many times as I got older I would drive some guy home who was to drunk to drive. When I got him home I found out why he spent that amount of time in the bar after work, his wife was less than happy to see him when he got there not because he was drunk she just didn’t like the guy.

One of the things I loved as a kid was the fact that there was always cash around. I would ask my dad for a dime or a quarter and he would reach into the till and hand it over. One warm summer evening around 5 o’clock I asked my dad for a quarter and he said “no.” I asked again and he said “no.” I finally said “c’mon dad please.” He did not give in. I got as mad as an 11 year old could get and walked out passing four customers sitting at the bend in the bar right by the door and on my way out I said “CHEAP.” As soon as I said this I knew I was in trouble and I tried to think of words that sounded like cheap that I could use to try and convince him that he just heard wrong. Then I had to find a way to get back in without him seeing me. There was only one way in and that was through the bar. Well I rode my bike for a while and then decided to try and get passed the blockade. When I got back to the bar the bar was closed. The bar that was open 364 days a year was closed. He locked the door and made me knock to get in. I knocked on the door and he opened it. I asked him to hold the door open so I could bring in my bike. He stood there grabbed me by the arm and said to me “What did you say on the way out of here.” I told him I said “cheap.” The grip on my arm got tighter and he said to me “After all the nickels, dimes, and quarters I have given you call me cheap.” I said “sorry dad.” He then loosened his grip and told me to go upstairs. My dad took a break around 7o’clock for dinner and took a nap until 9 when he went back downstairs to work. Around 8:30 I learned the biggest lesson of my life. He called me into his bedroom and sat me down. My dad said to me “Do you know why I locked the door to the bar after you left.” I said “no.” He said to me “After you left the bar the four guys who heard what you said started talking about you and what an ungrateful and selfish kid you were, and I couldn’t take it. I had to put them out, I just got sick hearing them talk like this about my son.” My dad put those guys out in my defense and because of the ache he felt in his heart. My dad used my own stupidity as a time to teach me that I can’t say anything I want and he wanted me to understand that whether or not I think anybody else hears my comments doesn’t matter, somebody hears and starts to develop a perception of you as a person. I never forgot this lesson. You see all along I thought those guys would ride my dad on what a cheapskate they thought he was because he would not give me a quarter. I was so wrong. As I look at this story all I can think of is the way kids speak to their parents today at a younger age than I way when I called my dad cheap. Kids didn’t just wake up one day and decide that they were going to be rude to their parents. This has happened so slowly it was almost unrecognizable at first but now we ask “What are we going to do with these kids.” I named this essay “Cheap” because of how ironic it is that I called my father cheap in front of his customers when he truly was not cheap, and I ended up feeling cheap, and deservingly so, when my father was done with me. Even though it is cheap to sit a kid down and talk to him today the way my dad did, does anyone take the time to do it anymore?

I don’t think that there is any child who wouldn’t like to hear the words, “Your dad is a really nice guy” spoken about his or her father. Sometimes kids have a different view of their father than other people do, and it takes someone else to remind them that hey, my dad is an all right guy. Hearing those words from a teacher or from anyone of significance can change a child’s attitude about his/her father, build security, develop greater respect for the father, and motivate a child to work harder in school. 

My dad never went to many parent/teacher conferences. I remember a few when I was in elementary school that he attended and only one that he attended when I was in high school. The conference that he attended in high school was held during the day. I was home on a half day and I remember him telling me that he was headed up to the school to talk to my teachers. I must say I was a little nervous not because of any bad reports, but because I think as an adolescent boy I was always afraid of my father sticking his foot in his mouth and saying or doing something that would embarrass me. I was never concerned about how my father looked. He was always impeccably dressed. His starched shirts, perfectly tied tie, Hickey Freeman sports jacket, and diamond tie pin were all every day wear for my dad. He always looked great.

He came home from the conference and said very little to me. When I asked him what teachers he spoke with he went over them in the order that he saw them and let me know that they all had some good things to say about me as a person and as a student. We left it at that and I figured that all was well, and it was. I went to school the next day and went to my classes. I had a Spanish II class in the afternoon that was loaded with many of my friends that I hung around with. The teacher’s name was Mrs. Barrett, a young teacher that all the boys were crazy about. She lectured for about 10 minutes of the class, and then gave us some seat work for us to complete. She moved around the room to check our work and to make sure we were on task and doing the assignment. She came down my row, and stopped in back of my seat; she leaned down by my left ear and whispered the following comment, “Your dad is a really nice guy.” I looked up and nodded my head in appreciation. No one else heard what she said to me. I believe that she didn’t want to embarrass me in front of my buddies. Nothing else was said, the class ended and I went to my next class. One might think that this small statement was inconsequential, but it wasn’t, I still remember it to this day. I worked harder in her class after that than I did in my other classes and received an A for the course. I wanted to please her because of the opinion that she had of a very significant person in my life, my dad. I am now 53 years old and have 2 daughters Sarah and Grace. I still believe that the opinion that their teachers have of me is important to the success of my daughters. I also believe that how I present myself when I am out with my daughters is important. No, I don’t wear starched shirts every day, or perfectly tied tie or a sport coat when I am with my daughters. But, I do know that looking groomed and neat is something that is important to them. There is no doubt that our children feel good when they hear nice things about their dad. We just have to be sure that we live up to the billing in our own home. It doesn’t do us any good if the whole world thinks that we are patient and kind if we constantly blow our top and ridicule our children at home. As dads we have to be ready to present ourselves to others in a manner that will make our kids feel proud of who we are and proud that we are their dad. The words, “Your dad is a really nice guy” is a statement that that your children will carry with them for a lifetime and remember as they grow older. 

I worked all weekend in North Jersey. By the time I was done working I was exhausted and didn’t really feel like myself. I was supposed to pick up my daughter Grace at 5:30 in the afternoon. I had to call her and tell her that I just couldn’t make it. She was so understanding that it stooped any guilty feelings that I was experiencing from just thinking that I didn’t want to make the trip 30 miles further south on the Garden State Parkway. My oldest daughter Sarah is usually involved with her friends and I talk with her about three times per week. Rarely do I get a call from her, I usually call her. About 7:30 at night I had already dozed off in my easy chair. I was woken by the ringing of the phone. It was Sarah. I must say that I was happy to hear from her but usually when I do there is a problem. When I answered the phone she didn’t have a problem but was she concerned about how I felt. We ended up in a conversation for about 1 hour, and spoke about all kinds of stuff. By the time I got off the phone I was wide awake, and wasn’t even thinking about feeling lousy. It was a case for me where one phone call did the trick.

I love my children, whether I hear from them or not. I know that they have activities that they are involved in and whether I was divorced or not they would be caught up in their own lives, and would be having fun with their friends. The topic of my conversation with Sarah didn’t really matter; it was the fact that she made the decision to call me that did. She also told me how much she loved me. I told her that this conversation would energize me for the next three days. I need to hear these things from my children. It makes me feel like I did something right. God knows that after a divorce I can certainly feel like I did many things wrong.

It doesn’t matter what your age is, if your parents are alive do yourself and them a favor, call them up and just let them know that you love them. For some reason parents will always question how well they did raising their kids. Usually guilt is something that they are plagued with because they just wish that they had done a better job. Ease their pain a little, because it could be that one phone call will do the trick.

Letters to my daughter is a series of letters that I will be writing to my daughters, Sarah and Grace during the year 2008. These letters will express my feelings for my children, and will be read by them. They will offer advice at times, but the real reason why I am writing them is just to let my daughters know how much I love them. Too often a father doesn’t say enough to his children. My feeling is if you can’t say it, write it. Your children will have them for a lifetime. These letters will be published during the first week of every month. One will be written to Sarah and the other to Grace. Please don’t read them for content. Read them and decide what you need to write to your own children, and then take the time to do it.

Principles of Spiritual Maturity

I first published this article on my blog at behavioral-management.com. I think it’s worth looking at again since we are talking about staying balanced. It’s also good to look at this and consider where we are in this area for the New Year.

Going to a Catholic Church and to a Catholic School were all an important part of my up bringing. My parents raised me as a Catholic and we went to church every Sunday. It didn’t matter if my parents had a brawl the night before, or even if they had a brawl on Sunday morning before church. We all got dressed up and walked over to St. Joseph Church like one happy family. I did learn something. I learned to believe in God, and all of the tenants of the Catholic faith. I learned what the Catholic Church called sin. The venial sins were the small ones, and the mortal sins were the big ones. I grew up believing that when God created Adam and Eve they were created as Catholics. I had a deep respect and still do for nuns and priests I watched as the nuns stopped wearing their traditional habits that all nuns wore at the time and tried to see how far above their knee they could wear their dresses. I know that the priests enjoyed watching this contest. I also had a great time talking to all the priests in school, in the community and in my fathers bar. Two of the priests were my father’s drinking buddies. They also attended AA meetings with my father. I received communion, got confirmed, went to confession, and then graduated from the eighth grade. That was the end of my religious experience.

My parents did what they could to provide a religious experience for me. The thing that they didn’t do was provide a spiritual experience. The religious experience that I had was one where I participated in the traditions of the Catholic Church. Most of the time I didn’t know why I did what I did; I just did it. The participation was confined to Sunday morning, and it didn’t really matter what happened during the other six days. I was never taught how to take the teachings of the faith and develop a set of spiritual principles that would become my value system as I grew older. I never really matured spiritually.

People usually turn to God for help when their foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them. Sometimes God needs to do things to us to get our attention. The spiritually mature person doesn’t have to turn to God when things get tough, because they believe God is standing right next to them. They don’t scream Oh God, when they are fearful of life, they only have to whisper and they have the faith that He hears their words. Why do some people have this ability to be at peace even in the face of adversity, and tragedy? I don’t believe that spiritual maturity is something that just happens. A person doesn’t wake up one morning and find themselves with a renewed outlook on life. It is something that has to be cultivated from the bottom up. The roots have to be developed and then a person will begin to see the flowers. In my case I didn’t start this process until I was 30 years old. From the time I was about 17 years old I never could figure out what I believed in. I believed there was a God, but I didn’t have a value system or a commitment to any source that would help to inspire, or uplift me on a regular basis. Whenever a wave of life would hit me I would reach into the chambers of my soul and discover that there wasn’t anything there that I could use to help me deal with life’s problems. I never made the connection between spiritual maturity and overall maturity as a person. A spiritually mature person knows how to take the spiritual dimension and apply the principles of their belief system to their life on a daily basis. I have always enjoyed The Serenity Prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” In order for me to accept things and to develop wisdom I needed to plug into source to draw from and to gain daily inspiration. I found that the daily reading of the scriptures helped me gain insights into the battles of life and offered answers to questions that I otherwise never would have been able to come up with on my own. I would discover verses in scripture that I would meditate on and make them part of my prayer and thought life. The evangelist Martin Luther once said, “I have so much to do today, that I will have to spend two hours praying instead of one.” Scripture reading and prayer became a source for me to draw energy from, attain wisdom from, and to get the daily emotional strength I needed to manage my day.

Many people gain energy and insights from other areas. Inspirational literature, walks in the park, or even melodious music can inspire some. A fundamental belief system that gives a person a path to follow and that can make them almost unflappable and have inner peace is very private and very different for each person. There are certain core principles that spiritually mature people have adopted as a part of life. These principles are in the silent chambers of a person’s heart, and I believe that they are universal to everyone. When the ground starts to quake a person who has a strong core understands the reason for the earth quake and has the confidence that there is a way out.

Self Acceptance

Spiritually mature people have learned how to like themselves and value the differences in themselves. They have an understanding that they were created in a unique way. They don’t wish for what they don’t have, and are grateful for the things that they do have. As a young man I often wondered why I had the parents I had. I often wished that they were different and even sometimes wished that I had a different set of parents. I often wondered why I was stuck with two sisters, and didn’t have a brother. Sometimes I thought about how I wished I was taller, had bigger bones, and was smarter. When I was about 30, I came to grips with the fact that some things in life are unchangeable. When my own children start to complain about me or their mother I usually say to them, “Sorry we’re the only game in town; you can’t trade us in for another set.”

Spiritually mature people accept who they are. They realize that they wouldn’t be on this earth if their parents didn’t bring them into the world, and they accept their individual features that make them who they are.

The Balance of Power

Spiritually mature people understand the balance of power. In other words they know who is in charge and why certain people are in charge. I heard a great talk on leadership once at an administrator’s conference in Washington, DC. The speaker made a statement that really stuck with me. His statement was, “In order to be a good leader you have to be a good follower first.” Spiritually mature people know how to follow orders and work in any system without moaning and groaning, and don’t making statements like, “Why do we have to do this?” or better yet, “Why is he/she doing this?” They also don’t talk about their bosses behind their back. It is human nature to wonder why someone is doing something. Spiritually mature people know how to go to their boss and discuss things face to face.

Why do spiritually mature people have this ability? I believe it’s because they really know who is in absolute charge, and that’s God. They know that God has placed this person in charge of them for a reason, and if they have a problem with their boss they might as well have a problem with God, and they don’t want to take that chance. They have learned how to separate the person from the position. They respect their boss’s position, but in their heart they know that they don’t always have to like who he/she is as a person. They know that God will honor their compliance, loyalty, and respect for the person in charge and they believe that they will be blessed beyond measure for being a good employee.

Spiritually Mature People Can Forgive Others

Spiritually Mature people know how to forgive others. I battle this all the time. I know in my heart that I have to forgive others. I know that it is not good to hold a grudge. I say to myself you have to forgive, for your own good, you have to forgive. My problem comes in when I can’t forget. The longer I dwell on someone or something the angrier I become and ultimately I become bitter. This bitterness affects me and those around me. I will admit that this feeling can consume me at times. I might even look to get even with the person who I feel wronged me. Sometimes when I sleep I am told that I make statement like, “wait until you see what I’m going to do to these people.” Forgiveness is a sign of spiritual maturity. Lack of forgiveness can paralyze a person causing obsessive thoughts that impact a person’s ability to function on a day to day basis.

Spiritually mature people know that the object of their bitterness will be dealt with by God. They know how to forgive and forget. Sometimes they not only forget but they work to restore the relationship between themselves and others. They don’t allow themselves to fall into the trap of unforgiveness for a minute because they know that it is something that could impact them for a lifetime.

If you have ever been under pressure on the job, or financially you know how this can affect your mood and ultimately your relationship with your children. Children love to play guessing games, but they don’t like to play the game if they have to guess the mood that you are in that day. Our emotional state can determine the climate of our home and have either a positive or negative impact on our interaction with our children. Our children are absolutely watching us and are learning how to cope with life based upon the emotional model that we give them. Mood swings, angry outbursts, and depression are all too real for a dad and are very real for a divorced dad who is trying to live a reasonable life style himself, pay child support, deal with his ex wife, and maintain a good relationship with his children. Trying to keep your emotional index balanced is something that needs to be worked on a daily basis.

Historically men have been taught that they shouldn’t show their emotions. That doesn’t mean that they don’t have emotions, these emotions just go somewhere else. A man might withdraw, be short tempered, get physical with his kids, or even drink when he’s under pressure. Their kids see this and start to walk around on egg shells wondering what to say and how to act. The children get confused and begin to feel insecure when their dad is around. They almost live in fear. They want to please their dad but really don’t know how because he is so inconsistent emotionally.

I experienced this first hand with my dad who was a drinker. My dad wasn’t a daily drinker but more of a binge drinker who would disappear from time to time to go off on one of his benders. I never wanted to upset him because I didn’t want to feel responsible for his drinking. I always watched what I did and said because I never wanted to be the cause of him leaving. If he did go off and drink I would wonder what I or another family member did that set him off. Young children often don’t know why their dad is in a bad mood. The horror of it all is that children will blame themselves for the mood that their dad is in.

As fathers we have to commit ourselves to being emotionally balanced. That doesn’t mean that things aren’t going to upset us, it means that we are going to be aware of what is upsetting us. If work is the problem or if finances are the problem then we need to focus on the solution and take the steps that are necessary to solve the problem. We can’t allow our emotions to interfere with the most important relationship we will ever have in our lives, and that’s with our children.

As parents we are always concerned about how our child is doing in school. If our child comes home and has bad grades, or if we get a call from the teacher with a report that our child is not working up to his/her potential we get worried and we get concerned. We might start to sit with him/her and do homework, or help our child study for tests and quizzes. We place a high priority on our child’s education, and we should. The problem comes in when we start to see some progress and we turn down the pressure, and our child falls right back into the old habits again. As a dad I am not very different, really. Once I am not under pressure to do something, I usually don’t do it either. If I don’t have to learn something, the chances are I am not going to take the time to learn it. Usually when I have a problem I do some reading and research to try and find out the best way to manage, but if I didn’t have the problem I probably wouldn’t even bother to study the topic.
I was sitting with my daughter Grace one evening; we were doing her math homework. She’s in the 5th grade. I am a retired teacher and administrator. I had all kinds of problems understanding the work that she was doing. I was almost embarrassed by my inability to help her. Oh, I can add, subtract, multiply, and divide, but what she was doing had me at a loss. I almost felt like I had to go to school with Grace and sit in her class in order to learn this stuff myself. I had to call my friend Judy and have her explain to me how to solve some of the math problems.
There will come a time when I won’t be able to help Grace with her work because the work that she will be doing will be way over my head. My daughter Sarah is all advanced placement and honors classes in high school. I definitely can’t help her with her work. Sarah has developed the study habits that are necessary in order to do the work independent of me. Grace needs to develop the same study habits, and academic work ethic to be able to work independently.
I need to see to it that Grace develops into an independent learner. She definitely is bright enough to be a successful student. I’m concerned right now because I really don’t see Grace that interested in learning or reading. I think I need to make some changes myself. Grace needs to view me as person who wants to stay sharp mentally. I need to be more of a model for Grace. I need to read more and develop reading as a daily habit. I need to place the same priority on my own education. I want both Grace and Sarah to view education as a part of life and not just something that occurs when they are in school. As a dad I really am my children’s first teacher. The best way for them to learn from me is for them to se me as a student. I need to stay sharp and balanced mentally and model for them the type of student I want them to become.

With the holidays right around the corner it is real easy to get out of whack. If you guys have been listening to blogtalkradio you know that I just did a five part series on having a balanced life. I took this information from Stephen Covey’s book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Covey speaks in his books about the four dimensions of life, physical, mental, social/emotional, and spiritual and how important it is to stay balanced in all four areas. I am not a nutritionist or a personal trainer but I do know that the first dimension is real important for me. The minute I start to eat wrong and neglect an exercise program my blood pressure goes up along with my weight. At 53 years old this is not something that is good for me or my kids.

There are so many diet and exercise programs out there that it can become overwhelming sometimes to try and figure out which one is best for you. Often when we think of exercise we think of the cost of joining a gym, and rearranging our life in order to fit it in to our schedule. I have discovered that that’s not the case at all. After a lot of trial and error I have found that a brisk walk three time a week along with a little strength training helps keep my weight down and provides me with the extra energy to devote to the things that are the most important to me and that’s my kids.

As far as diet goes, I try to watch my sugar and starch intake and eat a little more protein. I fall of the wagon all the time, but at least I am aware of what I need to do in order to get back in shape. It is a struggle, but it is not as bad as you might think. With a few minor adjustments you will be able to stay with it, and that’s a good thing. Your kids need you around. Stay in shape and let your kids know that you are not only doing it for yourself, but also for them as well.

From the time I was 19 years old I used to wonder if I were to die tomorrow, what would people say about me at my funeral. How would I be eulogized and more importantly who would want to eulogize me? Who would be the people that would have something to say about me? I’ve been to enough funerals to know that people don’t disrespect the dead by saying negative things about the person in the coffin. Unless of course, you have an ex wife/husband who hates your guts. People say things like, “He was a great guy,” or people reminisce about the good times that they had with the person, or they talk about a contribution that the person made to their life. I usually get a kick out of the folks who comment about what a great job the undertaker did embalming the body. I’ve heard things like, “Boy does he look great, doesn’t he look like himself.”

One thing is for sure and that is life is short and death is certain. Life is so short that I am sure that people wish that they had said some of the things about the dead person to the person when he was alive. Unfortunately that’s not the case. All too often we wait so long to express how we really feel about a person, and then it becomes too long because the person dies. This is one instance where saving the best for last just doesn’t work.

As a father of two daughters I have been told by them that they believe that I am going to be around for a long time. That really is just their way of saying take care of yourself dad, because we want and need you to be around. I don’t think that they will get caught up in how I died but more importantly they will think about how I lived and especially how I treated them. I have asked myself on more than one occasion, what would I want my daughters Sarah and Grace to say about me at my funeral. One thing always seems to come to mind. I would want them to remember me for being kind and loving in all that I did. I want to be remembered for not just saying that I loved them but for expressing my love in how I treated them.

There are other people too who have been in my life, Judy my long time companion, my two sisters, and two brother-in-laws. As I thought about what I would want them to say the same thing came to mind. “Jim was a kind and loving brother. “Oh, I’m sure they will say other things, but to me that’s just window dressing.

As a retired teacher and even as a principal I am sure that some will find out that I kicked the bucket and make a decision to come and pay their respects. I am sure that they will say one or two nice things about me. But I don’t think they’re going to say that Jim was kind and loving in all that he did. If I could turn back the clock and I had another shot at being a kinder person to the people that I worked with, I would. I am sure that I made some enemies when I worked as a school administrator. If I had been kind and compassionate during those years, I wouldn’t have any enemies.

But I’m not dead, and believe you me I hope my kids are correct in their prophesy, that I am going to be around for a long time. I still have time to make sure that my kids have only the best things to say about me when I do kick the bucket, and that’s a real comforting thought. I still can be kind and loving. I still can say I’m sorry if I wasn’t kind or loving enough. Why is being kind and loving the thing I want to be remembered for? Well, I have had enough arguments in my life, and being kind and loving is not something that anyone can argue with.