My daughter Sarah is going through the college application process and I came across this info on collegeboard.com. I think that it is worth a read.

All parents want to aid and protect their children. The best thing we can do for kids, though, is teach them how to help themselves. Read on for ways to help your child develop into a successful adult.

1. Encourage Public Speaking

Taking a speech class or joining the debate team can serve a number of purposes for teens. Developing the ability to stand up in front of a group and make themselves heard is key to boosting kids’ self-esteem as well as their communication skills. Learning the appropriate way to speak to a variety of audiences is also important, as high school students need to know how to address peers, teachers, and employers.

2. Practice Negotiation

High school students are looking for more freedom and independence. Rather than setting all the house rules, have a family planning session for rule setting. By involving kids in determining regulations, parents teach them the invaluable skills of fair compromise and negotiation with authority figures.

3. Model Time Management and Organizational Skills

Children learn from what they see. If parents are late and disorganized, their kids generally follow suit. Post a calendar that highlights individual and group appointments and plans. Use a weekly planner, and make to-do lists. In short, model being organized for your child.

4. Teach Self-Sufficiency

The more kids do for themselves, the more confident they’ll be when it comes to handling themselves in new situations. Show teens how to do laundry. Make them responsible for a family meal each week. Ultimately, this will make them more independent.

5. Encourage Independence at School

Teens need to take responsibility for their academic careers. They should be keeping track of assignments and due dates, communicating independently with counselors and teachers, and participating in the extracurricular activities of their choice. Clearly, parental advice is appropriate at times. However, teens appreciate room to succeed, or to make mistakes, on their own.

6. Listen With an Open Mind

Of course, kids sometimes disagree with their parents. Those who fear disapproval or punishment often hide the truth or avoid discussing important topics. Teens who are confident that they can talk to their parents without a major blow-up are more likely to be forthcoming. In the end, young people who feel good about expressing themselves at home will be more prepared to express themselves in difficult situations.

7. Provide Structure

Although they may bemoan the regulations of life, teens actually function better when rules are in place. Authoritative parents who require adherence to an agreed-upon set of rules, but who also encourage communication and independence, produce happy and successful kids.

8. Remember That Every Story Has Two Sides

When our kids come home with tales of woe, we need to keep in mind that we are hearing only one perspective. Before forming an opinion, get all the facts. Did the teacher really give only one day’s notice for a 10-page essay? Did the coach actually keep your child out of the game for no reason? When teens are frustrated or hurting, they may embellish the truth. Parents who know the facts can effectively help their children learn to respond to disappointing or difficult life scenarios.

9. Teach Self-Respect

When people feel good about themselves, they are able to stand up for themselves, and teenagers are no exception. Focus on helping your child develop good decision-making skills and solid self-esteem. Praise a job well done, and emphasize positive character traits. A confident child will not be afraid to speak up.

10. Teach Logical Conflict Resolution

High schoolers deal with many problems in the social and academic arenas. At a time in life when emotions run high, teens need some help figuring out how to resolve everyday dilemmas. Parents are a great resource for finding alternatives in problematic situations. Encourage and model thinking calmly and critically, so your kids learn to pick the solution that makes the most sense.

Part of being a good parent is knowing when to step in and when to give kids some space. Remember that successful people advocate for themselves. So step back when the time is right, and let your child step up.

March 3, 2008

 Dear Grace:

 I am sorry that I have been such a poor example to you recently. I have made a few mistakes and I am asking for your forgiveness. I have already spoken to you and I do know that you forgive me, but I want to write this down so I don’t forget. What you think of me means everything and I don’t want you to have a bad opinion of me. Some of the mistakes that I have made I am even too embarrassed to write about and wouldn’t want the readers of this letter to think badly of me, that’s how serious I am about my own behavior.

 I want you to be proud of me as your dad, and I will see to it that you are by the changes that I will make in my own behavior. As time goes on I want us to experience mutual pride for each other, and I believe that we will both learn from one another. I want you to tell me when I am doing something, that bothers you and I will do my best to stop doing it. You can bet that I will tell you, that to me what this relationship is all about. I have said it before, and I will say it again; you are my best friend.

I Love You Dad

I don’t think that there is any child who wouldn’t like to hear the words, “Your dad is a really nice guy” spoken about his or her father. Sometimes kids have a different view of their father than other people do, and it takes someone else to remind them that hey, my dad is an all right guy. Hearing those words from a teacher or from anyone of significance can change a child’s attitude about his/her father, build security, develop greater respect for the father, and motivate a child to work harder in school. 

My dad never went to many parent/teacher conferences. I remember a few when I was in elementary school that he attended and only one that he attended when I was in high school. The conference that he attended in high school was held during the day. I was home on a half day and I remember him telling me that he was headed up to the school to talk to my teachers. I must say I was a little nervous not because of any bad reports, but because I think as an adolescent boy I was always afraid of my father sticking his foot in his mouth and saying or doing something that would embarrass me. I was never concerned about how my father looked. He was always impeccably dressed. His starched shirts, perfectly tied tie, Hickey Freeman sports jacket, and diamond tie pin were all every day wear for my dad. He always looked great.

He came home from the conference and said very little to me. When I asked him what teachers he spoke with he went over them in the order that he saw them and let me know that they all had some good things to say about me as a person and as a student. We left it at that and I figured that all was well, and it was. I went to school the next day and went to my classes. I had a Spanish II class in the afternoon that was loaded with many of my friends that I hung around with. The teacher’s name was Mrs. Barrett, a young teacher that all the boys were crazy about. She lectured for about 10 minutes of the class, and then gave us some seat work for us to complete. She moved around the room to check our work and to make sure we were on task and doing the assignment. She came down my row, and stopped in back of my seat; she leaned down by my left ear and whispered the following comment, “Your dad is a really nice guy.” I looked up and nodded my head in appreciation. No one else heard what she said to me. I believe that she didn’t want to embarrass me in front of my buddies. Nothing else was said, the class ended and I went to my next class. One might think that this small statement was inconsequential, but it wasn’t, I still remember it to this day. I worked harder in her class after that than I did in my other classes and received an A for the course. I wanted to please her because of the opinion that she had of a very significant person in my life, my dad. I am now 53 years old and have 2 daughters Sarah and Grace. I still believe that the opinion that their teachers have of me is important to the success of my daughters. I also believe that how I present myself when I am out with my daughters is important. No, I don’t wear starched shirts every day, or perfectly tied tie or a sport coat when I am with my daughters. But, I do know that looking groomed and neat is something that is important to them. There is no doubt that our children feel good when they hear nice things about their dad. We just have to be sure that we live up to the billing in our own home. It doesn’t do us any good if the whole world thinks that we are patient and kind if we constantly blow our top and ridicule our children at home. As dads we have to be ready to present ourselves to others in a manner that will make our kids feel proud of who we are and proud that we are their dad. The words, “Your dad is a really nice guy” is a statement that that your children will carry with them for a lifetime and remember as they grow older. 

When our children are born we always wait for the milestones in their life. Their first words, and their first steps are things that we usually write down in a scrap book of sorts to keep track of their accomplishments. When they get a little older we save things like their first drawing or a card that they made for us. When they begin school we make a spot for all of the little projects that they created to bring home and give to us. Once they’re in high school we keep report cards, and progress reports and love to get those bumper stickers that say, “Proud Parent of an Honor Roll Student.” They get accepted into college, and we swell with joy, they become accomplished students, they graduate and find a great job, get married, and live productive independent lives. We talk about our children to our friends and experience the pride that only parents can feel. It’s something that comes from way down deep in our soul. To use a Yiddish term, we kvell from our children. Everything that they do makes us feel like we did a good job in raising them.

I have that feeling daily for my own children. I know that Sarah is only 17 and Grace is only 11 so my work isn’t done yet. But, one of the things that I’ve noticed as they have gotten older is that now it’s not so much the pride that I have in them, it’s the pride that I would like them to have in me. When I look at my life I wonder, do they have anything to be proud of me for? I’ve been married twice, the divorces were the result of affairs, and both of my daughters know it. I provide for them, but I always seem to have some financial problem that keeps me from having disposable income that they always seem to ask me for when I don’t have it. Yes sir, I have made my fair share of mistakes, and my struggles go with the territory. Don’t get me wrong, I do a lot of things right. A good friend of mine once told me that even bad parents do some things that are right. I don’t think that I am a bad parent. I just wish that I was a little smarter sometimes.

My youngest daughter Grace spends a lot of time with me and tells me all the time that I am her best friend. Sarah who is 17 is getting more like a woman everyday, and she has started to seek more advice from me daily.  I don’t know when the tide turned and I started seeking the approval of my kids. But I do know one thing, I want it. Not that I will go to any length to get it, but my children’s feelings for me as a person and as a dad means more to me than they could ever know. I believe that all fathers want their children to speak well of them and they want their children to have that feeling inside of them that they are glad that they have you for their father.

I recently wrote a book and submitted it to a publisher. Both of my kids knew I was writing this book and were wondering just what I was going to do with it. Grace was with me one morning and we were getting ready to go off to school. I took out the garbage, and looked at my front door and found a package sitting there. I figured it was from a bill collector. I opened the envelope and found a letter and a contract inside from the publisher telling me that he was accepting my book for publication. My best friend Grace was standing there with me to celebrate. There was nothing like it. Having Grace there at that point in time meant everything to me. My oldest daughter Sarah was in school. a little later, I took a chance thinking that she might be in lunch, and that she might answer her cell phone, and she did. I told her that a publisher was accepting my book. After she got through screaming she said to me, “Dad I am so proud of you.” I hung up the phone and wept. It was if I had made the honor roll and the roles were reversed, when she told me how proud she was of me. As we get older our kids will always measure our accomplishments, behavior, and attitudes against that of other people, and other parents. I want to give my children more things to be proud of me for before I go home to be with my creator. My daughter told me she was proud of me because I wrote a book. Hopefully one day she will be proud of me because of who I am as a father and more importantly because I am her father.