My daughter Sarah is going through the college application process and I came across this info on collegeboard.com. I think that it is worth a read.

All parents want to aid and protect their children. The best thing we can do for kids, though, is teach them how to help themselves. Read on for ways to help your child develop into a successful adult.

1. Encourage Public Speaking

Taking a speech class or joining the debate team can serve a number of purposes for teens. Developing the ability to stand up in front of a group and make themselves heard is key to boosting kids’ self-esteem as well as their communication skills. Learning the appropriate way to speak to a variety of audiences is also important, as high school students need to know how to address peers, teachers, and employers.

2. Practice Negotiation

High school students are looking for more freedom and independence. Rather than setting all the house rules, have a family planning session for rule setting. By involving kids in determining regulations, parents teach them the invaluable skills of fair compromise and negotiation with authority figures.

3. Model Time Management and Organizational Skills

Children learn from what they see. If parents are late and disorganized, their kids generally follow suit. Post a calendar that highlights individual and group appointments and plans. Use a weekly planner, and make to-do lists. In short, model being organized for your child.

4. Teach Self-Sufficiency

The more kids do for themselves, the more confident they’ll be when it comes to handling themselves in new situations. Show teens how to do laundry. Make them responsible for a family meal each week. Ultimately, this will make them more independent.

5. Encourage Independence at School

Teens need to take responsibility for their academic careers. They should be keeping track of assignments and due dates, communicating independently with counselors and teachers, and participating in the extracurricular activities of their choice. Clearly, parental advice is appropriate at times. However, teens appreciate room to succeed, or to make mistakes, on their own.

6. Listen With an Open Mind

Of course, kids sometimes disagree with their parents. Those who fear disapproval or punishment often hide the truth or avoid discussing important topics. Teens who are confident that they can talk to their parents without a major blow-up are more likely to be forthcoming. In the end, young people who feel good about expressing themselves at home will be more prepared to express themselves in difficult situations.

7. Provide Structure

Although they may bemoan the regulations of life, teens actually function better when rules are in place. Authoritative parents who require adherence to an agreed-upon set of rules, but who also encourage communication and independence, produce happy and successful kids.

8. Remember That Every Story Has Two Sides

When our kids come home with tales of woe, we need to keep in mind that we are hearing only one perspective. Before forming an opinion, get all the facts. Did the teacher really give only one day’s notice for a 10-page essay? Did the coach actually keep your child out of the game for no reason? When teens are frustrated or hurting, they may embellish the truth. Parents who know the facts can effectively help their children learn to respond to disappointing or difficult life scenarios.

9. Teach Self-Respect

When people feel good about themselves, they are able to stand up for themselves, and teenagers are no exception. Focus on helping your child develop good decision-making skills and solid self-esteem. Praise a job well done, and emphasize positive character traits. A confident child will not be afraid to speak up.

10. Teach Logical Conflict Resolution

High schoolers deal with many problems in the social and academic arenas. At a time in life when emotions run high, teens need some help figuring out how to resolve everyday dilemmas. Parents are a great resource for finding alternatives in problematic situations. Encourage and model thinking calmly and critically, so your kids learn to pick the solution that makes the most sense.

Part of being a good parent is knowing when to step in and when to give kids some space. Remember that successful people advocate for themselves. So step back when the time is right, and let your child step up.

I was driving with my daughter Sarah in her car the other day and was trying to give her a few words of wisdom about school, work, and being a careful driver. After I got through with my monologue there was dead silence and I thought well, at least I told her my concerns. If it fell on deaf ears so be it. She probably has her mind on other things. After about one minute of silence she said to me, “Dad I really don’t know what I am ever going to do without you.” To me that was her way of telling me that she understood what I was saying to her, and that maybe she actually depended on my ever-present advice.

When children receive an inheritance from their parents, it usually is in the form of money or some other material item. There are some things however that parents leave to their children that no one can ever place a price on. A dad’s words spoken to his children last a lifetime. They are like a lamp that gets turned on in the minds of his children when he is no longer around. There is something about the words and actions of a dad that leaves a legacy in the minds and hearts of his children.

Whether it’s good or bad, we all leave a legacy to our children. What would I like my legacy to be? That my children have learned from me how to discover happiness, and how they can work out the struggles that they will face throughout their lives. I want to know that I have taught my children to know and like who they are and how they fit into this world. I want my children to use their talents wisely and understand their strengths and weaknesses and really develop a life purpose, a purpose that isn’t based upon money, but is based upon how well they serve others and how well they perform the jobs that they are given. Last, I want to know that I have taught my daughters how to be loving and unselfish spouses and parents.

But I want to live long enough to find out if I did anything right with my children. I pray that I will have the chance to watch my daughters begin to raise their own children and teach their children by example some of the values I have tried to impart to them. Once I know that my daughters are independent and are prepared to leave their own children a legacy, that’s when I will die a happy man. It comforts me to know that even once I’m gone, my girls can still turn that lamp on that’s in their head with the word dad on it, and think about the advice that I’d give them if I were alive.

I want a car when I have my driver’s license. This is what my daughter Sarah said to me one month before she was scheduled to take her road test to get her drivers license. Wanting to play the hero I took her around to different used car dealerships and hunted for a good used car. I found 1997 or 98 Oldsmobile Regency with 36,000 miles on it. It looked mint. I bought the car and my daughter had a car to drive when she got her license yesterday. She has already hat a flat tire, when we went to change the tire no tools were found in the trunk, the spare was flat, and there was water in the spare tire wheel well. So much for playing hero, the car has to go back. I know that people have trouble with used cars all the time so this really doesn’t surprise me. The mistake that was made was giving in to the emotions of a teenage daughter who wanted a car to drive the day that she got her license. The fact that I am divorced didn’t help because sometimes the guilt of the divorce can be too much for a father to bear.

I am sure that these problems will be taken care of but the headache of dealing with it makes my face go numb from stress. A dad can go from a hero to a heal in one day. A dad can be viewed in one instance as a person who found a good deal on a car to not being thorough enough, being impulsive, and just plain stupid for not checking things out more fully. The car sits now with a tire dealer who will check out the other three tires to see if they are dry rotted.

I made a big mistake. No not by buying the car, but by believing that my daughter needed a car that quick. I love this girl too death, but sometimes decisions have to be made that will cause tears and an attitude that you are not giving me what all my friend’s parents gave them when they were ready to drive. A car is a big ticket item and needs to be shopped for over time with wisdom being used that is based upon fact not on emotion, especially the emotions of a teenage girl.

March 3, 2008

Dear Sarah:

I am sorry for all the trouble that you have had in school this past week I know things must have been awfully tough on you. I am glad that you called me up on Friday to get you out of school. I wouldn’t want you to be in an uncomfortable situation. I certainly wouldn’t want you to get into a fight or get hurt. I need you to really understand how much you are loved, by me and by your mother. We both love who you  as a person and want the very best for you. Your problem came in when you started kissing a boy at a party about a month ago, not knowing that the boy was dating another girl. I know that if you had all the facts you wouldn’t have done that, but that’s hard to explain to someone who is so angry that all they want to do is beat you up. Understand something, love can never wait to give, and lust can never wait to get. The appealing emotions that occur when you are physically involved with someone are very fleeting and they are just not worth experiencing. I really want you to learn from this experience. Life can be kind to us at times, but it also can be very cruel. Sometimes we can do something that produces life long consequences. Some decisions in life that we make don’t allow us to have a second chance. I love who you are very much. Please start using your head, and don’t place yourself in a compromising situation like this again.

I Love You

Dad

It’s really a great thing when our kids get older, I mean like 14-18, they have a sense of independence and are quite self sufficient. They start driving at 17 years old and can now get themselves where they want to go, they can hold down a part time job, and can be trusted to baby sit their younger siblings. As a parent we have to be cautious though because they still need supervision. Teenagers haven’t lived long enough to realize the dangers of certain activities and they lack a character quality that may only develop over a period of many years, and that’s self-control. To be quite honest there are some adults who don’t posses this quality and experience difficulty in this area their whole life. A person just has to look around in society to discover the number of marriages that have been wrecked by affairs or alcoholism.

 Teenagers left to themselves without the proper guidance, supervision, and instruction from a parent will develop the urge to experience the whole sex, drugs, and rock and roll scene and will have to taste the garbage to find out that they don’t like it. Parents want to trust their children and believe that when they tell their son or daughter not to have parties in the house when I’m not there, that their son or daughter will abide by their wishes. I hate to be a pessimist, but most times the desire is too strong, for the teenager to resist, and the partying begins as soon as the parent pulls out of the driveway.

 Just like teenagers still need our advice and guidance, they still need our supervision. Society believes that smart people learn from their mistakes. I believe that smart people learn from someone else’s mistakes. Take it from me teenagers can’t control themselves and need parental supervision. We like to believe that they are all grown up at 17, that’s when they need our presence the most.

There are laws for everything. The police and the courts do their best to enforce the laws of a town, a city, or even the country. Laws are designed to protect innocent people, and make sure that everything runs smoothly, and to keep people safe. School children learn quickly what the laws (rules) are in their school. When students break the rules of the school they are usually sent down to the vice-principal’s office to be disciplined. But, in order for rules to be effective they have to be enforced. Too often kids are given the idea that their behavior isn’t all that bad, by the school administration, or their teacher. They are given a slap on the wrist and told to go back to class. Or, they may not have to face any consequences at all. Occasionally, if a student’s behavior gets out of control and affects the safety of other kids, the police have to get involved. The rule of thumb should be that what is illegal in society is illegal in schools. If a student truly is disorderly, the police should be called and the student should be charged as a disorderly person. If a student is involved in a theft, the police should be called in and the student should be charged based upon the offense. Kids need to see the association between their behavior in school, and their behavior in society. If there is no association, a student will break rules in school because there aren’t serious consequences, and then when the student is out of school, he will break those same rules or laws because he believes he can get away with it.

One problem that is getting out of control in schools and in society today is bullying. And although many schools have anti-bullying policies and supposedly a “0 tolerance” for bullying, bullying incidents are rampant and on the rise. This is exactly why we need to have anti-bullying laws nationwide. Bullying is not illegal, and realistically it should be. The only thing that a person has to do is to look at a police blotter to find out how many incidences of domestic violence went on in the town they live in to understand why we need anti bullying laws. Do you think a grown man or woman woke up one day and decided to abuse his or her spouse or his or her children? It is behavior that has been brewing in the person’s mind for years, and it is behavior that they have been allowed to get away with for years. Violent crimes like assault with a deadly weapon, school shootings, road rage, and rape are all acts of bullying that have just been brought to a higher level.

Unfortunately, schools have soft pedaled around this problem, and do not take a hard enough stance when it comes down to imposing consequences for bullying behavior. That slap on the wrist communicates to students that what they did wasn’t so bad, and it’s worth a shot to try it again. If anti-bullying laws were created and enforced these bullies would have to deal with the police for their behavior. The student would be charged as a bully and held accountable. As mentioned before, our schools today do have policies that address the problem, but the policies are usually not enforced. Too much time is spent trying to involve parents, who could be bullies themselves. Often when parents of bullies are contacted, they become so argumentative and miserable that school guidance counselors or administrators will do anything to avoid having to confront the parents with their children’s bullying behaviors in the first place. Bullying incidents then get swept under the rug. Another common response to bullying is for parents of the bully and the victim to meet face to face to supposedly address the problem. This usually accomplishes nothing, except to make the victim or the victim’s parents feel even worse. There should be absolute laws that make bullying illegal. Nothing short of having anti-bullying laws that are enforced will do anything to reduce bullying in our schools. Only then, with the enforcement of anti-bullying laws and real consequences for breaking the laws, will this rising tide of bullying be stemmed.

February 4, 2007

 Dear Sarah:

 I can’t tell you enough how my conversations with you recently have made me feel. Just the fact that you confide in me and want my advice is something that makes me realize that maybe, just maybe I have done a few things right. You know better than I do what seems to affect you, but when you share information with me like you did the other night I realized how much we need each other. I am usually asleep in the chair by 10:00 pm; I was up with you until 3:00 am just talking. There is no doubt that you are the only person that I could be with that keeps me from falling asleep. I should say you and Grace, because she has this ability also, but right now I am writing to you. I love you and everything about you. Please don’t ever forget it.

Love

 
Dad  

Get Your Bullying Report Online Right Now!

Many years ago when my oldest daughter Sarah was about 4 years old a good friend of mine told me that girls were easier to raise than boys. I don’t have any boys and my daughter is now 17 and I am not so sure that this statement is all true. One thing I do know is that I hate to see my daughter upset. I don’t mean mildly upset, that just goes with being a teenager, but upset to the point of tears. This happened to me the other night when I was in the car with Sarah and she received a text message from one of her friends. The text message said that this friend wanted to talk to her about something. Sarah couldn’t get in touch with the girl that sent the text message so she called another one of the girls in their group of friends. She has been friends with 4 girls for about the last two years. These girls do everything together. Hang out mostly as Sarah calls it. They go to parties together, study together, drive to school together, and yes, they get into trouble once in a while together.

When Sarah called one of the girls up the girl told her that all four girls were upset with her because they were starting to view her as being selfish, and annoying. My daughter was blindsided by this information and really didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what they were talking about. I asked her if she thought this information was true. She told me no. I then asked her if she thought she might have a couple of blind spots and the girls were possibly seeing something in her that she just didn’t see in herself. She said no, and I must say she did a pretty convincing job backing up what she told me. The question is this; how do you as a dad offer a teenage daughter advice in situations like these? I am no expert but, I believe that I did a pretty good job of helping her based upon the outcome.

Teenage girls always seem to like to be connected to some group outside their family. Teenage boys like the connection also, but a boy’s connection is usually with some type of sports team, or club. Girls like to be connected to each other. The longer this connection lasts the greater the chance that their weaknesses will be exposed, and for sure they will start engaging in rumors, and gossiping about one another. Girls also tend to become more jealous in these relationships if a boy becomes involved in this mix, and is dating one of the girls. Once one of the girls has an opinion about someone else in their group they will bend over backward to try and convince the other members of the group that it is true. They will even search for the evidence to prove their point. This behavior becomes crushing and emotionally painful to the girl who is being ganged up on, as was the case with my daughter.

What can you do when your daughter confides in you enough to tell you what is going on? First, listen, and I mean listen well. Find out all the facts and please don’t react or condemn your daughter. Don’t say to her you better change your ways. If you are condemning her it’s a good chance that that’s the reason why she looking for connections to other people outside the family. The next thing is to love her to death with your actions and words. My comment to my daughter was, I like everything about you. I like how you talk and I like how you act. Help her understand that you are her biggest fan. Let her know that she doesn’t have to apologize for something that she truly believes she is not guilty of. I mean are these girls the only one with an opinion? Of course if she feels as if she has done something to offend someone realize the mistake, apologize, and move on.

Tell your daughter that long term relationships give everyone an opportunity to show their true colors. These relationships may be nice at first, but the longer that a person is in them the greater the chance that the true character of someone will pop up. That’s when a person has to decide if they want to stay friends with someone who is not a very loyal friend. Tell your daughter to stand tall, hold her head up, and don’t let them see you cry, and that you will be there to help her do all of these.

Adolescent relationships are a growth process. There is pain that can come from being hurt by a so called friend. Guess what by the time your daughter is 22 she will have the savvy to manage this type of crap and she won’t be emotionally immature when it comes down to relationships. All friendships are not intimate, and by that I mean a relationship that involves a person’s heart, mind, and soul. The relationships that your daughter has with someone in high school might be viewed by her as intimate, but it’s probably not as close as she thinks that it is. Relationships have a continuum that go from, acquaintance, friend, close friend, and then intimate friend. An intimate friend is usually someone that is a life long friend that can celebrate with you when your happy, support you when you are sad, and really love you for who you are.

By the way after I offered my daughter some of my wisdom, which took me two days to do, she said to me “I really love you dad,” and she was happier than I have seen her in a long while. When I was alone, I cried, yes I cried again. I am such a big baby.