I want a car when I have my driver’s license. This is what my daughter Sarah said to me one month before she was scheduled to take her road test to get her drivers license. Wanting to play the hero I took her around to different used car dealerships and hunted for a good used car. I found 1997 or 98 Oldsmobile Regency with 36,000 miles on it. It looked mint. I bought the car and my daughter had a car to drive when she got her license yesterday. She has already hat a flat tire, when we went to change the tire no tools were found in the trunk, the spare was flat, and there was water in the spare tire wheel well. So much for playing hero, the car has to go back. I know that people have trouble with used cars all the time so this really doesn’t surprise me. The mistake that was made was giving in to the emotions of a teenage daughter who wanted a car to drive the day that she got her license. The fact that I am divorced didn’t help because sometimes the guilt of the divorce can be too much for a father to bear.

I am sure that these problems will be taken care of but the headache of dealing with it makes my face go numb from stress. A dad can go from a hero to a heal in one day. A dad can be viewed in one instance as a person who found a good deal on a car to not being thorough enough, being impulsive, and just plain stupid for not checking things out more fully. The car sits now with a tire dealer who will check out the other three tires to see if they are dry rotted.

I made a big mistake. No not by buying the car, but by believing that my daughter needed a car that quick. I love this girl too death, but sometimes decisions have to be made that will cause tears and an attitude that you are not giving me what all my friend’s parents gave them when they were ready to drive. A car is a big ticket item and needs to be shopped for over time with wisdom being used that is based upon fact not on emotion, especially the emotions of a teenage girl.

When I first started talking about the quality of compliance I used the word obedience. I got such a negative reaction from teachers and parents that I had to change the name of the quality from obedience to compliance. It seemed as if obedience was too strong a word and parents and teachers were offended by it. I still don’t think that there is anything wrong with the word obedience. Thirty years ago we demanded obedience from children.  Today we can’t even use the word, and obedience turns out to be the last thing we get from children. Well, what is the definition of compliance? Compliance is when a person does what he is told, when he is told to do it, with a good attitude. And willfulness is the opposite of the character quality of compliance.

Why is it so hard to get children to be compliant with the instructions of an adult? It is the natural tendency of children to want to explore and do things, their natural curiosity is always at work and they believe at a young age that they can do and say just about anything that they want. A parent’s first job is to teach their children the word NO. If children don’t understand what they can and cannot do, and they don’t understand the word NO they will draw the conclusion at a very young age that they can do anything they want. Believe it or not children will draw this conclusion at about the age of two. This is one of the reasons why everyone talks about the terrible two’s. Children are starting to walk and  have a natural curiosity, and want to explore just about everything, like a hot stove, or electric outlets. They want to pull on the dogs ears, or change the channel on the TV set in the middle of a show, or go into the cabinet under the sink and play with the Drano. If children don’t understand the word NO, and more importantly, if they are not corrected for their non-compliance they will begin to believe that there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. Then suddenly mom or dad get to the point that they are fed up with their children’s behavior and they start to take things away, or start to scream the word NO which leads to the child crying and throwing a temper tantrum.

I am not sure where adults got the idea that they can rationalize with a two year old and truly make that child understand their adult reasoning. The truth of the matter is they can’t. But these same children enter pre school and kindergarten and are behavior problems for the teacher from the get go. These children can’t share, stay in their seat, follow directions, or take turns. When they are disciplined for non compliance they scream and carry on like someone is cutting off their right arm. The teacher then begins to believe that there is something medically wrong with these children, like they must have ADHD, or ODD. In reality the children were just never taught the meaning of one little word, NO.

March 3, 2008

Dear Sarah:

I am sorry for all the trouble that you have had in school this past week I know things must have been awfully tough on you. I am glad that you called me up on Friday to get you out of school. I wouldn’t want you to be in an uncomfortable situation. I certainly wouldn’t want you to get into a fight or get hurt. I need you to really understand how much you are loved, by me and by your mother. We both love who you  as a person and want the very best for you. Your problem came in when you started kissing a boy at a party about a month ago, not knowing that the boy was dating another girl. I know that if you had all the facts you wouldn’t have done that, but that’s hard to explain to someone who is so angry that all they want to do is beat you up. Understand something, love can never wait to give, and lust can never wait to get. The appealing emotions that occur when you are physically involved with someone are very fleeting and they are just not worth experiencing. I really want you to learn from this experience. Life can be kind to us at times, but it also can be very cruel. Sometimes we can do something that produces life long consequences. Some decisions in life that we make don’t allow us to have a second chance. I love who you are very much. Please start using your head, and don’t place yourself in a compromising situation like this again.

I Love You

Dad

Get Your Bullying Report Online Right Now!

Many years ago when my oldest daughter Sarah was about 4 years old a good friend of mine told me that girls were easier to raise than boys. I don’t have any boys and my daughter is now 17 and I am not so sure that this statement is all true. One thing I do know is that I hate to see my daughter upset. I don’t mean mildly upset, that just goes with being a teenager, but upset to the point of tears. This happened to me the other night when I was in the car with Sarah and she received a text message from one of her friends. The text message said that this friend wanted to talk to her about something. Sarah couldn’t get in touch with the girl that sent the text message so she called another one of the girls in their group of friends. She has been friends with 4 girls for about the last two years. These girls do everything together. Hang out mostly as Sarah calls it. They go to parties together, study together, drive to school together, and yes, they get into trouble once in a while together.

When Sarah called one of the girls up the girl told her that all four girls were upset with her because they were starting to view her as being selfish, and annoying. My daughter was blindsided by this information and really didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what they were talking about. I asked her if she thought this information was true. She told me no. I then asked her if she thought she might have a couple of blind spots and the girls were possibly seeing something in her that she just didn’t see in herself. She said no, and I must say she did a pretty convincing job backing up what she told me. The question is this; how do you as a dad offer a teenage daughter advice in situations like these? I am no expert but, I believe that I did a pretty good job of helping her based upon the outcome.

Teenage girls always seem to like to be connected to some group outside their family. Teenage boys like the connection also, but a boy’s connection is usually with some type of sports team, or club. Girls like to be connected to each other. The longer this connection lasts the greater the chance that their weaknesses will be exposed, and for sure they will start engaging in rumors, and gossiping about one another. Girls also tend to become more jealous in these relationships if a boy becomes involved in this mix, and is dating one of the girls. Once one of the girls has an opinion about someone else in their group they will bend over backward to try and convince the other members of the group that it is true. They will even search for the evidence to prove their point. This behavior becomes crushing and emotionally painful to the girl who is being ganged up on, as was the case with my daughter.

What can you do when your daughter confides in you enough to tell you what is going on? First, listen, and I mean listen well. Find out all the facts and please don’t react or condemn your daughter. Don’t say to her you better change your ways. If you are condemning her it’s a good chance that that’s the reason why she looking for connections to other people outside the family. The next thing is to love her to death with your actions and words. My comment to my daughter was, I like everything about you. I like how you talk and I like how you act. Help her understand that you are her biggest fan. Let her know that she doesn’t have to apologize for something that she truly believes she is not guilty of. I mean are these girls the only one with an opinion? Of course if she feels as if she has done something to offend someone realize the mistake, apologize, and move on.

Tell your daughter that long term relationships give everyone an opportunity to show their true colors. These relationships may be nice at first, but the longer that a person is in them the greater the chance that the true character of someone will pop up. That’s when a person has to decide if they want to stay friends with someone who is not a very loyal friend. Tell your daughter to stand tall, hold her head up, and don’t let them see you cry, and that you will be there to help her do all of these.

Adolescent relationships are a growth process. There is pain that can come from being hurt by a so called friend. Guess what by the time your daughter is 22 she will have the savvy to manage this type of crap and she won’t be emotionally immature when it comes down to relationships. All friendships are not intimate, and by that I mean a relationship that involves a person’s heart, mind, and soul. The relationships that your daughter has with someone in high school might be viewed by her as intimate, but it’s probably not as close as she thinks that it is. Relationships have a continuum that go from, acquaintance, friend, close friend, and then intimate friend. An intimate friend is usually someone that is a life long friend that can celebrate with you when your happy, support you when you are sad, and really love you for who you are.

By the way after I offered my daughter some of my wisdom, which took me two days to do, she said to me “I really love you dad,” and she was happier than I have seen her in a long while. When I was alone, I cried, yes I cried again. I am such a big baby.

I don’t think that there is any child who wouldn’t like to hear the words, “Your dad is a really nice guy” spoken about his or her father. Sometimes kids have a different view of their father than other people do, and it takes someone else to remind them that hey, my dad is an all right guy. Hearing those words from a teacher or from anyone of significance can change a child’s attitude about his/her father, build security, develop greater respect for the father, and motivate a child to work harder in school. 

My dad never went to many parent/teacher conferences. I remember a few when I was in elementary school that he attended and only one that he attended when I was in high school. The conference that he attended in high school was held during the day. I was home on a half day and I remember him telling me that he was headed up to the school to talk to my teachers. I must say I was a little nervous not because of any bad reports, but because I think as an adolescent boy I was always afraid of my father sticking his foot in his mouth and saying or doing something that would embarrass me. I was never concerned about how my father looked. He was always impeccably dressed. His starched shirts, perfectly tied tie, Hickey Freeman sports jacket, and diamond tie pin were all every day wear for my dad. He always looked great.

He came home from the conference and said very little to me. When I asked him what teachers he spoke with he went over them in the order that he saw them and let me know that they all had some good things to say about me as a person and as a student. We left it at that and I figured that all was well, and it was. I went to school the next day and went to my classes. I had a Spanish II class in the afternoon that was loaded with many of my friends that I hung around with. The teacher’s name was Mrs. Barrett, a young teacher that all the boys were crazy about. She lectured for about 10 minutes of the class, and then gave us some seat work for us to complete. She moved around the room to check our work and to make sure we were on task and doing the assignment. She came down my row, and stopped in back of my seat; she leaned down by my left ear and whispered the following comment, “Your dad is a really nice guy.” I looked up and nodded my head in appreciation. No one else heard what she said to me. I believe that she didn’t want to embarrass me in front of my buddies. Nothing else was said, the class ended and I went to my next class. One might think that this small statement was inconsequential, but it wasn’t, I still remember it to this day. I worked harder in her class after that than I did in my other classes and received an A for the course. I wanted to please her because of the opinion that she had of a very significant person in my life, my dad. I am now 53 years old and have 2 daughters Sarah and Grace. I still believe that the opinion that their teachers have of me is important to the success of my daughters. I also believe that how I present myself when I am out with my daughters is important. No, I don’t wear starched shirts every day, or perfectly tied tie or a sport coat when I am with my daughters. But, I do know that looking groomed and neat is something that is important to them. There is no doubt that our children feel good when they hear nice things about their dad. We just have to be sure that we live up to the billing in our own home. It doesn’t do us any good if the whole world thinks that we are patient and kind if we constantly blow our top and ridicule our children at home. As dads we have to be ready to present ourselves to others in a manner that will make our kids feel proud of who we are and proud that we are their dad. The words, “Your dad is a really nice guy” is a statement that that your children will carry with them for a lifetime and remember as they grow older. 

When our children are born we always wait for the milestones in their life. Their first words, and their first steps are things that we usually write down in a scrap book of sorts to keep track of their accomplishments. When they get a little older we save things like their first drawing or a card that they made for us. When they begin school we make a spot for all of the little projects that they created to bring home and give to us. Once they’re in high school we keep report cards, and progress reports and love to get those bumper stickers that say, “Proud Parent of an Honor Roll Student.” They get accepted into college, and we swell with joy, they become accomplished students, they graduate and find a great job, get married, and live productive independent lives. We talk about our children to our friends and experience the pride that only parents can feel. It’s something that comes from way down deep in our soul. To use a Yiddish term, we kvell from our children. Everything that they do makes us feel like we did a good job in raising them.

I have that feeling daily for my own children. I know that Sarah is only 17 and Grace is only 11 so my work isn’t done yet. But, one of the things that I’ve noticed as they have gotten older is that now it’s not so much the pride that I have in them, it’s the pride that I would like them to have in me. When I look at my life I wonder, do they have anything to be proud of me for? I’ve been married twice, the divorces were the result of affairs, and both of my daughters know it. I provide for them, but I always seem to have some financial problem that keeps me from having disposable income that they always seem to ask me for when I don’t have it. Yes sir, I have made my fair share of mistakes, and my struggles go with the territory. Don’t get me wrong, I do a lot of things right. A good friend of mine once told me that even bad parents do some things that are right. I don’t think that I am a bad parent. I just wish that I was a little smarter sometimes.

My youngest daughter Grace spends a lot of time with me and tells me all the time that I am her best friend. Sarah who is 17 is getting more like a woman everyday, and she has started to seek more advice from me daily.  I don’t know when the tide turned and I started seeking the approval of my kids. But I do know one thing, I want it. Not that I will go to any length to get it, but my children’s feelings for me as a person and as a dad means more to me than they could ever know. I believe that all fathers want their children to speak well of them and they want their children to have that feeling inside of them that they are glad that they have you for their father.

I recently wrote a book and submitted it to a publisher. Both of my kids knew I was writing this book and were wondering just what I was going to do with it. Grace was with me one morning and we were getting ready to go off to school. I took out the garbage, and looked at my front door and found a package sitting there. I figured it was from a bill collector. I opened the envelope and found a letter and a contract inside from the publisher telling me that he was accepting my book for publication. My best friend Grace was standing there with me to celebrate. There was nothing like it. Having Grace there at that point in time meant everything to me. My oldest daughter Sarah was in school. a little later, I took a chance thinking that she might be in lunch, and that she might answer her cell phone, and she did. I told her that a publisher was accepting my book. After she got through screaming she said to me, “Dad I am so proud of you.” I hung up the phone and wept. It was if I had made the honor roll and the roles were reversed, when she told me how proud she was of me. As we get older our kids will always measure our accomplishments, behavior, and attitudes against that of other people, and other parents. I want to give my children more things to be proud of me for before I go home to be with my creator. My daughter told me she was proud of me because I wrote a book. Hopefully one day she will be proud of me because of who I am as a father and more importantly because I am her father.

I worked all weekend in North Jersey. By the time I was done working I was exhausted and didn’t really feel like myself. I was supposed to pick up my daughter Grace at 5:30 in the afternoon. I had to call her and tell her that I just couldn’t make it. She was so understanding that it stooped any guilty feelings that I was experiencing from just thinking that I didn’t want to make the trip 30 miles further south on the Garden State Parkway. My oldest daughter Sarah is usually involved with her friends and I talk with her about three times per week. Rarely do I get a call from her, I usually call her. About 7:30 at night I had already dozed off in my easy chair. I was woken by the ringing of the phone. It was Sarah. I must say that I was happy to hear from her but usually when I do there is a problem. When I answered the phone she didn’t have a problem but was she concerned about how I felt. We ended up in a conversation for about 1 hour, and spoke about all kinds of stuff. By the time I got off the phone I was wide awake, and wasn’t even thinking about feeling lousy. It was a case for me where one phone call did the trick.

I love my children, whether I hear from them or not. I know that they have activities that they are involved in and whether I was divorced or not they would be caught up in their own lives, and would be having fun with their friends. The topic of my conversation with Sarah didn’t really matter; it was the fact that she made the decision to call me that did. She also told me how much she loved me. I told her that this conversation would energize me for the next three days. I need to hear these things from my children. It makes me feel like I did something right. God knows that after a divorce I can certainly feel like I did many things wrong.

It doesn’t matter what your age is, if your parents are alive do yourself and them a favor, call them up and just let them know that you love them. For some reason parents will always question how well they did raising their kids. Usually guilt is something that they are plagued with because they just wish that they had done a better job. Ease their pain a little, because it could be that one phone call will do the trick.

January 2, 2008

Dear Sarah:

 It feels strange writing to you. I usually talk to you quite a bit, but at times I feel like you need to know how I’m doing and what is on my mind. I look forward to the New Year, and I’m sure you are also. It’s really only two short months of winter before the weather starts to change and you will be getting ready for the summer, friends, tanning, and the beach. I will be speaking to your guidance counselor at school within the next week to help you get organized for the SAT’s which will be coming up in April. You are so smart. I could never have taken the classes you are taking when I was in high school. I guess you got your brains from mom’s side of the family. I admire your intelligence and the diligent attitude you have when it comes down to your school work. I can’t help you academically but, I want you to know that I will always be by your side, helping you with the challenges that you will face as you grow older and enter your senior year in high school.

You will be driving in the next few months, something that I just can’t believe. 17 years goes by pretty fast. I can manage change better now than I could when I was younger I have to accept the fact you are growing physically and mentally and changing right before my eyes. I look forward to you and I working on life together as a team. I never really had friends when I was younger, but that’s okay. The guys and gals I hung around with in high school were fleeting acquaintances, I now think of you my best friend.

I love you.

Dad

Letters to my daughter is a series of letters that I will be writing to my daughters, Sarah and Grace during the year 2008. These letters will express my feelings for my children, and will be read by them. They will offer advice at times, but the real reason why I am writing them is just to let my daughters know how much I love them. Too often a father doesn’t say enough to his children. My feeling is if you can’t say it, write it. Your children will have them for a lifetime. These letters will be published during the first week of every month. One will be written to Sarah and the other to Grace. Please don’t read them for content. Read them and decide what you need to write to your own children, and then take the time to do it.

As parents we are always concerned about how our child is doing in school. If our child comes home and has bad grades, or if we get a call from the teacher with a report that our child is not working up to his/her potential we get worried and we get concerned. We might start to sit with him/her and do homework, or help our child study for tests and quizzes. We place a high priority on our child’s education, and we should. The problem comes in when we start to see some progress and we turn down the pressure, and our child falls right back into the old habits again. As a dad I am not very different, really. Once I am not under pressure to do something, I usually don’t do it either. If I don’t have to learn something, the chances are I am not going to take the time to learn it. Usually when I have a problem I do some reading and research to try and find out the best way to manage, but if I didn’t have the problem I probably wouldn’t even bother to study the topic.
I was sitting with my daughter Grace one evening; we were doing her math homework. She’s in the 5th grade. I am a retired teacher and administrator. I had all kinds of problems understanding the work that she was doing. I was almost embarrassed by my inability to help her. Oh, I can add, subtract, multiply, and divide, but what she was doing had me at a loss. I almost felt like I had to go to school with Grace and sit in her class in order to learn this stuff myself. I had to call my friend Judy and have her explain to me how to solve some of the math problems.
There will come a time when I won’t be able to help Grace with her work because the work that she will be doing will be way over my head. My daughter Sarah is all advanced placement and honors classes in high school. I definitely can’t help her with her work. Sarah has developed the study habits that are necessary in order to do the work independent of me. Grace needs to develop the same study habits, and academic work ethic to be able to work independently.
I need to see to it that Grace develops into an independent learner. She definitely is bright enough to be a successful student. I’m concerned right now because I really don’t see Grace that interested in learning or reading. I think I need to make some changes myself. Grace needs to view me as person who wants to stay sharp mentally. I need to be more of a model for Grace. I need to read more and develop reading as a daily habit. I need to place the same priority on my own education. I want both Grace and Sarah to view education as a part of life and not just something that occurs when they are in school. As a dad I really am my children’s first teacher. The best way for them to learn from me is for them to se me as a student. I need to stay sharp and balanced mentally and model for them the type of student I want them to become.